[WhiteWolf529]

My wife has Fibromyalgia which pretty much means that I do EVERYTHING. I often feel like a single parent. I cook, I clean, I do the housework, I get our daughter ready for and take her to school every day, I pick her up from school every day. When she feels up to doing something she usually goes out and works with her potted plants and I better not dare suggest that she spend that energy on household work or we get into a fight. I work out of the house and I get up at 5:30 every day. Between calls for work I get our oldest (6yrs) ready for school and then take a 15 minute break to drive her to school. I get a lunch break at 9:30 at which time I wake up our youngest daughter (16mo). I change her diaper, feed her and watch some horrible kids show til 10:30 when I have to get back to work. Then I wake my wife and she takes over with the little one until the baby falls asleep around 1:00 or 2:00 or I get off work at 2:00. If the baby is asleep when I get off work I try to take a little nap and/or get some household work done. The baby usually wakes between 3:00 and 4:00 and I taker her from my wife who goes back to sleep. At 4:30 I go pick up my oldest from day care (we send her so she can go to a better school and so she has other kids to play with after school). Then I start on dinner. When dinner is ready I wake my wife and she usually eats with us but rarely without complaining in some way about what I have prepared. After dinner I get our oldest ready for bed and put her down by about 8:00. Some nights I bathe the kids as well. After the oldest is in bed I try to clean up after dinner, if my wife is willing and able to watch the baby. If not I sit with her and the baby in the living room until 11:00 or 12:00 when the baby usually goes to sleep. If I suggest that I am tired and would like to go to bed earlier it usually results in us fighting so most nights I just stay up. After about 11:00 I typically start getting cranky and make a comment about how tired I am which then results in a fight. Once I finally get to bed I am dead until my alarm goes of the next morning a few minutes before 5:30. She will usually spend most of the night in front of her computer because she can’t sleep. Recently she has started getting violent. About 6 months ago she tore the shirt off my back in front of our oldest daughter. Last month she gave me a black eye. She has bitten me a couple of times one of which left a deep bruise for over a month. I only ever struck her once, in the hip in retaliation and I still regret it. I do attempt to restrain her when she gets violent and I am definitely stronger than her but that is usually when I get bitten. Tonight I saw that violent streak start coming out in her again. There is this part of me that says “just give in give her what she wants” but what does that leave me? I must cow to her whim whenever we fight because I am afraid of her getting violent. So I try to stand up for myself and calm her down. Out fights usually start with her criticizing something that I have done. Something wrong with dinner something wrong with what I bought at the store, etc... She can’t ever make a comment without being condescending with makes me mad so I make a comment back this goes one of 2 ways. We start screaming at each other which sometimes leads to her getting violent or I back down and walk away. I am not even usually arguing my original point by the time we are done. I am telling her that what angers me is the way she is constantly criticizing me and putting down what I do but she is too angry to hear anything at that point. What prompted me to write this was our most recent fight tonight, a perfect example. This afternoon I hung some curtains over a couple of different windows. They are the kind with rings and clips to attach the curtains at the top. She thinks I used too many clips on one window (there are more to do still) and so she tells me but she doesn’t just say that there are too many clips she comes at my like I am and idiot for using up all the (easily movable) clips on this one window. I try to explain that I did them like the other window whit I rightly (I guess since she didn’t complain about that one) used the same number of clips per foot. She keeps at me. I don’t mind moving them around if that’s what needs to be done but when she talks down to me like that it just pisses me off. I tell her that I like the way it looks and we can get more clips if we need to as I am taking down the extra clips per her request. She can’t just agree that there are two right answers. I am perfectly happy to do it her way if she would just acknowledge that my way has some merit. So it escalates in front of our kids and suddenly the violent side comes out again and I flinch as I think she might hit me. Then I try to walk past her and she grabs hold of my shirt with both fists and, through gritted teeth tells me to back off. I am not sure what to do at this point. My oldest daughter comes up to us and asks us to please not repeat the shirt tearing fight and I just want to finish re-hanging the drapes and put this behind us. I tell her as calmly (for some reason there is a calm that seems to come over me at this point that unfortunately seems to anger her even more) as possible to let me go so I can finish the drapes and get back to what is left of our evening. When she finally loosens her grip I push her hands away or jerk away from her. She then takes the kids and tells them to come to our bedroom with her. I finished hanging the drapes and then stuck my head in to be sure everyone is ok. She immediately snaps at me to get out. I tell our oldest daughter that she does not have to be locked in the bedroom with her mom if she wants to come out. I probably should have just let her be as I most likely put her in between by making her choose. I then came in here to get out what is on my chest. When my daughter came out to get some stuff I asked how she was doing and told her again she didn’t have to be in our bedroom. She could do something else if she wanted. She told me her mom said she had to come back in so I told her that is probably what she should do and let her go. When she was gone I cried. I feel like I am losing my family and there is nothing I can do about it. I know my wife loves me and out kids. Because of the fibromyalgia her doctor has her taking all kinds of drugs including narcotics. She takes a few percocet a day and has a pain patch that is supposedly VERY strong that she changes every other day. She is on a thyroid medication and an antidepressant and I’m not sure what else. She is not the woman I married. I still love her I just don’t know what to do. We have sought counseling. She insists that I need it as much as she does and maybe she is right but… I don’t know. The counselors I have talked to have not been much help. I am not seeing anyone right now but maybe I’ll try again. She has just started seeing a new counselor that works with some holistic practitioners and if fairly optimistic that she can get the Fibro under control. She didn’t even want to start on the other stuff before that as she thought without controlling the Fibro and getting rid of the narcotics we would be butting our heads against a brick wall. I am cautiously optimistic. She relinquished my daughter so I could brush her teeth before bed and tuck her in. Actually she just released both of them and went back to bed. I’ll have to end this now as I have to watch the baby until she falls asleep. Here’s hoping for 10:00! I am not really looking for advice though comments would probably be nice. I guess I just want to know that someone… even a stranger will listen. Good Night.

