[willsasp]

Hi all been reading your posts and there is good advice out there, see if you guys can give some to me help, I am really desperate.

My wife is 41 and very pretty, I am 48 and not frightening the kids off yet, in the very distant past we have both had affairs that caused a lot of heart ache, then 15 years ago we moved house and had a daughter and have never look at another person since (I truly believe this of us both) and I love her so very, very much. She has never been a lovey-dovey kind but does show some affection, she’ll hold hands and we have some good nights out, our main problem is in bed, I have always had much higher sex drive than her and sometimes in the past sex has been good.

One thing I have always found difficult to accept is the fact I have always had to make the first move and if I don't we just don't have sex, I have tried holding out, pretending not to be interested, once lasting 3 weeks without sex, my wife never even noticed 3 weeks had past.

Now some 20 years on and I find she doesn't like to kiss passionately, always turning away after 10 seconds, I try to kiss her neck and she crunches her head to shoulder (even during sex), when I ask what is the matter she says it tickles or it goes through her!!

She loves me giving oral sex but absolutely hates giving it back yet early in our relationship she used to love doing this and often boasted about the number of boyfriends she had done it to.

Sex is such hard work I always have to take the lead; she won't go on top or take any other position other than the missionary apart from the doggy and even groans about doing that as though is just to much hard work. Even though we have sex about 2 to 4 times a week I believe she does it just to please me and really she hates having sex with me, when I ask are we having an early night she says what for!!

I think I have tried almost everything I know to make her more passionate and nothing works, when I confront her she says I am talking rubbish that I have loads of sex, probably much more than my friends.

But its not sex I want its passion, when I have her naked on top of the bed I try to be so passionate I give her favourite oral sex for upto 1 hour but not once does she do anything back, she don’t grab hold of me, kiss me, stroke me, touch my *****, she does nothing and no matter what time of day it is she just lies there as if going to sleep.

Though I don’t show it I get so angry in side, I just feel like getting up going for a long walk, in fact I have done that a few times. I truly believe she would stick by me for life but I also don’t think she loves me in a passionate way.

I work hard, we both work hard and we have both joined the gym, we aren’t masculine but are quite fit for our age. So how can I inject some passion into her, how can I make her say come on lets have an early night?

I sometimes think, if I could get her interested in having sex with another guy and I knew about it or I was even there when they had sex then maybe that would light her fire and she would suddenly become passionate her thoughts would keep going back to that moment that was sooo sexy for her, but then I think how could I stand that, how would I feel after it happened. I once asked her if she would like sex with another guy and she said she had bloody enough with my todger.

Please someone give me the advice I desperately seek – Wills

[shawspear]

Are you sure that's the only option? I mean getting her to be more passionate about sex with you. It's not uncommon for sex to become less intense in marriages after some years, almost second-hand, dull, boring. Hey though, if you can spice up your sex life, that's great, really and I hope others in here will give you some suggestions about doing it. But you didn't marry her for just sex did you? I'm sure you didn't. Rather you like being with her, she makes you happy, and she's there for you when you need someone to talk to. Marriages change with time; it's not always a honeymoon. Gail Sheehy wrote "Passages". Have you read it? I'm not saying you're entering any kind of new stage in your life but maybe your marriage is. I mean after 20 years, two to three times a week ain't bad and I'd have to agree with her about you gettin' it more than most of your friends (that are married as long).

Maybe you could consider focusing a little more on the other parts of a marriage like friendship and communication and try and find a way not to be so angry if she's not in the mood. She knows you're angry about it no matter how well you hide it. I'm sure of that.

And where's everybody else in here anyway? I'd be a little disappointed if I opened my heart in here and no one said anything all day.

[sweetbabyray]

I am in the same boat as you. My wife recently stopped initiating sex and I am always having to initiate. She complains and says jump on and hurry up. Where is the passion? I have been exercising quite a bit lately, twice a day every day. All I can say is work on yourself. Make yourself a better person, communicate, and don't give up.

[inquiringbrain]

This is so normal it's not funny. Try to save your sanity and read "The Female Brain" by Dr.Louanne Brizendine. She's a female psychiatrist and gives you the straightforward information about the male and female brain differences. The information is available from other sources, but this is an easy to read format.

To give you my paraphrase, women will give you sex to get married. If no sex before marriage, it's at least promised. You can talk about it and they'll agree to all kinds of things.

At the wedding the cake kills their sex drive (ok, she didn't say that) but they will continue to have sex to have babies.

Once the babies arrive you move down a few notches in importance and the sex continues enough to keep you there for more babies, protection, and financial support for the babies.

Once she's done having babies, you are of less importance so the sex is less frequent.

When she reaches menopause she loses her sex drive, has greater financial support for herself, and the divorce rate filed by women jumps.

Now it's not always that bad, and women will protest. I've been married twice (first wife died) and been to menopause twice. It sure fits the book.

Please understand, I love my kids and I love my wife. But as I become less necessary in her life, there is less passion for me. Currently we're 3 weeks without sex and it will probably be another week or so until she's in the mood. Of course that's assuming I don't say anything wrong, nothing bad happened at work, nothing is wrong with the kids (adults), I picked up all my stuff in the house every day, etc.

Men should read the book BEFORE they get married and NEVER NEVER EVER get married expecting to have sex very often. Chances are you're going to eventually become roommates with financial and family entanglements, and occasional fringe benefits. Yes, there are exceptions, But they're not the rule. So, get good at taking care of yourself.

One other thing, the Mars/Venus book can be helpful, but you will not likely achieve the relationship you thought you were going to have and that she likely promised.