[JustWaiting]

So..... Of course, I am pretty much the only couple without children anymore....and my cousin is about to give birth and I am so upset I don't even know if I can go to the hospital to see her and the baby! I feel terrible about how I feel and I wish I could just be happy for them.... and I was... throughout the entire pregnancy I have been so happy and supportive.. but now that she is actually giving birth, I am feeling so depressed and jealous and I am so upset I am feeling this way!! My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and I want to get married before I have children, but I want a child so badly!! I am also scared my boyfriend or I won't be able to have children for some reason and I feel like I am jinxing myself into it by constantly wondering about it. I know I am not ready for a child yet, but I want to be ready so badly... and it makes me angry and all of these people who are clearly not ready for children are having them and I'm not because I know I shouldn't be yet... I am so stressed out and I could really use some advice on how to deal. I am so ashamed of the way I feel and all I want to do is cry... I mean, why am I acting so? It's nobody elses situation to deal with, but my own, as it everybody elses situation their own.... I just don't understand why I am feeling like this and if this feeling will ever go away. UGH.