[jandeantx]

I was once the victim of domestic violence. My former husband abused me physically and mentally. I was afraid to leave because I didn't want to lose my job. That sounds strange now, but that is what I was thinking at the time.
Physical abuse should always be a deal breaker in a relationship. A wife can't "fix" a husband without professional help. The thing to do is GET OUT! You can get another job, house, car, etc.....but you can't replace your life or the life of your children.
As time goes by, you will heal. You will forgive....and live again.
Janette

[MomtooBoys]

I really agree with this statement. I left my abusive Husband and we lost everything (but just things!). My toddler and new baby boy are safe. We have no carand I am having a very hard time trying to get our lives back in order, but we are safe.

[mcmama]

My abuse was not physical, but it was mental and emotional. Lots of isolation and humiliation. Lots of manipulating me and others too.
Getting out is harder than most people realize. Glad you are safe, you will rebuild your life!

[AmericasMom05]

I agree with that too.. I was beaten by my now ex-husband with a metal baseball bat! 10 times on the head and 5 times on the back and arm. The police tell me I am lucky to just practically walk away!( I did go to the ER and only had contusions to the head, back and arm.) I am 4'9" and he is 6'2".. his drugs and alcohol are a facotor.. he was also possesive.... I now have a great boyfriend, even though I am 9 yrs older than him, he's 21.. but he is a gentleman..he is also only 5'3"

[criminologist]

hey guys i would like to know some information about your past experiences with domestic abuse. I am researching my theory on abuse and other crimes that can also be caused by revenge. My theory is that heinous crimes like spousal and child abuse are over half the time a result of revenge taken out on the spouse or child. If you have a story that can help with my theory then please let me know at harrisonhoya2007@bellsouth.net... this would mean alot to me to understand if the husband or boyfriend hurt their spouses cause of anger and revenge. I will be watching for any emails. Please dont be afraid to contact me. This would help me alot to prove my thesis and make a new point in the criminal world. This can help lessen the future statistics of this particular crime. It would also be amazing if one of you committed the killing of your spouse due to the emotional and physical abuse. Otherwise known as battered womens syndrome. Thanks .

[jandeantx]

Criminologist, I think your theory that child and spousal abuse is caused by revenge toward the child or spouse is way off base. You are putting blame on the victim and that is not right....especially when it comes to child abuse.
Let me tell you my theory. I think abuse is very often a learned behavior. My ex saw his own father verbally and physically abuse his mother his entire life. That is the only role model he had. He didn't know any other way. Alcohol and drug abuse did not help matters any. My ex was the youngest son (14 years younger than his brother) and he was used to getting his way. He used violence to control and manipulate others.
Now, the really interesting question is.....why did I have such low self-esteem to get involved with a person like this????

[HappyMomAnna]

