[AGM2008]

OK , Been divorced 4 years . 3 kids 50/50 custody week on week off.
The older my kids get 15 /12/11 the less they want to see thier mother. Her life is crazy , she is depressed all the time and has some real problems. She is basically a negative person , I am optomistic , energetic and happy. I do not put on a act for my kids , I lead by the example of being positive even when things look bad sometimes. My kids can trust my consistent behaviour .
I am competley dedicated to my kids. I work hard to ensure thier wellbeing in all aspects of thier lives. Their mother is a train wreck. I have tried over the past 4 years to help her and help her relationship with her own children. I have fought against my own instincts to take them away from her. I have always tried to expouse the good in their mother to my children . Trying to teach them that everyone is different and that she loves them despite her actions.
Well as they get older it is harder and harder to cover for her , she drinks to much and just acts a fool. Basically they are not buying it anymore and I have to really really make them go to their Moms. Every Sunday they get really sad and even sometimes cry about having to go back. I know this is the worst feeling anyone could ever have , sending your kids away to somewhere that really may be bad for them.
At what point do I pull the plug and go all the way ? How bad does it have to get ? Thanks

[Alejandros Mommy]

Not knowing the other side of the story the only advice I can offer is to get a lawyer. Once you have joint 50/50 custody it is extremely hard to get rid of. You have to prove her an unfit mother.

[AGM2008]

You have to prove her an unfit mother.[/quote]
Correct , I do not want to do this. She is not bad enough to be bad (does that make sence?) she is just cold and depressed alot. She left me for a women .. this women tried and failed to become the father figure. It was a ugly situation for sure; and I beleive that my kids have not forgiven her for it.Although they may with time and that is what is unkown. Putting them into the situation that they have to testify against her may be hard to deal with later on in thier lives.
But as I dad I want to protect them ... every week I have to let them go into a hurtfull situation .. its hard on them and I know it.

[Alejandros Mommy]

I can understand...I have sole custody of my 1st (from a previous relationship). It is very hard on him...esp when he tells me he doesn't want to go and is whiney and sad until he has to go. I have no choice as we have a court ordered custody 'agreement'....but I have told him that once he ets older he can choose not to go anymore if that's what he wants. I don't want to cut him off from seeing his grandma who takes care of him when the "ex" is supposed to be having time with him.

[AGM2008]

[quote=Aiden&Alejandros Mommy]Ibut I have told him that once he ets older he can choose not to go anymore if that's what he wants.
I guess this is where my kids are at .. they have chosen in some respect that they dont want to go. I have to make them go so to speak.
I know thier are no easy answers to this .. just want to make sure I do the right thing for them I guess.

[mcmama]

Have you been in touch with the straight spouse network? That has been a lifesaver for me. My ex husband is gay. He also tried to prove me unfit. My life has been a trainwreck due to the demands placed on me by him. Happily, with kids now older, and everyone learning how to establish their personal boundaries, we are getting free of this. But it is never amicable for us. My ex is in the closet. Part of the way he tried to prove me unfit was by ridiculing me for knowing that he is gay.

Please PM me if you want to talk further. When your wife goes with another woman, men go through distinct stages of grief. Also, as cooperative as you want to be, somehow you always wind up feeling like some kind of villian, even though you may be the stable and consistent one.

Many men I have met through the straight spouse network have achieved constructive resolutions to custody issues - not ideal resolutions, but constructive enough to maintain custody and involvement while getting past this trouble. Some do have full time residential custody as well.

I suspect from your posts that you may have questions that so many men in this position have faced. Peer support really helps to put it in perspective, and it is very confidential.

[AGM2008]

Originally Posted by mcmama

Also, as cooperative as you want to be, somehow you always wind up feeling like some kind of villian, even though you may be the stable and consistent one.
Exactly how I feel , she runs me around and I let her because I feel like I did something wrong all the time. WHY , she left me ! I dont get it . My instinct is to work hard so I do everything she wants and things that she does not want to do. I dont really care that she left me for a women , I guess I look at it the same as if she left me for anyone. It was actually pretty funny in some wierd way seeing them try to be a little happy family unit.. Sad.
I suspect from your posts that you may have questions that so many men in this position have faced. Peer support really helps to put it in perspective, and it is very confidential.

Thanks I will check it out , appreciate that