[bcraneop2009]

Hi,
I am 32 years old and a father of 5 kids. Recently, I found out that the guy who signed my birth certificate is not my biological father. Apparently the guy I thought was daddy took the responsibility and married my mother.

Long story short a family friend slipped and made a comment and let it slip out. I have asked my mom and she refuses to give me a name. This really bothers me as I am not treated as part of the family by his side and even my mom's other 2 kids.

I do not need a daddy but I may have step brothers or sisters out their and I would like to know if I do. Also, I really want to know where my family comes from.

Anytime I ask my mom about this she starts screaming at me about how I don't understand what she went through etc..etc.

What can/should I do? I have asked around to other family members and no one seems to know or want to tell me.

[jkvkdailey]

If it were me, I would also want to know who my biological father is. Maybe speak to this family friend more and see what they can tell you. Also, make sure your mom knows that you are not angry with her, and try to understand her reasoning for what she did. The shock of you finding out may be a bit much for her right now, but I think you have a right to know more about your "father". Do you still have a good relationship with your dad (the one who raised you)? Maybe he can help.

Good Luck!

Kim

[bcraneop2009]

I found out last September and to this day every time I bring it up my mom freaks out. The guy who raised me was pretty much though being my dad when I turned like 14. The family friend who slipped does not know anything about my DNA Dad, nor does any of my mom's close friends. My mom has refused to tell anyone his name.

Thing is I really want to know because I feel very betrayed. I grew proud of my "heritage" on both sides. Come to find out one side is not really mine. I have only really been accepted by my mom's husbands brother and parents. The rest of the family does not seem to care at all.

I am wondering if I could take any sort of legal action? Maybe get a court order or something ordering my mom to give me the name. If nothing else I want the medical history of his family.

Speaking of medical history, about 10 years ago my 2cd son was born and was sick. The hospital asked me to fill out a medical history of the family. My mom gave me his medical history. What if my son died? Why didn't she reveal the secret then? What if there is some weird defect or something that doctors only test for if a family medical history exist?

This is really bothering me. Yet, no matter how calm I approach my mother about this she refuses to engage in a real conversation about it. Only thing she has told me is that she will leave it in her will.

I've went so far as to search via google to see if anyone is looking for her for any reason. So far, I've come up empty handed. She wont even tell me what state the guy is from or lived in. I have 0 info to go on.

[1stTimeMomOf2]

I can understand where you are coming from because I'd want to know to. If I were you maybe I'd approach my mom in a non-threatening way like through a letter. She can read it on her own time and doesn't feel pressured because you aren't standing there in front of her. Explain to her that you aren't angry at her or your step dad because of their decision and you understand that it was what may have been best but you'd like to get to know more about where you came from and your family. Maybe you are an uncle or someone's brother and you're missing out on that part of your life because she's being selfish now. You are grown so it's not like you can disown her and never have contact with her so there is no reason to worry there. You still love her and hopefully she knows that. Other than that, if no one will divulge any information there really isn't anything you can do because you can't just get a DNA test with every man that you know has ever known your mom. You'll never get an answer that way.

[Alejandros Mommy]

I can see the point that you really want to know who your bio dad is BUT what if it was someone that physically hurt your mother or even sexually hurt her? I know I am reaching here but your mother may not want to relieve the experience if this was the case. There are many, many reasons.

Perhaps if you ask her to tell you about your bio dad without asking her to reveal the naem she may open up to you. Just sit down and ask her if she knows your bio dads medical history because you want the best for your own children. Don't push the name thing and if you do take legal action be prepared to lose the relationship you have with your mom. Things like this are very hard not just on the kids but the parents as well.

Take baby steps They tend to lead to bigger steps.

[Samual]

You cannot force anyone to disclose their medical history to you

[bcraneop2009]

From the few brief conversations my mom and I have had about this, I know that my mom told the guy she was pregnant and he replied with "that's your problem not mine". She also commented that this is not the only time he's ignored fatherhood. Very vague details which lead me to believe that I have half brothers/sisters.

So 2 pending questions:

- Can I take legal action to force my mom to give me his name, info?

- If I contact him or his family, they do not have to give me a medical background?

Not really sure if I would want to pursue legal action, really just looking at all my options. My next step is to start asking her sisters, and my grand parents.

-----

I've told my mom that I am sorry for what she went through. She keeps telling me that I don't understand how things were in the 70's. Well, true I don't. She's made comments that her dad told her "you made ya bed, lay in it and you ain't doing it here". So I know it musta been really tough on her and I told her I don't want to know to build some sort of relationship with this guy. That being said, a brother/sister, aunt/uncle etc..etc They deserve the right to make a choice too.

[Samual]

The answers to your questions, No and No.

[twinzplus3]

First of all--no you do not have any legal rights to do squat in this situation. I'm not sure why you would think that you would. . .but I can assure you that you don't. There are adoption groups that can help you find the support you need and perhaps help you begin a searching process on your own. Sometimes by putting your information out there, people will come foreward.

As an adoptee, I always thought it was better to let sleeping dogs lie. I don't think Leslie is far off in suggesting that the situation was incredibly painful for your mother. . .why would you assume that it wouldn't be incredibly painful for you to "just know"? To me, searching for biological family against the will of your real family (who are the people that raised you) is generally a slap in the face to those who have raised you. JMO though. I do think you should try to connect with an adoption support group which will help you understand the situation and all aspects more clearly.

[mcmama]

Aside from the medical history, there probably is not a whole lot to connect with, and it appears to be a source of serious pain for your mother, rewounding her.

I know of an adoptee who re connected with his bio parents. They had been teens when he was born, and gave him up. They subsequently married and had more children. He concluded it was interesting to know these people, and he made a connection with some of the sibs, but generally he was pretty happy with the way things turned out. He was raised in a stable home, got a college education, was pre law, did a lot of stuff with his dad - and the bio family had problems with addictions, joblessness, irratic patterns, little discipline. So for him, the medical history was good to have, and the connection with the sibs nice to have.

Join an adoptee support group, and get information that way - go slow with your mom - and be careful what you wish for.