[shannon38]

first time here, hoping to find some help. I've been separated for 2 years now, my girls are 14 and 10 just last month my 14 year old wanted to live with her father because she couldnt handle living with her little sister. It totally breaks my heart, I've for the past two years have helped my youngest try to deal with her own emotional stuff, I've been taking her to counsellors and such, have taken her to a pedeatrician who has confirmed that my daughter has ADD, the other side of the family has totally denied this, saying that this is all my lack of parenting, that Im just lazy and want to take the easy way out instead of just being firm with her, long story short, my Ex has said that he does not want anything to do with this, that I am *screwedup* and that he totally is against this, even went as far as to tell his daughter that if she takes this pill, she'll get cancer! so now of course there is no way that she's going to take it! I hate him, and his family for everything taht they have ever done to me, His mother has now even went as far as saying that I am mentally unstable to make any kind of disiccion with it comes to my girls... HELP ADVISE PLEASE

[mcmama]

I hear you, and it is very difficult when it splits up the girls like this. I understand the older daughter wanting to get away from her sister. Hopefully she will come in time to understand that you are not screwing up. ADD is very difficult to cope with, and the medication is an ongoing issue.

BTW, I am crazy too. And unstable. And Evil. See, my son was cutting himself, so I took him to a psychiatrist. Now, I was supposed to "consult" with his dad, but all his dad did was turn it into legal evidence against me, and only consider expensive psychiatrists off the plan who would be willing to testify in court against me. So after dilly dallying, and when it got dangerous, I finally did a TERRIBLE thing. I made a parental decision. I went to a psychiatrist recommended by another doctor who was on our plan. And my kid got medicated. A lot.

Well, there was all this terrible stuff about me DRUGGING our son with high doses of zoloft. Well, zoloft is what is prescribed for OCD, which is what cutting is a symptom of. And adolescent doses are higher than adult doses because of rapid metabolization. Of course, that was what evil me was saying. The kid kept taking the meds because he knew he was better off, but to this day he questions my judgement about doctors, medication, and so on. He is 22. After we divorced, the doctor cut the dose, and the kid was MUCH BETTER! SURPRISE! Only now have I been able to explain to my son why I did what I did - and that he is alive because of it. But I paid financially, still paying off the bills and debt from years of legal abuse.

Now, what can you learn from my experience? A few things:

1. Get therapy for yourself. You will find that you do have issues to deal with, and it will make you stronger. You will also find that you are not as crazy as he and his mom want to convince everyone that you are. You will also have some documentation that you are not "mentally unstable".
2. Document everything you do for your younger daughter. What medication, why, what treatment, who recommended. Especially document how you WERE on the right track until he ABUSIVELY INTIMIDATED the child about taking meds that were prescribed by a doctor. Truth is, ADD meds can be rough on kids, so she probably does not want to take them anyway. He is exploiting that. Stay involved with the child study team at school as well if she has been evaluated at school. He undoubtedly will try to derail the child study team and IEP process. Document it. When you are in any sessions with any professionals where he is present discussing your daughter's treatment, ask permission to tape it for the record. Then do it openly or have the professional you are seeing do it. Many family counselors tape sessions for their own records and use.
3. Get your attorney to make a motion barring him from telling the child that ADD meds cause cancer, or at least have your attorney write a letter. This documents abuse and parental alienation syndrome, a favorite "syndrome" of abusers to use against the custodial parent. If you have proper recommendations and have done your homework, it may be unlikely that any judge is going to go against medical recommendations (there are crazy judges). But even crazy judges know that the line about taking medication and getting cancer is abuse. And they won;t like it.
4. If this goes to court or mediation, make very sure that the judge or mediator knows that ADD is a difficult thing to cope with, and it is abusive to make it an "issue" to prove you incompetent. You are doing the right thing, the responsible thing, and he is punishing you for it.
5. Remain involved in your older daughter's life. Keep track of school records, support her in activities, and insist on being kept informed by him of EVERYTHING. That will drive him nuts. You're not insane, you;re "involved".
6. If you are so incompetent, maybe he'd like to live with an ADD pre pubescent girl who is unmedicated. There is only so much "this is all her mother's fault" that he will want to assume in his real life. Meantime, take every opportunity you can to educate him about ADD - or ask that your daughter's neurologist or special ed teacher take this on. Be prepared to hear that you have manipulated them all.

He is trying to take the girls away from you to beat you down. His mom is enabling it, and will likely step in to do all the mom stuff so he does not have to face the responsibility that you do. By taking the girls away, he probably thinks there is financial gain. Make sure he knows that this will not work.

You keep providing a stable environment, responding to both daughters' needs, and I predict the 14 year old will get over it = but she will have to hear a lot of poison. She may still choose to live with her dad, but guess what? He and grandma get teenage rebellion. And of course, that will be all your fault too.

The court may order an evaluation by an independent third party for your family, or may appoint a guardian ad litem to represent your children's interest in any divorce settlement. Abusers usually welcome this, and are so surprised when they do not win.

I feel for you, and many of us have been through this, and survived. You will too. Hugs!

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Tough being a parent, let alone a single parent and getting
stress from the ex-husband. Not fun at all.

Janet gives excellent advise. Document everything.

DS#2 has ADHD, and before we went through the process of a diagnosis, I used to repeat everything to him twice.
"Take out the garbage."
"Take out the garbage."
He wasn't ignoring me, but the 1st time never was processed.

A mother knows in her heart if the medication, prescribed by the doctor is the right thing to do. In just over a week, I could clearly see the difference in DS's handwriting.

Are you having special tests with school and the teachers?
I do not know what you call it in your area, but here it is an
Individual Education Program. Need to get the teachers onboard
with your daughter's needs.

Yes, document everything. Everything.

All the best!