[hvrjr]

My wife and I are in the middle of a major problem in our 31 year marriage. The threat of a break up after all this time was what it took to get me to accept ownership for my actions. However, by researching the topic of emotional abuse I have come to the realization that our relationship is one of emotional abuse by both of us. When I look at the symptoms of emotional abuse I definitely recognize them in my self, but also in my wife. The attempts to dominate, control and put the other down are things that we both do to each other. To her I am "just like my father was", an overpowering domineering male. To me she's a woman who is so worried about being controlled that she takes control as a way of keeping me from it. It really is a vicious cycle; one of us will do something hurtful and then the other counters with something else in an almost "can you top this" manner. The more I read about the topic the more I understand why it keeps escalating. We both get hurt and we both do hurtful things as a result. We both feel insecure and we both try to compensate for it by attempting to dominate and control rather than comfort the other. Is this a common situation? We started couples counseling recently. Is it likely that that will work?

[floridamama]

I actually know someone very dear to me that is in the same boat with her spouse right now. I've encouraged her to also seek counseling for themselves, and I pray it helps.
I don't know exactly how common it is...but the fact that you recognize it, and are doing something to fix it is commendable! Kudos to you! Does your wife also recognize her part in it? I hope so. I also hope that everything works out for the best with both of you! Keep us posted, and by the way, welcome to the site!

[MJ7]

The fact that you are both in counceling tells me you both want it to work. I think there is hope for your marriage. It's not too late to start fresh with your wife. Even if it means biting your tongue and swallowing your pride, I imagine you'll see changes happen for the better. You have no control over the choices your wife makes; only yourself. If you want things to work, you both need to throw out the tally card of who is being what to whom and focus on loving and cherishing one another.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board, Hvrjr!

You and your wife have been married a long time together.
There is a lot of shared history.

Don't you both want to continue this marriage, and over 31 years of love
for each other?

Yes, it could be that both of you are emotionally abusing each other.
Trying one upsmanship in the emotional abusing department is not
fun, nor is it good for a marriage.

I am pleased to read that both of you are in counseling together
to strengthen your marriage and redirect some of your communications.

Sometimes, it helps to bite your tongue, instead of verbally lashing out.
What is it that everyone's mother always said, "If you don't have something
nice to say, don't say anything at all."

Communication is very important in a marriage.
Yes, it is possible to turn things around, but it will take 110% work on your
part and 110% work on your wife's part.

Please keep us posted on your progress towards year #32 of marriage!

[MissyChrissy]

If it's going to work at all, it'll be with the counseling.

Try to let go of all the anger & need for control. Just let her be. Once you're not a player, she won't have anyone to "one-up" and perhaps the counseling can really kick in and be beneficial to you both.

The best advice I got that saved my marriage was to fake the happy feelings first. First fake it-fake confidence and security. It'll become a habit-and the real feelings will naturally follow. I actually heard this twice. The 1st time I thought the person was coo-coo. The 2nd time-I was desperate enough to try anything. I just said to myself, Ok, he wins. Whatever contest we're at, he wins. I'm not playing the game no more. Then I met him with smiles and hugs. I really listened to him-and saw things from his point of view. Ultimately-it worked. Now-it's all natural, real, bonafied love.