[computer_geek_gurl]

Hello,
I am new at this so here it goes: My "fiance" and I have been together for 4 years. We have been engaged for about 3 1/2 of them. We lived together almost immediately. Yes, things went really fast for us in the beginning and it was good and sparkly and new and we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Then I started trying to plan, even putting it off another year or two.. then he felt scared and trapped and ended up trying to pursue another relationship (nothing but a couple kisses and holding hands happened, she was a virgin) and we broke up and ended the engagement over it. We reconcilled pretty quickly and in time I learned to forgive him, and I know he's not doing anything anymore (She lost her virginity and got HIV). I got into his more truer feelings and found out that he wanted to marry me he just didn't want to marry me right now. As our relationship progressed a little more he gave me my ring back and I thought this meant we were engaged again and that he was ready to get married- half right. He wanted to be engaged, but he didn't want to get married. He feels that he is too young (23, I'm 24) and that our relationship isn't good enough to be getting married- won't even plan it for a couple years down the road. It's one of those "we'll see what happens" things. He has this same indecisive attitude towards children as well. I have a child, and they get along great, and I want more (I actually wanted them 3 years apart.. my son is now 6..) He used to say he wanted 2, then one, then he isn't sure if he wants any at all, then he says he wants one again, but not until he is at least 30 years old.
Also, spending time alone together is nearly impossible. We have a roomate who is also one of my boyfriend's best friends. He is always there. If he's not, my son is, or friends. Friends come over alot. And there isn't much time to begin with, he works til 7 or 8 at night sometimes later doing construction, I work 10 hour days, plus am a soccer coach for my son, plus an doing an online course (returning to full time college in sept). Then there's our 2 cats, 1 turtle, fish and bearded dragon to look after, my son is enrolled in Kumon (Learning Center), and then cooking and cleaning... and he will not set a date night, like monday nights- movie just the two of us, nothing, he'd rather just play it by ear. But playing it by ear never works and we grow distant, sometimes get resentful, stressed.. then sometimes we have some fun, but it's always with other people. I feel more like Brother/Sister.
Then, we hardly ever have sex. And when we do it's not all that exciting. I will try but he'll just tell me no. He's always too tired because we are both so busy, or never alone.
So, 4 things- Engagement, Children, Time Alone and Sex.

Any help? Suggestions?

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Lots of concerns.
#1 is you and your son that is age 6.
That is your main priority list or it should be.

Just curious, how did this girlfriend, lose her virginity and get HIV?
Does boyfriend have HIV?
Have you gotten tested and your own health checked?

Does not sound like boyfriend wants to change the way things are
w/ life. He needs to grow up. How long will this take? 10 years?
5 years?

I think, and I could be wrong about this, if boyfriend wanted to marry you, it would have happened before now.

Wishing you all the best!

[Samual]

I think getting married after only four years is really fast.
You need to change your order
your son
alone time
engagement
sex

[KR258]

I have no real advice for you but that if you're not happy then you should change things. Your happiness shouldn't depend on your boyfriend or even spouse.

[landj111]

I know where your coming from. My husband and I got engaged quite quickly and moved in together as well. It took him 7 years to actually say hey lets set a date. We have been married almost 5 years now and couldn't be happier. You need to be patient with him men are very different when it comes to marriage.Women see marriage as an adventure while men see it as sort of like a jail sentence especially young men. 23/24 is a bit young you need to just enjoy your life everything will fall into place.

[fostermommy]

OK, I'm going to sound like an "old fogie" here and will probably draw some rotten tomatoes, but here goes................In general, most women seek marriage and a family as they mature and maternal instincts kick in. We like a sense of permamency and planning for the future. Most men, on the other hand, seek the relationship for companionship, convenient sex, and convenient living (good food, clean house, clean laundry, etc.) The woman who seeks the above needs the commitment of marriage. The man who seeks the above, needs a woman who is willing to move in and assume the role. Why would he want to mess that up by adding children to the mix?? You are living as a married couple without the "marriage" or commitment part. When the man and woman live under separate roofs, it's not all that convenient for the guy any more. The old phrase of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" really rings true. If you lived under separate roofs, suddenly date nights would become reality, the roommate would no longer be an issue, you would have alone time and mom and son time, and the sex would be so much better because it wouldn't be so available and convenient. And if/when marriage occurs, I assume that the roommate issue would no longer be present. Just a thought...........Hope that I did not offend others who choose to live together outside of marriage. I am not passing judgement or trying to push my beliefs onto others.................just as a matter of practical sense, your fiance just has it too good right now. Best wishes.

[computer_geek_gurl]

Thank you for all the replies! Don't worry- he got HIV from some guy, not my bf. He never slept with her and when she got it she was already out of the picture- and yes, to be sure I got tested

I know I have to change things, that's more the advice I'm looking for- how?

the living under seperate roofs post (last one) that is such good advice and makes so much sense! i'm just concerned it's not realistic for us at this point. We've lived together for 4 years and have been raising my child toghether- I can't see that being fair to my child.. that and many other "excuses" that make that change very difficult. I know there is no easy fix, I know he loves me, but I also know he's no longer in love with me.. and that's what I want to change, that is the basis of all my relationship problems I beleive. Anything more to those lines?

THANK YOU EVERYONE

[mrmnmom82]

It sounds to me like lack of commitment might be the main problem. He's just scating through the relationship. You wanted the same things in the beginning, but it seems more and more you want something different. I think thats what fostermommy was talking about. He has no reason to commit, he's playing house. It sounds as if he may be leading you on a bit. Do you think he has any intention of marrying you? Do you think if things change he will set a date?