[venting]

1st post and maybe this is just me venting(pun intended). Don't know how to start so here it goes. Been married for 6 years and together 9 years. Great wife that does many things well so I think I shouldn't feel this way. Since having our son, my wife has gained a lot of weight. She's 5'8 and weighs 250ish(size 22). She jokingly blames my son for putting on thw weight. When I first met her, she had a knockout body like serena williams or tikara. She was thick but she was hot. Not so much anymore.
Sex has become actually disgusting. She gets out of breath and starts to wheeze. This should be funny but it really hurts my heart. I don't want to have sex with my wife anymore. I'm in the military and just came back from a 8 month deployment. She gained more weight. We only had sex 3 times since I been back(2 months). She asked if I had an affair(which I hadn't) but I never asked her if she did. I never told her why, but it was because I was hoping someone else was making her happy because I can't do it anymore. She's a great mom and always takes care of the house while I'm deployed. I've often thought about going to a psychatrist or hypnotist so they could make me accept her as she is.
I've tried the positive reinforcement, working out together and everything else. Nothing seems to work. I just honestly don't want to be touched anymore. I've taken up watching insane amounts of porn which I feel bad about afterwards because that's what my wife is(supposed to be) for. I not looking for someone to tell me to stray. I want my wife back. I want to be attracted to her again. I've even made the offer of buying her new clothes and stuff for every 10 lbs she loses. Offered to pay for surgery. She wants none of it.
When I offered to work out with her, she said "working out makes me bulk up". I'd rather take a amazon-she-woman than what I have now. If I could pin this down to anyone thing-I think it's tv. She stays up late watching reruns on tvland till 2 or 3 then wakes up at 6ish. She struggles through the day and has no energy for working out. While the rest of us are asleep, she munches along on her "healthy"snacks-a whole bag of trail mix isn't very healthy. I've told her this stuff all the time but she doesn't listen
I'm not religous at all but I do believe in fate. I really feel this is my prison that I was meant to have. I really predict there will be a time where we get divorced over this. I try to keep positively looking at her good things but it's getting rough. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[Greenkiwi]

Your wife could be depressed, you should talk to her and ask her to go with you to see a counselor/doctor to determine the severity of her depression. I wouldn't think that telling her she's fat is a way to go, however. And working out will only make her gain more weight (muscle weighs more than fat). I would suggest walking for 30 mins every night. I did this with my dad in high school and my 2 year old loves to climb into his stroller and walk every night with me now, we often take granddad as well (lives a few houses down). We take my hubby every once in a while but it's quiet time for me and my son and my hubby just can't be quiet, lol. He has ADHD. I really hope you and your wife can work it out. A counselor would be a great option though.

[mollymae]

I think your being pretty hard on your wife. she's been on her own raising your child. For some women pregnancy does completely alter their motabilism. Maybe it's just that your using her weigh gain as reason that you don't feel you love her anymore. I know I would still be besotted with my hubby even he weighed 40 stone.

For me being in love is more than that first flush of passion it's a deep soulmate/kindred spirit thing.

[Samual]

She does need to lose weight, she needs to be healthy to be a good mother to your children. If my partner abused his body, I wouldn't be able to find him attractive either. If your wife cannot breathe properly, you do need to try your hardest to get her to the doctor, breathing problems worsen during the sleep, which can be very dangerous.

Watching porn, how is that going to lead to any progress? All that does is push you and your wife further from each other and gives you views of what a women should be, which aren't very realistic.

[egytopp]

I think you are a great person http://marragiefun.blogspot.com/

[Magic_Mikki]

The way you are going about "helping" your wife lose weight is not the right way. I would be very insulted if my husband said those things to me. Its almost as though you are bribing a child to clean his room.

I do agree that your wife could lose some weight, but if she isn't interested, it ain't happenin, friend! She needs to be more self-motivated for it. Gaining weight during and after pregnancy is totally normal. It is totally normal for you to notice the weight gain and not be pleased or attracted to her because of it. I agree with others, that perhaps seeing someone would be beneficial for you two? Have you confronted her about everything? It would be VERY hard, but it might save your marriage. I don't know if my advice is realistic for you, but I hope it helps!

[jkvkdailey]

I'm sorry you aren't attracted to your wife anymore, but I agree that you are going about this the wrong way. You cannot change her or convince her to lose weight, it has to be something she wants to do for herself - not for anyone else. If she won't/can't lose weight, you need to realize what else you fell in love with because I certainly hope it wasn't just her body!

I think you should seek counseling to see if there are other issues in your marriage. I wish you luck, and I know how it feels not to be attracted to your mate. It's not fun

Kim

[carcour]

your wife needs to lose weight. ask her to lose weight and tell her that it will fix your relationship.
my husband is the same way by the way, he doesn't find me attractive anymore. We have a 7 months old now but i honestly think that i look better now than when we met. the one thing i wish for is for him to be honest with me and tell me what has changed and why he doesn't want to sleep with me anymore.
women are tougher than men think ... and (no offense) they are not insecure like men and won't be hurt easily with criticism. just freakin tell her to lose weight so the two of u can live ur life.

[mcmama]

I don't understand this at all. My mom was 98 pounds when she got married, after us kids she weighed 140 (very short lady) and my dad said that was ok, there was more of her to love.

Now, as to health, yes, it is to be encouraged. But nagging will not do it. Having lost a lot of weight myself (put on by being diabetic without knowing it, and having stress from a 15 year disaster marriage and a 4 year long divorce that ended at the appellate level before I was allowed to be free) you have to have a motivation from within to lose and keep with it.

Two things did it for me once I was free to live my own life. One was relearning to eat through one of those controlled meal programs - I am not much of a cook, so this was great, someone did the thinking for me. And I started running with a group that really encouraged me to exercise sensibly and set realistic goals. If I wheeze, I know something is wrong with me.

She'll find comfort in food if she finds none from you.

Invite her to work out with you and start slowly first. Not "bulk up" exercise. Show her the Galloway method of run/walk which is designed for people who don't exercise and really gets measurable results in short time if you keep with it.

Sleep is part of this. When you don't sleep your body is under stress, and reacts as though it is being starved - when in fact you are anything but starving. It has been proven that there is a correlation between sleeplessness and weight gain, and to some extent, diabetes type 2.

This may be a response to the stress of your deployments. You both need counseling, and she needs it individually.

[shawspear]

That's a common problem in my opinion although I don't know percentages. Women of course want to attract men so when they're single, are extremely motivated to be hot. However, when married, they feel less motivated to stay that way. Men of course have an analogous failing: they try to "show off" with false talents to impress the women but after marriage, their true colors are exposed.

It sounds harsh but in truth, men want the fox and women want the wealth and when things change after marriage, problems occur.

It's likely she's going to be overweight all her life. Sure, there are exceptions, but dramatic weight-loss has its own problems. Keep in mind that most weight loss is temporary. Look at Oprah. With all her money she still can't do it. You sound like big women are unacceptable to you. I realize you have a child but in my opinion you're marriage is failing and will ultimately end in divorce . . . although she could have a dramatic awakening. Sometimes things happen, life-changing events, and when you're pumping that barbell you think to yourself . . . "does it hurt enough yet?".