I am a survivor of 14 years of domestic violence: emotional/physical and sexual. I am happy to say that I got out alive and got my children out too with court protection.
I will never forget one of the many times the police came and it was clear someone had punched me in the eye....The police asked my ex f he had hit me? My ex said, "Yep-and you would have too if you had to listen to her B(wording)!"
I watched as they slapped handcuffs on him and accidentally banged his head on the door jamb on the way out of the house...then on the hood of the squad car as the shoved him in the back seat.... It WAS one of the first moments that it occurred to me I didn't deserve to be hit in the eye for b-wording....
When I was 28 and we were going one month without health insurance due to my ex changing jobs (again)..... I was such a horrible person to have contracted Chicken Pox....and my parents were terrible because they had not made sure I got them as a child.... My ex left me suffering for days on the sofa until eventually I had to call 911--15 days of intensive care later I came home.... When the hospital bill came....I was beaten.
My ex was adopted and had some issues around it....when I got pregnant (bad girl) I was told because he had never heard stories about his mother being pregnant the sight of me disgusted him and I would need to change in the bathroom and make sure he never saw my belly or strange looking body again.....
My ex didn't abuse me out of revenge--he needed me too much. He could not live without me....in fact. He proved this the time he raped and beat me and when I was getting strong enough to reach for the phone he ate a whole bottle of Tylenol in front of me....went into seizures and I had to call 911 to save His life.... he nearly died.
The last time the police came to my house--they told me that it was the last time because the next time they would arrest us both and put our children in a foster home. I knew then that I could not call the police ever again for help...I felt like it really was all my fault.
I had no clue if I would be murdered if I tried to get out.
I saved up and hired an attorney, and got all the paperwork together and one night at McDonalds gave him the papers..... The papers told him he had 48 hours to leave the house. I had my brother and his wife and two children move in with me that day.....He was soooooo nice that day. We got home, and he was acting like he was ok but so hurt and upset and said he wanted to go to the emergency room and get something to calm him down....He came back nice as could be and said, I looked like I needed it more then he did would I like one of his pills? I thought what the heck might as well relax. I woke up and found that he had taken the keys to my office and searched the whole place looking for proof I had cheated. All he found was some research I was doing for a new paper article on a subject he found upsetting--he photo copied it and went to my mom and said it was why I was leaving him...
I filed on November 3...he moved out on the 5th....begged to come back and wrote love letters confessing he knew he was wrong and he listed off 14 years of all the horrible things he had done to me....Said it was because he needed to find his birth mother and that he had been sexually abused by a neighbor as a child and his adopted mother didn't protect him. In front of me he called his adopted mother and told her all these things he claimed happened to him as a child...and that he had victimized someone himself....Told her his was an alcoholic....needed help...then asked if I would go to the center his adoption was done in, if I would help him get better.....he loved me so much.....
When I said No....come back when you have had the help and maybe we can go on a date he blew up.
December 18 (what is that 6-weeks) He met a woman. My Birthday in January he told me he had a choice (not really) between me and the "Sure Thing" I told him by all means take the sure thing are you crazy.
24 hours after the divorce was final he got married. And Now it is said his wife has odd black eyes, cries all the time and is on anti depressants.
It turns out my ex cheated on me any chance he could.... All along. He felt guilty for this and beat me...maybe to distract me...give me a reason to be upset but not the right reason....it does not matter because I never did a dang thing to have my two front teeth knocked out....my back forever damaged and my spirit broken.
I am remarried myself however it took much longer for me. I wanted to have my head together first and date someone a long long time first. My marriage is very healthy now....my husband has never called me a name, never yelled at me and never made me feel anything but an equal....we have had our disagreements but never yelled, threatened or hurt the other....
I want to know what I did that might mean I should have revenge made on me? I never cheated....never lied....I never rapped him....once I did accidentally poke him with scissors--but, it was because he jumped me while I had them and tried to hurt me.... I never once kicked him in the butt like a dog in front of the children....Never smeared blood on a check and told him it was blood money....never tried to kill myself because I hurt him and didn't want to go to jail for it....
All I ever did was try to be a good wife....gook him dinner every night and make sure he was a happy husband.
WAIT--come to think of it once...at the end of our marriage....I let him know our budget was going to be a little tight that week. I bought a dozen day old donuts to PUT IN HIS LUNCH (which I packed for him everyday he worked)....I paid $1.99 so he had a treat...The next morning at 5 am I was pulled out of bed for buying donuts when we were on a tight budget and he wanted to know how I felt those mattered and why I would say it was a tight week and then buy donuts...Does this count as revenge???
What revenge does anyone have that should result in abuse? Most NORMAL people who felt someone who was so terrible they should be beat would hold themselves and take action to get out of the marriage...Problem is that NORMAL people don't abuse their spouses so I think revenge must be a part of that persons mental illness....NOT MY PROBLEM....and I won't ware the black eye for another persons mental illness ever again.

[TedHutchinson]

