[beth]

I wonder if men spend their spare time musing about how to improve their marriages? Do they read "how to" books on the subject? I've never known of any who do, (or perhaps only if they have one placed in front of them with the intruction "read!" But I sure know lots of women who are currently reading whatever the latest book is on having a great marriage! What does this say about men and the way they view relationships? Why do women do the majority of the "relationship" work?

[CaraA]

I don't think men spend "time" per se studying their marriage the way women do, however I think when problems arise husbands or significant others can't help but at least consider what could I do to make this current situation better. I would have to add, at least someone in the marriage is looking at "how to strengthen it" It's better than no one at all.

[babydawn]

I think that just because a man doesn't read books on how to strenthen his marriage doesn't mean that he isn't trying. My husband doesn't read those kinds of books, but that is okay, neither do I. Of course, I think we have an abnormally good marriage, with very open communication with everything from what bothers us about the other, to frustrations with each others families, sex, money, kids...you name it, we talk about it. My husband and I also try very hard to improve our marriage, both individual and together. We take constructive critism given by the other in the spirit it was meant, and try to make changes, instead of feeling hurt and angry, we take time out every week for just he and I time. We are patient with each other's short comings and complement each other on our strengths. We try to stay open and compassionate to the others feelings and concerns. It really works for us, and I do believe my husband is actively trying to strengthen his marriage, he just isn't reading up on how to.

[markbarnes19]

Although I've never read a how-to book on marrital relations, I do think of improving my marriage all of the time. I often wonder if I'm a good husband and assume I'm not. I even apologize to my wife for not being better and for not meeting her emotional needs more. She tells me this is crazy and reassures me that I am, indeed, a good partner. I think this reinforcement helps me, and she likes the idea that I'm thinking about it.

[KimGonzo]

I think it's unfair to say that women do "all" of the relationship work. I think men just approach problems differently than women do, and women unfairly expect men to approach problems exactly the same way that we do. So when we don't see men trying to solve relationship problems the same way that women do, we assume that they aren't trying to solve them at all. My husband surprises me often with the things he does to strengthen our marriage, and many times I honestly feel that he is more thoughtful than I am. Some times I have no idea where he comes up with his ideas for the things he does to strengthen our marriage. I suspect he gets some of his ideas from other men he knows but he never reads the latest "how to" books.

[cocotbo]

I'm sitting here with my husband so I thought I'd ask him: "Do men think about how to strengthen a marriage."

His answer: "Usually, no. Not until the woman brings it up."

You gotta love a man who is honest!

I think that women tend to be more contemplative and generally look at the big picture and consider the future whereas men tend to be more reactive and address issues only as they come up. At leat that is my experience with the hardwiring of men and women.

[shoshanna]

I think that also women are encouraged culturally to talk about their problems, to read books, etc. Men are somehow rasied with the idea that they are supposed to be experts in everything. They can't read a book or ask for help because that would be admitting they don't know everything!

That said, my husband is very receptive when I want to talk about our relationship and I know he works hard at being a good husband. I just don't think he wakes up and says "I think I'll try to strengthen our marriage today. Where's a good book on that topic?"

[Julia]

I deal with depression and general anxiety disorder/panic attacks, all inherited from family genetics. From the beginning my husband has been right there helping to strengthen our marriage, because he knows how difficult it can be for me sometimes. He has come to the understanding (on his own) that he cannot "fix" me (even though he likes to fix things), so he knows that sometimes I just need him to listen, or to hold me, or whatever. We work together to strengthen our marriage, because unlike my relatives whom I inherited these issues from, we know about them and can deal with them accordingly (many of my relatives who dealt with depression/anxiety did so during a time decades ago when these things were not talked about).

Anyway, it seems that many men may not take the time to work together with their spouses to strengthen their marriages, but I assure the men out there--it's not "unmanly" to do so.

[Merrymom4]

My husband does! He takes role of husband and father very seriously. A few years ago he had me make out a list of ten ways he could show me he loves me. he has been very faithful to work on that list. One of the best results has been that he has learned to cook. Now the kids like his cooking more than mine! Am I complaining? Heck no!!
Actually, if I can get the okay , I may have my husband do a guest appearance in an upcoming blog about how to be a good husband. I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging here. I am just really, really blessed.
This is the second time I have sung his praises today. He's going to get a fat head if I don't tone it down!

[beth]

Originally Posted by Julia

I deal with depression and general anxiety disorder/panic attacks, all inherited from family genetics. From the beginning my husband has been right there helping to strengthen our marriage, because he knows how difficult it can be for me sometimes. He has come to the understanding (on his own) that he cannot "fix" me (even though he likes to fix things), so he knows that sometimes I just need him to listen, or to hold me, or whatever. We work together to strengthen our marriage, because unlike my relatives whom I inherited these issues from, we know about them and can deal with them accordingly (many of my relatives who dealt with depression/anxiety did so during a time decades ago when these things were not talked about).

Anyway, it seems that many men may not take the time to work together with their spouses to strengthen their marriages, but I assure the men out there--it's not "unmanly" to do so.

Julia, you're very fortunate to have such an understanding husband who can help you with your depression and panic attacks. Many family members fail to understand these conditions and thus couas even more problems for the sufferer.

I have written several articles on panic, anxiety, depression and coping with family members who suffer from emotional illnesses. Please feel free to click on the Mental Health link below for lots of tips on coping and recovery from breakdown.