[Mommie2Rylee]

Hello!
I'm new here and am in a situation where I need some outside advice, other than family and friends. Some background first...I have been married for 5 years but together with my husband for 11 years...we started dating in high school. We have basically grown up with each other and have never broken up longer than 2 days in the past 11 years and until this point have never been with anyone else. My husband is in the military and was deployed to Iraq from June 06 to Aug 07...while he was gone I gave birth to our first child. When he came home last year he had told me he was so excited to be a father and be my husband again but things quickly went the other way...I truly believe he had/has PTSD but he refused to go to counseling to help transition back into "normal" life. So, after putting up with him going to the bars every night, not coming home till early morning, not helping one bit with my daughter, etc for about 6 months, we started arguing all the time because he didn't see there was a problem and I didn't want to live my life like that. We argued all the time...from Feb to May this year we were at each other's throats constantly and it just wasn't healthy...in May we sat down and discussed seperating and I asked for him to go to counseling but he refused again...said it doesn't work. I asked him numerous times but it was always NO! So finally in June I asked him to leave and give me some space to figure out what I wanted to do and he agreed. We had not mentioned anything about divorce yet just seperating...so fast forward 3 weeks he comes over to visit our daughter and admits to me that he's been "talking" with this woman at work and isn't sure where it's leading...I didn't even know what to say...we kept talking and then slowly he kept admitting more and more stuff and then ended up confessing that they had sex the week before...my heart instantly broke into pieces. Evidently they have been "talking" since April and confessing their feelings for each other but had never had sex until now. I was devastated!! All I could do was ask him to leave and then I cried and cried and cried. How could the person I LOVED more than anything do this to me? This was supposed to be our seperation time and he immediately went and pursued someone else. I didn't speak to him for 3 weeks after that.
So now to the present...I filed for divorce and am trying to move on all while trying to remain friends with him (because I've been with him so long I don't want to cut him out of my life and because we have a child) but now he's begging me to take him back...says he'll go to counseling and do anything to make things work, but yet he's still been seeing this woman (they work together) and spending time with her. He spent the day with her Saturday but says that he thinks about me all the time. He says that he spent the day with her to tell her that this could possibly be the last time they are togehter because he's getting ready to leave for 2 weeks for the military . He says he doesn't want any contact with me or this other woman during this time so he can figure out what he wants to do...he says he needs to figure out if he's with her to fill some void that he's missing with me or because he really "loves" her. He needs to figure out if he wants to come back to me because he's scared of the unknown or because he really loves and misses me and wants to work things out.
I really don't know what to do...up until this point I've been telling him, and myself, that I can't take him back because I can't set myself up for this pain again...but I want more than anything to be with him and make things work. My heart says one thing but my brain says another. I don't want to be the wife that always wonders what he's doing and who he's doing it with but I know I will...I'm also willing to go to counseling but I don't think counseling can help build back trust can it? I love him so much and don't want to be with anyone else but I just can't bare the thought of going through this again. We've been spending more time together in the past 2 weeks talking about things and I will admit I did have sex with him again and it all just makes me want him back more. I feel so sleezy for having sex with him knowing he's slept with her on several occasions but I just couldn't help myself. I was trying to hold on to him I think.
What do you think? Am I stupid for even considering taking him back??
If you've read this far, I SOOOO appreciate it! Any advice would be great!!

[bhoneycutt]

Oh, wow... I am sad just reading your post. It brings back memories of when I've been cheated on in previous relationships. But none of those relationships were nearly as important as the one you are in now.

I can tell you that some women are just wired to not be able to get past that sort of thing. I am one of them. That would be a complete deal breaker for me. No question about it. I have a hard enough time now completely trusting my husband because I grew up with a father who was constantly cheating on my mother. I have a hard time trusting ANY man. As far as I know, my husband has been faithful to me but I am always doubting him and checking up on him. If it was ever confirmed that he cheated, I would never be able to get over it, nor would I want to. If he did that to me, knowing my painful past, then he wouldn't be worth the time and effort to try to move past it and rebuild that trust.