If you read the research here
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...=pubmed_docsum
You will see that one common factor in domestic abuse cases is a low level of omega 3 component DHA. This is not an excuse for violence but a possible reason for uncontrolled behaviour. It fits a pattern of other research papers which show in some cases the violence is turned on oneself See
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/entrez/q...=pubmed_docsum
We know that given omega 3 supplement the amount of violent events in prison or young offender institutes drops by 20% and similar reductions in disruptive behaviour occur in ADHD children if they are given omega supplements of appropriate strength.
I'm not for one moment suggesting that simply giving your abusive partner 4 portions of oily fish a week is going to change him overnight but maybe in a month or so it may make a difference. It is also the case that in order for the omega to be absorbed into the actual brain cells which communicate between the neurons, astrocytes, vitamin d has to be present. Availability of vitamin d is to some extent seasonal in that lower levels are available in the winter or if people don't go outside when the sun is shining strongly enough to synthesise vitamin d in the skin. This is why suicides tend to happen more after a run of bad weather or midwinter further north. As free sunlight is available throughout the year in the US no-one should be vitamin d deficient but previous studies have suggested that half of the elderly in the U.S. are vitamin D deficient (a serum level of 20 ng/mL or lower) as well as 35% to 40% of the younger population. So it is distinctly possible that this also applies to some adults who spend little or no time outside with their skin uncovered. It is also true that dark or black skinned people need six to ten times more exposure to make the same amount of vitamin d so they are far more prone to be deficient in both vitamin d and omega 3.
Cholecalciferol vitamin d3 tablets are cheap enough and a child under 50lbs needs 1000iu over 50lbs 2000 and adults can manage on 4000iu
For omega 3 to be effective a reasonable amount would be 2-3g of omega. So you need to look for high strength EPA and DHA and add the two figures together. Often capsules are 120dha 180 epa so that would make .3 of a g so ten of these would be needed to supply 3g It may be easier to use, as I do (for other reasons) a liquid form containing 900EPA600dha 1.5g omega in 5ml.I only have to take 2tps of this to get my 3g, much easier/cheaper than taking 10 capsules.
The experiments in the UK used 550mg of EPA and found this was effective for children however as DHA component is also necessary I would look for a supplement which supplies both if I had a difficult violent child.

[HappyMomAnna]

An abused spouse might not have a month or so to wait and see if something helps or not....Besides why is it the responsibility of the abused person to research and suggest anything might help?
Had I suggested a "pill" supplement or anything else that might help my husband NOT beat me....It would have ended up the same way that book I was given by a friend in the 80's did.... "The men who hate women and the women who love them"-- or something like that....I found it torn to shreds and put on my pillow with a knife sticking out of it!
An abuser will smack his wife in the mouth for suggesting a pill or supplement might help.... after all they would not abuse us if we were just better and shut up.
I would NEVER advise a victim of domestic violence offer to fix her abuser with a pill.... I think I once suggested Prozac and landed on my rear end.... The time I offered to go to AA meetings should have stuck in my mind before I was such a crazy wife as to even imply his problem would be fixed by a pill...He DIDN'T HAVE a PROBLEM--remember--It was MY fault.
The FIRST time you are abused RUN let someone else fix him.... If he gets Fixed talk to him later...after he is fixed.... Until then find what makes YOU a stronger person--maybe fish oil will make you a BETTER wife for the next guy but, it is NOT the victims job to help fix someone or wait around a month to see if something MIGHT.
ADDED later: I just wanted to add that I spent years, looking for something....stayed up late and Prayed to God....Wrote reams of paper and letters....saw about 6 therapists and tried every way I could...to please the unreleasable. It is NOT SAFE to give an abuser something and stick around for a month.... I KNOW how hard it is to get out and I know it is scary....been there with two children....BUT the abuser is the one who needs to stay up...IF ANYONE wants to suggest these research ideas to an abuser have someone else do it and have someone else monitor the results... A friend of the abuser or anyone because IF it fails it is just one more thing you did wrong.

[TedHutchinson]

I have editted my post to make it clear I am in no way condonning or excusing abusive behaviour. I personally wouldn't tolerate it or any kind of physical violence or mental cruelty. However the research is there and surely everyone wants to reduce the level of violence and aggression in society in general and in the home in particular.

The consequences of Omega and vitamin d deficiency start in the womb with the size and shape of the baby being adversely affected. Damaged babies generally grow into damaged children who develop into damaged adults. Societies failure to take note of the consequences of a poor diet and limited exposure of the skin to direct sunlight is regretable but the research is there and you can choose to ignore it or reject it as you like but you cannot go against nature. We evolved from a species that lived naked and ate fish and meat as a major constituent of our diet.

We live our lives indoors and drive around in cars and go about with 95% of our skin covered it's no wonder such a high percentage of the US are vit d deficient and many people never eat oily fish at all anyway.

If you are stuck in a situation where violence is possible then any steps you take to reduce that potential will make life easier for you and better for the abuser.
Some may decide to grind up a box of vitamin d and bake it in his cookies or bread rolls and make sure the only food available is sardines pilchards mackeral and salmonor other oily fish adding ground linseed to stews, muesli crispy toppings would also raise omega levels discreetly.. Any strategies to lower the threshold of violence and disruptive behaviour, whether it's from your partner or your children is surely worth it if it makes life more tolerable for all concerned.