[jasmined]

i have been searching for some advice and informtion about stepperenting,
i could not find what i was looking for - for me , it is very very hard to love my step.d . i met her dad 2 years ago when she was seven and stying mostly with her mom, she loved me!! she kept asking me if she can call me mom and so on..
it has started good but as time went by i learnd NOT to love her. not for who she is - lovely sweet and warm person - but for what she is - a part of the other women.
when i got pregnent ( a very wanted and plend prgnancy) i could not cop with her exsistece. when she was at ours i sudenly felt i cant see her face. she is a COPY of her mother and i know it is not her fault but hooo it is hard for me!!
i always go weird when she comes over i cry when i am alone and try to stend out of their way (her and her dad) she is so much like her mom that i find it very disturbing to see them two together. her mom makes it all harder as it is by walking all over her x and making him feel guilty al the time. he is a good dad and love his kids very much.
i tryed so hard to be fair caring and loveble despite of how i feel about her. i ended up talking to a shrink as a result. it is so hard for me.i know she will be there for ever and i fear it will get harder when she will grow up and be a yang lady looking even more like her mother - wich my partner and myself hate very much.
on the last time a confesed my thoughts and feelings on a different forum most of the mother calld me hurible names. but most of the dads said i ws brave to say out laoud what most keep inside. deep down inside i wish she would disapear, i rather not see her and i dont like to see her photos or her things around the house.
although i never ever been mean to her, i know she feelsshe unwanted. i allways get very stressed before she come for a visit and sometime i get over it while she is here and we mange to have a nice time but most times i don't. and sometimes i pretend to be all nice because i feel sorry for her and i want my partner to be happy and i ended up not liking myself in this moments.
is there antone out there who feel similer to how i feel?? dose everyone loves their step kids??

[MrsDanite]

First of all, I think there are moments when any of us find it hard to feel loving toward our children--step, natural, any of them. Sometimes they're just not very loveable! One author talks about times when love "turns fragile" and you really have to work at it. That's a normal part of imperfect parents raising imperfect children.

I think that you were wise to talk with a trained therapist about your feelings, because it certainly is not healthy for you or for the SD for you to have negative feelings about her because she resembles her mom. I know it can be hard. There are times that I want to yell at one of my kids, "you are acting just like your #/@!*& dad and reminding me of all the reasons that I left him!" but I don't, and the moment passes and is forgotten. If this therapist is not helping, you might try another one, because it's really important for all involved that you are able to resolve these feelings before they permanently poison relationships in your family.

It might help to write more about the way you felt about your SD when you first met her, and then continue to write down anything, little or big, that you can see about her that is positive. Focus intentionally on the ways that she is NOT like her mother, and on the things about her that are loveable. Look for ways that she's like her dad! Sometimes we get so fixated on one aspect of a person or a relationship that we lose track of the bigger picture.

Best wishes to you. I applaud your efforts to fight against what you know is an unfair feeling toward this vulnerable young person.

MrsD

[pattiewrites]

Wow, you really need to work this out and fast. She already feels unwanted at such a young age and this is a bad sign for the future. It is increasing her chances of teen pregnancy, high school drop out and emotional health issues. It will cost your husband a fortune in therapy later and isn't fair to her. I'm a stepmom too and my SDDs mother is a piece of work, but I never took it out on the child. In fact, she says now as an adult that I was more of a mom to her than her birth mother. Whether a baby was planned or not, whether the marriage works or fails, all kids deserve to be loved and welcomed in the home of their parents.

Think of your child and how you would want her treated if you split with your dh and he married another woman. How would you feel about your child spending time with a woman who hated her and wished she didn't exist. Putting it in that framework may help you see clearly how damaging this can be to a child. She can't help what she looks like. How is your husband dealing with your feelings? I know several couples who have broken up over similar circumstances. Some men choose the new wife, but many choose their children, particularly if they love them a lot and are very involved fathers. It's something to think about.

If you stay together, how will you feel if you are excluded from high school graduation, her wedding and other events in her life. If this continues, she may not want you to be part of these events and that is very understandable, under the circumstances. How will you feel when your husband is going off to attend and you are at home? These are all things to consider. Good luck to your family.

[DianeRay]

You say the little girl is sweet and loves you. I have to admit I find it a bit disturbing that you dislike her simply because she is not yours, or because she reminds you of the mother. I can't help but wonder if you feel threatened or insecure with regards to this woman.
It is certainly unfortunate if your insecurity is dumped on this little girl. I also assume that with this new baby, you will shower it with much love, making this little girl feel all the worst.
I'll admit I've had trouble loving my stepkids over the years for a variety of reasons and I know I didn't always do the right thing by them. After 10 years at this, I still find step parenting the most ambiguous role.
As hard as it may be, do try to think of this little girl as an seperate entity from the mom and as a part of your husband, that you must surely love. Perhaps in time, your feelings of dislike for the mom will diminish. If you've not shoved the little girl aside too much, your relationship with her can be salvaged.
I wish you luck.

[thankful]

I bet she knows how you feel. maybe she feels the same way. You have to get pass this.You can not dislike her for looking like her mom for god sake!or being a part of her mom. You have to get pass the face and actions and try to feel her soul. everyone has there own soul no matter what they look like. This is her childhood make it as nice for her as you would your own childs.I know that you already know this but you are going to have to go back to the part of yourself that knows right from wrong and really try to remember yourself at that age. and how you are your own person not your mom. This feeling is going to eat away at the whole family if you cant find a little space in your heart for this child. Dont let yourself think bad things only good things. You have to put ALL childeren in the same bright light so they all can SHINE!!! You can do this!!! You have to or your family will suffer because of you! The world does not have room for these kinds of feeling . Childeren are the best things we have .They are sponges for love try to respect her childhood and make it wonderful for her.Those feelings will have no choice but to go away when you start seeing a reflection of YOUR goodness in her from you. Cathy

[BonusMom]

I voted I love my SD as my own. But I have exceptional situations. My SD has been with me since she was 1, and her birthmother only sees her in the summer. I also dont have any children of my own and my husband treats me as an equal parent and has for the past 6 years.

[Samual]

"wich my partner and myself hate very much."

Maybe you and her father shouldn't be around her if you both hate her, let her be with her mother that loves her.

[mela681]

I actually felt similar to the way you do when my step-daughter started spending time with us. I didn't dislike her because she looked like her mother, but because she looked like my sister-in-law. But after a little while I finally got past that. When I got to know her, I didn't see my nasty sister-in-law when I looked at her, I just saw her.

What helped me most was spending lots of one-on-one time with her. The more I wanted to kill her, the more time I spent with her.

[marilynmonroe]

You can't be for real. You sound like: 1. an idiot and worse, 2: a horrible person.
Your husband's daughter should not have to endure you. His daughter is an innocent child and you are a narcissistic adult who shouldn't have married a man with children. Shame on you!
Blech!
PS. My boyfriend's 16 y.o. son looks a lot like his mom (boyfriend's ex-wife) and he is soooo cute!

[courtneymaz]

I have a 9 year old daughter and 7 year old step son. My step son lives with me and my husband because his mother is not well. All she does is cause problems because I take care of her son yet she refuses to do anything for her child. I understand how the situation can be frusterating for you. However, I love my step son more than anything in this world. My daughter and him are equal in my heart. I hope you soon see that your step daughter is part of you now, and any other children you have. How sad would it be for her if she knew the way you felt? You should get to know her and build a realtionship with her so you can get past whatever is bothering you.