[diegosmom]

First post...I have been lucky since my DH and I live in another country from his ex, my SS (17), and their family. SS visits us on school breaks when we can and we phone, email, etc.
Now the ex family (ex, new husband, 2 daughters) want to take a long trip to South America, where we live. We planned on having my SS with us. They want to have Christmas with us. My DH and I say no, but we are treading on that at the moment. Between us it is a no subject. I don't need to have warm fuzzy holidays with them. The SS fine, but the rest no. Besides my parents are coming from overseas to visit as well and they would think it was crazy.
Are we crazy? I know they will think we are the ones creating a problem. She will use this to create a riff between her, SS, and my DF. I am happy to have one big Christmas together when my SS invites us to his place when he is older and has one. I have no problem, but in MY house with my parents, our son...no, no, no...ikky.
I would appreciate comments in case I am missing something here.
Keep in mind that he wanted to leave the ex's house 2 months ago, quit school, etc. Also the ex is having problems with her husband as well.
Thanks

[Alejandros Mommy]

Firstly Welcome to families

About your post...it's your house, your rules..no if's or but's. She has to respect that she is no longer a part of your husbands family. She's is a part of his life but only becausethey have a child together. Talk to your husband and get him to talk to his son..invite him for Christmas and give him a plane ticket as a present. Then he needs to talk to his ex and tell her that he has only invited his son and not her and her family. She probably will be upset but he needs to make it clear that his son is his priority not her.

[VinniesMommy]

Welcome!!

It is def. up to you guys... I get along great with my DH's ex, her and my SS come over twice a week. It's a weird situation, that most people look down upon, but it works for us, and it's what is best for their son ((he is just about 2)). I'm not saying that it's right or wrong, but it shouldn't matter what any one else says. If you say no, it should be no, but if you are only saying no because of what your family might think, then you should maybe try to talk to them. HTH!

[Mama2Joce]

It is your house, your family. If you can get along with them and you all want to spend your holidays together, more power to you. But you shouldn't feel forced to have them in your house if you don't want them there, especially if both you and your DH don't want them there. If she has a problem with it, that is too bad, she will have to understand. Just break it to her gently, tell her it's just that it would make you guys uncomfortable, no bad feelings, it's just not what's right for you. If they are going to be down there for vacation anyway, it should be no problem for your SS to split the holiday, one family on xmas eve, one on xmas day, or one in the morning, one in the evening, etc.
My fiance's ex comes to his family's xmas gathering every year, and to some other family get togethers. I'm pretty used to it now, but at first I hated it. I had to spend my first xmas with his family with his ex there. Not fun. I think she should respect the fact that it's his family and he doesn't want her there. Same applies to your situation. It's your DF's family, it's your family. You get to decide who you want to invite or not.

[hennypenny]

I would be the same, and I'd probably say something along the lines of you'll only be having family there

[BonusMom]

I'm torn. My SD just lost her Great Grandmother on her birthmothers side and her BM came to stay with us for the wake. We get along with her, and she lives out of state.

But its different for us because I see it as this is SD's home to, and her mother is welcome in her home. SD likes it because her mother can see her room and her life. And the ex wife thing isnt and issue because my DH isnt attracted to her anymore, he loves his wife (me, te he) and ex wifes are ex wifes for a reason.

But in your situation your SS doesnt live there, and they would all be visiting. I know it feels awkward to say no. because on the one hand it sets things up for a comfortable future for weddings and holidays in your SS life. but on the other you want an intimate family holiday.

You might have to weigh whats more important to you, dealing with one day of her in your home or her making it seem like her side of the family isnt welcome to SS.

[coasterofluv]

But if they are travelling together than I guess it's kind of a package deal. I could see them not coming if you were paying to fly SS up to see you, but it's kind of unfair to take her son away from her on their vacation.

[pattiewrites]

I'm going to give you a different perspective. My sister in law and brother have Thanksgiving at their home every year. It is my whole family and her parents with their respective new partners. Her parents and their partners get along well and everyone has a great time. I envy this so much. My parents are divorced and God forbid we ever could have a gathering where my kids could enjoy both their grandparents. It just can't happen because my parents aren't adult enough to put aside their petty differences and get along. It would be nice for your stepson, now and later when he has his own family, if you guys could learn to get along and be around each other. In our family, my father is the one who misses out on all the big events, but that is his choice. Good luck with your decision.

I just wanted to add that my sister in law told me they have always gotten along well since they split, since they thought it was important for the kids that they get along and be friends.