[lidochick]

What do I do when my husband won't go to my sister's because he hates being around her husband, and my son in law is refusing to come over for Christmas with the baby because my husband drank at Thanksgiving and got wierd (not the first time)

Do I tell this to my sister? Ugh...She is the only family on my side I have left, and we are close. We only see her husband these two time a year, and this year my husband just had a fit, drank, acted spaced out at dinner. My son in law is great, but very protective of our grand daughter and does not want her "exposed"

Now, my daughter is having Christmas dinner instead of me (about time) and I am welcome, but her dad is suppose to stay home alone (he doesn't want to go anyway due to brother in law being there)

Should I just let it be? I guess my ONLY two choices at this time are to refuse to go myself and stay home with husband, or go be apart of family and leave him home. Then I guess my daugther and son in law will feel great, like they really 'punished' him.
Sorry, I hope this reads out ok. Lidochick

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

The holidays are really tough, particularly when there are family issues.

Just so I understand here....
A) DH was intoxicated and made a scene on Thanksgiving this year. This has
upset your daughter, SIL, and grandbaby.
They do not wish to have a repeat on Christmas.

B) DH does not like your sister's husband and does not want to be around him.

C) Daughter is hosting Christmas and has invited your sister & her DH and you.
Your DH is not invited due to his behavior at Thanksgiving.

What are your choices?

A) Leave DH home alone for part of Christmas
and see your daughter, SIL, grandbaby,
your sister & her DH.

B) Stay home with DH at Christmas and not see the rest of the family.

Not certain about your husband's actual drinking habits,
but if it was enough to upset the entire family
and your daughter & SIL do not wish to expose the
grandbaby to it......
maybe your DH needs some intervention with his
drinking alcohol.

What do you think?

[lidochick]

DH like his beer, and will drink especially when other stresses are out there. Yes, he has a problem, but usually intermittant, and at home. It was just that at this family Thanksgiving he had a couple of beers before we left, and then added something to his punch at my sister's house. He didn't upset the entire family at all, and his behavior even escaped my notice. It was just the little things, being quiet, facial changes, body language. It's hard to explain, but when he drinks, especially when he combines beer with anything else, the chemical reaction is very different from how you would picture someone being drunk. If fact, it was three days latter than I even found out my sil and daughter were upset. So, I guess, I will go and leave him home to think about it, and try and let time heal some of this. Lidochick

[mcmama]

It sounds to me like drinking could be a problem and the family is refusing to put up with it. Also, to not go to your sisters house because he doesn't like her husband sounds pretty bogus.

If he feels he has to drink to survive these family encounters, he has a problem.

I would go to your daughter's without him. He has to deal with the consequences of his own behavior.

[mcmama]

Another thought - you said that your daughter and son in law would feel great, like they punished him.

It really does not sound like punishment to me. It sounds like your family has made a choice loud and clear that the behavior will not be tolerated, and they do not trust your husband to control himself.

[lidochick]

You are right on the mark. I know, intellectually all this is true...It's been a problem on and off for years. I add to it myself with liking to drink wine. If he sees me having wine, he figures it's ok for him. The problem is his handling of it is horrible. No one has ever accused me of drinking and acting wierd. I suppose the answer is to quit completely and see if he does the same. Lidochick

[mcmama]

Drinking wine is not a problem for YOU. So it does not add to his problem.

Addiction is what it is. And his problem with drinking does not have to do with your habits.

I'll give you an example - my uncle needed to quit smoking because he had a heart condition. He found this difficult, impossible to do. My aunt was a smoker too. In an effort to support him in not smoking, she quit. Cold turkey. No more smoking together as a couple. No more little things that would trigger the urge to smoke.

Guess what. He never quit. He never could get control of that.

Quitting was good for her own health of course, but I think it shows that what our habits are really do not influence another person quite as much as we think they do. His drinking is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to control it.

[MissyChrissy]

Originally Posted by mcmama

Drinking wine is not a problem for YOU. So it does not add to his problem.

Addiction is what it is. And his problem with drinking does not have to do with your habits.

I'll give you an example - my uncle needed to quit smoking because he had a heart condition. He found this difficult, impossible to do. My aunt was a smoker too. In an effort to support him in not smoking, she quit. Cold turkey. No more smoking together as a couple. No more little things that would trigger the urge to smoke.

Guess what. He never quit. He never could get control of that.

Quitting was good for her own health of course, but I think it shows that what our habits are really do not influence another person quite as much as we think they do. His drinking is not your fault, and there is nothing you can do to control it.

To be fair, if you want him to stop drinking, you shouldn't drink around him. The cardinal rule of addiction is people, places, and things. They are the triggers, and when he decides to sober up he will have to stay away from the people, places, and things that made him drink. Obviously, seeing others drink-especially his wife-would be a tremendous trigger for him. I worked in addictions for 5 years, and spent 1 year taking addictions counseling classes. I'm not just saying what I think-this is text book.

What to do about the holidays-I have no idea. You have to decide what you're comfortable with. It appears you do have some resentment toward your dh-perhaps justified resentment. But alcoholism is a disease...so???? What to do....

How does he feel about his drinking? Have you talked about both of you stopping?

[MissyChrissy]

Oh-and for the record, when my dh had carbon monoxide poisoning and needed to quit smoking & couldn't/wouldn't, I did quit and so did he. Personal experiences are just that, one couple's experience. That doesn't mean the same would hold true for you.

[monsterbab]

As the daughter of an alcoholic and the ex-wife of another, I completely respect the decision of those family members who don't want his behavior paraded in front of young family members. To tolerate his behavior at family 'occasions' is to give it the stamp of approval. This can have implications for the future expectations of your young relatives.

Like all alcolholics your husband is manipulative, and tries to find others to blame. So he's saying , "Well, you're my wife, and if it's o.k. for you to drink, it's okay for me to drink." So if you drink, his behaviou is 'your fault'. This is regardless of fact that your behavior is not 'weird' but quite normal after a glass of wine at dinner. At least I hope it is.

So the solution is quite clear, and is totally in your hands.

If he promises that so long as you don't drink, he will not drink at or before the event, AND in your experience he is sure to keep his promise, then you could ask your family if they will accept him if neither of you drink.

Not fair on you? Of course not. But it seems a small price for you to pay in order to have a unified family Christmas.

And if they don't accept this offer, that is their privilege. They are the hosts.

But if his drinking is so out of control that you can't trust him not to upset the family, then your choice is (1) go alone, or (2) don't go. This is entirely your choice and you ought not to blame any family members if you should choose either option.