[mcmama]

Wait a minute. This sounds more like manic depression than fibromyalgia.

Fibromyalgia is very painful and debilitating - but people who have it do not sleep all day. It is exhausting - but people who have it do not sleep all day. Also the violence is really not a characteristic of people with fibromyalgia.

It sounds to me like your wife may have some problems with med incompatabilities. Likely one of the antidepressants is escalating her into a manic state which perpetuates the violence.

She needs to see a psychiatrist who will regulate her antidepressants/mood drugs. Then work on everything else. Once she is stable, she can make decisions (with you, I hope) about holistic medicine.

Is she taking st johns wort? That will cause some people to become manic - it may be "natural" but it is still an antidepressant which will cause some bipolar people to escalate.

For yourself, take a look at this website - if a type of bipolar depression is present, this will help you as a family member, and connect you to more information. www.bpso.org.

[KR258]

I agree her antidepressant isn't working and you should see a doctor about this. They should be adjusting her meds so she can feel as normal as possible. My sister is on antidepressants and has had to change a few times because the meds weren't right for her and she was becoming suicidal. I hope you can find some help for your family.

[dhilbert]

i agree with the above ladies, i think that your wife has an underlying preoblem, my mother has fibro and has for about 10 or 15 years, it has gotton worse as the years progress cus as u know there is no cure. I know that everyone is different but my mother is not violent and functions like you or i do everyday, some things just take her longer cus she is in so much pain! If i can i will try to get some info from my mom who works in the medical field and deals with fibro as well and see if she can give u any suggestions to talk to your doc about, in the mean time, you really need to get her to see a sychologist before she really hurts some one, maybe this manic depression she seems to have is stemmed from the fibro and her not feeling as she can do what she used to be able to do, but either way it seems to be getting very dangerous and she really needs some help!

[dhilbert]

Hi again, i asked my mom what she thought about this hoping that she would have some better advice than i since she deals with firbo every day and this is what she said HTH

It's hard to determine what is going on. I agree with you that she is depressed, but there could be many other underlying issues. For one, her medicines may be causing some side effects she doesn't realize are happening. Also, it seems to me that she has lost all respect for her husband and has no intention of trying to regain any.

Many times chronic fatigue syndrome accompanies fibromyalgia and will cause people to want to sleep or have no energy a large portion of the time. There are many factors that will cause fibromyalgia to flare up, including weather changes, cold, stress, depression (which will happen with being in pain all the time), and it sounds as if this woman may be in a never-ending cycle of flareup and depression.

Fibromyalgia is a "designer" syndrome, which means that it affects each individual in different ways. Many have similar symptoms but not everyone is going to have the same set of symptoms. There are times when there is definite pain, a need to sleep at "odd hours," inability to sleep, and all those other things including depression, but I think this woman has many other issues.

[MommyDee]

Absolutely agreed with the above comments... a psychiatrist would be your best bet to start getting things under control. The violence and arguing in front of your babies is not good for any of you, and from what you are saying, it sounds as if this wasn't the norm before your wife became ill.

Also, with regards to how much work you are doing -- is it possible for you to get some assistance around the house? Even hiring someone to do a bit of housework once a week, or putting the baby in daycare a couple of days a week, could make a world of difference for both of you. If it's not financially feasible, you could check and see if there are any local programs available for assistance, especially considering your wife's medical condition.

You still love her; that is a very important thing, and it means there is still hope for getting things worked out. Best of luck, with a little help you should be able to find the balance you need.

[MissyChrissy]

My mom has bipolar disorder, and when I was younger and it wasn't treated she treated my father exactly how you described. I'm going to agree with everyone else that this is more psychological than a physical condition. She needs help.

You're going to have to lay down the law to her and say that you're not going to live this way any more. Either she goes for help, or you're leaving her.

My father raised me and my brother on his own. It can be done.