It sounds like you would have a hard time, if not impossible time, trying to move past it, always having it in the back of your head wondering if he's doing it again. That's not fair to you, to have to live with that kind of pain when it was him who messed up so badly.

I can't tell you what to do in this situation, as that is solely your decision. I can tell you that as a daughter who grew up with a cheating father, it messed my mind up something terrible. You have a daughter and you need to figure out what is the best for both of you.

I pray that you never have to endure that kind of pain from your husband or any man in the future!!! I know from experience, it's the worst kind of pain. Best of luck to you no matter which direction you take. Take care...

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Looks like you are a lurker and decided to post. I feel really badly for your situation.

Get tested for STDs. Take care of your own health.

Counseling w/ your husband. ASAP. See if this helps.

Wishing you all the best!

[Mommie2Rylee]

Originally Posted by bhoneycutt

Oh, wow... I am sad just reading your post. It brings back memories of when I've been cheated on in previous relationships. But none of those relationships were nearly as important as the one you are in now.
I can tell you that some women are just wired to not be able to get past that sort of thing. I am one of them. That would be a complete deal breaker for me. No question about it. I have a hard enough time now completely trusting my husband because I grew up with a father who was constantly cheating on my mother. I have a hard time trusting ANY man. As far as I know, my husband has been faithful to me but I am always doubting him and checking up on him. If it was ever confirmed that he cheated, I would never be able to get over it, nor would I want to. If he did that to me, knowing my painful past, then he wouldn't be worth the time and effort to try to move past it and rebuild that trust.
It sounds like you would have a hard time, if not impossible time, trying to move past it, always having it in the back of your head wondering if he's doing it again. That's not fair to you, to have to live with that kind of pain when it was him who messed up so badly.
I can't tell you what to do in this situation, as that is solely your decision. I can tell you that as a daughter who grew up with a cheating father, it messed my mind up something terrible. You have a daughter and you need to figure out what is the best for both of you.
I pray that you never have to endure that kind of pain from your husband or any man in the future!!! I know from experience, it's the worst kind of pain. Best of luck to you no matter which direction you take. Take care...

Thank you!! I honestly do think that I am the kind of woman that won't be able to get past this so as much as I want to try to work things out I just don't know if it's worth it. I talked to my husband again last night and I just don't get the vibe that he will be willing to cut off all ties with this other woman and put forth 10,000% to rebuild my trust and love. He says he still loves me and is just really messed up right now but that doesn't make it better to me. It doesn't justify everything that has happened.
I am so confused right now it's ridiculous...yesterday I thought there was a good chance we could work things out but then after talking to him again I'm back to thinking it won't work. And like you said, I need to figure out what will be best for my daughter as I don't want her going through this all over again sometime down the road.

[Mommie2Rylee]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Welcome to the board!
Looks like you are a lurker and decided to post. I feel really badly for your situation.
Get tested for STDs. Take care of your own health.
Counseling w/ your husband. ASAP. See if this helps.
Wishing you all the best!

Hi Thanks! Sorry about being a "lurker"...I actually didn't even remember that I had joined this site and I just found it again last week...it automatically logged me in when I found it otherwise I would have never rememberd my username.
I'm wondering if an option to my problem would be to ask my husband to cut ties with this woman and then we would just "date" each other for a couple months while going to counseling...that way we can see if things might work. I don't want him to move back home right away and just jump back in to how things were...we need change. I just don't know...as I just posted I'm seriously doubting whether or not he'd actually cut ties with her...

[jkvkdailey]

I can't tell you what to do either, but I would suggest counseling for the both of you. Can he stay away from this woman if they work together? Will he commit to counseling if he refused before, or is he using it as a ploy to get you back? I honestly don't know what I would do in this situation, but I think I would start with counseling (whether he goes with or not), and listen to the advice your counselor gives - they are also a neutral third party, but with lots more training and experience in these types of situations.

