[sle64]

Hello, I am new to this site. I have a bit of an unusual circumstance here.
I have a brother who found me about a year ago. I was very excited to have him as a part of my life. I've been out to see him twice since we met. (he lives in a different state). He has a family and a wonderful wife. We hit it off immediately. The last time I visited was in April to see my niece who had been born a few months earlier. At that time he talked about us moving out there, Sunday dinners, time together, etc. He seemed to have accepted us comletely. However, since that time, the communication has dropped off considerably. I tried calling a few times in June. He would pick up his cell and say "can I call you back?" and then never would. I tried this about 3 times. The third time he finally did call back and seemed almost irritated at me. His words were "you think because I don't call for a few weeks that I don't love you anymore?" My point was that fact that he didn't call back at all. So, since that time I haven't called anymore, thinking he needed some space. I wrote an e mail to my sister in law expressing my frustrations with my brother. She said in his defense he has been swamped with work, and she asked that I work it out directly with him and not involve her. He doesn't check e mail, he doesn't check his messages on his cell. I feel very limited in how I can contact him. I even tried writing a letter a few months back with a funny card. I'm about ready to give up. It's not like I'm calling every day or even every week. It's more like once a month. I need some closure. Even if he decided finding me wasn't what he thought it would be - I just need to know. What do I do?

[SensibleSibling]

hello...I'm brand new to this site. I see that no one has replied so I thought I might give it a go. First, I'm sorry you are having a hard time with your new found brother. It must be tough to have him find you and now feel rejected by him. It has to be an incredible emotional rollercoaster you're on right now. You want it to work out and you want him in your life yet, you're scared it isn't all the bliss you thought it was when you met.

Now I don't know your brother or you - so I'm shooting from the gut here but perhaps you're trying too hard. Maybe you need to relax a bit - give him a little more time than you would liek to call you back before you call again. Time gets away from all of us. I would suggest you give the phone & contact a little rest. Tell yourself you're going to wait until a month passes and then you're going to call and say, you're calling just to say hi and tell him about blah blah blah...If he doesn't suspect that you're going to lay into him for not being in touch on your timetable, he might be more receptive. YOu just met him take it slow and take the time to get to know him and HIS ways of communication. He has a new baby - he is working alot per his wife - he needs some space...or so it would appear. I know you're anxious to know him but it will be nicer if you let it take it's own course instead of trying to shorten the distance between now and then. I don't know if this makes sense but it's just my thought...good luck.

[sle64]

Thanks so much for your reply. What have said makes a lot of sense to me. Since my posting, I had a visit with my brother and his family. The time we spent together helped greatly, and when I got back home, I realized that it will take some time. Having a brother is different from a sister, and I'm getting used to that. Men see things differently. He is a good guy and I need to be more patient. I guess I was so excited that he found me, that I just wanted us to be close. Thanks again for taking the time to reply.

[Raiina]

Hi, the only thing I can tell you is that maybe he doesn't think you guys have much in common. I have a similar situation as you because my mom already had a daughter when she had me. My half sister is 4 years older than me. She's so pretty. She is 17 now, and she doesn't want anything to do with me even though I would like to spend alot of time with her. Well, I realize it's because we don't really have anything in common. I called her once, just to talk. But there was an uncomfortable silence on the line because we didn't really have anything to talk about. So I never called her again. But it doesn't mean that I don't love her, and I hope she loves me. Anyway my advice to you is just don't call him anymore and let him call you next time. That way you will be sure to know he called because he wants to be close to you. Maybe he really is busy. I wish you good luck.

[sle64]

Thanks for your input. I agree, now that more time has passed. Nothing has changed in the 4 years since we met. I have stopped all contact with him and am moving on. He knows where to find me. I have a sister also with the same circumstances and I do not contact her anymore either. I may never know the true reason, but there is nothing I can do about it.

[Raiina]

I'm so sorry, that is so sad! If I were you, I would at least send him cards on his birthday. Don't call him, but just keep in touch. My sister sends me cards, and even though we don't really talk or spend much time together at least it means she still thinks about me.

[sle64]

I've sent cards, birthday gifts, things for the kids, etc. Been there, done that. I get no response and nothing from his end. I can't do a one way relationship. Does not work for me. Thanks again for your advice, I really do appreciate it.

[vanaden]

Sometimes I think it is best to let things go that we can't do anything about. No sense in beating your head against the wall, right? He knows you care and that's wonderful that you tried so hard. He's lucky to have you!
But if it hurts, it's stressful and you've done all you can, i think you did the right thing by letting it ride. Good luck with everything.

[sle64]

Letting things ride is hard for me, because I don't understand the behavior to begin with. My therapist told me that some people just don't know how to handle things, so they don't address the issues. Thanks for the kind words and support.

[J920]

I will not pretend like I know what this is like. But I see how you are hurting and feeling down about yourself - like suddenly your in and then out.
What comes to mind, is that there are siblings raised together who dont get along but I dont think that is the case.
Without knowing the circumstances of how you were separated, maybe it can be assumed that he is genuinely happy to have found you but in the wake of the happiness, something has given way to unresolved emotions. Compound that with a newborn, he may be at his emotional limit. Its funny how sometimes we punish ourselves for something that may have nothing to do with at us and it will just need time to pass. I dont know what your correspondence is like with him, but I would refrain from sounding too needy. Express your love and concern and respect for his lack of communication. If too much time passes you can call and be light and easygoing like you would an old friend. I dont agree with not calling at all bc then it gives the impression that you are over sensitive and playing games....blah blah. And then they will think you are a drama queen just because they didnt give you the reaction you expected. Maybe something was said in your last visit that upset him and you dont realize? Or may it has nothing to do with you. Nevertheless you found him! Welcome to the wonderful rollercoaster ride of relationships, especially sibling relationships.