[KR258]

I have been doing really good lately. My husband bought me a build a bear that he made for me and named the bear Keanu after our child and had them put on his birthday and weight on the certificate. It's a cute bear that I've been sleeping with every night since he gave it to me. He said he wanted to get something that would be about the size (he thinks) the baby should be right now, had he survived. He's been trying to be more supportive as time goes on. Now that we're TTC again he's been asking about my feelings alot more and trying to make sure I am ok with everything.

I really miss my little baby. I just want to have him back and I am kinda jealous (which I know isn't good) of God cause he gets to be with my baby...I know I shouldn't feel that way and I try not to. I just can't help it sometimes (not always though) I am happy we're ttc again and can't wait to have another one but I know those feelings for my little Keanu will never go away and I really don't want those feelings to effect how I feel for my future babies. I know I will love them just as much because I already feel as though I do and the baby doesn't even exsist as far as I know....but I am kinda worried that I'll be upset when I do have my next baby because Keanu isn't here too. I don't want to take away from my children. I just want them to be happy and healthy and with me. It has been 7 months 1 week and 1 day since my little Keanu went to heaven. When I was 6 I broke my arm and I couldn't imagine a worse pain then that. Then I gave birth to Katelyn and I couldn't imagine a worse pain or a stronger love. Then Keanu was born and I then I knew what true pain is and I realized that I could love another just as strongly as I love my Katelyn. They're such a precious blessing even when they can't stay with us. I can't imagine my life without my family and although Keanu isn't with me I feel like he is here and I just want to hold him but I can't. It hurts....but it is better than it used to be. I love him so so much. My arms feel so empty even though I have my sweet little Katelyn. I am so emotional.

I just wanted to share my feelings with people who can understand because I really think my dh as sweet as he has been doesn't feel the loss as much as we do. I of course also told my hubby about my feelings but I have to word it carefully for him or he'll think I mean that I don't want another baby which is the furthest thing from the truth. I think he has a comprehending problem...or maybe it's just a listening problem?...who knows!

I hope we get to conceive our next little blessing in 2008 and that this one gets to stay a bit longer than our precious little Keanu! Thanks for listening.

[allisonx]

That's sweet of DH. My DH got me a pygmy goat mostly because she was motherless and still drinking bottle food. She's sweet.

I'm a little jealous/angry of/with God, too, but I try to come to terms with Him every day. I'm sure He had His reasons for the plan he set for my baby, and I'm positive He will give me a child on His time.

I just hope He hurries up a little... haha.

((hugs)) If you need to PM me, feel free. I'm usually around.