Whatever you do, put your daughter's health and your health before your husband's. He's a big boy and can take care of himself, you need to help your little baby girl grow up into a healthy and beautiful woman.

I wish you the best!

Kim

[Magic_Mikki]

First, I am sooo sorry what you're going through! I can't even imagine how hard this must be on you, especially with a baby girl at home! No matter what you choose to do, I hope you decide to get counceling by yourself just to help you get over this hump in life! You must be such a strong woman!

I agree with previous posters.. take care of your own health, and that of your daughter, first! Like Angie said, I suggest getting tested for STD's. You never know where the other woman has been!

Also, it seems like your husband is having some sort of remorse, but not the amount he should be having in this situation! I had to re-read parts of your post just to make sure I was reading right, but he admits to possibly loving this other woman? Yikes. That is bad news bears! It also seems as though he is trying to blame you for his infidelity. (Of course, I don't know the entire situation, just what is posted, so that may not be the case!) What he went through in Iraq is horrible, and it obviously affected his life, and yours, but you have presented him with options, such as counceling. Counceling would be the absolute first and easiest step, and if he isn't willing to take that step, then there is nothing more you can do. He needs to be able to do this for himself before he can do much for you.

Maybe it's time to cut your losses and cut him loose. It would be incredibly difficult to go your separate ways, especially since you're still very much in love with him, but sometimes the hard path is what's right for you.

[mcmama]

You can lurk as much as you like! Lots of people just want to read so that they can see if there are any ideas about things they have interest it.

You can get past infidelity, but it takes two. If the trust is not there, it is not there. And that is what is needed to get past it. Your husband has to come totally clean with you. Full fledged sexual cheating endangers your health as well as your marriage. And even if it is just flirtation or fantasy or company, it impacts your marriage, takes away opportunities to build your marriage, affects how he relates to you and to your own sense of self worth. He's not meeting your needs if he is looking elsewhere for a relationship.

And double that if he is lying to you and to himself about it.

Sometimes people cheat on their husbands or wives because they are looking for a way to avoid what is really the problem. It's a way of escaping not only the spouse, but the problem, which they can then blame on the spouse instead of dealing with it themselves. If he has PTSD, then he definitely has to face up to that, and it's impact not only on him but on his family.
Infidelity can be overcome in a marriage, but it takes two - and he has to value and respect your trust, and work with you to rebuild it and deserve it. He has to want to be in a true marriage, not just an arrangement of convenience for raising children.

[Mommie2Rylee]

Thanks everyone! I am planning on going to a counselor real soon whether he goes or not...I know I need to, to help me get past this. I will go get tested for STDs too...I feel so nasty and pissed for putting myself in danger like this. I thought I was a strong person but feel so weak for giving in and sleeping with him agian.
I'm actually glad he'll be gone for these next two weeks so I can have some space to figure out what I really want too. I'm so tired of being treated this way and I know I don't deserve it...Like you said it takes 2 people to make it work and I'm really doubting that he will put in all the effort he needs to to fix things. I don't want to be back in this boat again 2-3 years from now so I need to really study his actions to see if he's sincere in working things out. I guess we'll see.
Thanks again for all your advice! It really helps getting outside opinions.

[mlcassid]

Good for you for taking the steps YOU need to move forward. My feeling is, if he, after ALL THAT TIME being together and having a child can do this to you, then he just doesn't care enough like he should. You are his FAMILY! If he can do this to you, then I feel he is capable of anything and for doing it again. Nobody deserves such mediocre treatment. Especially you. And he's not serious if he's still seeing this other woman. I'm sorry about my anger, this recently happened to a friend of mine (2 years ago). She ended up going for counseling on her own after he kept refusing. He said all those same things to her but continued on with the other person. They ended up divorcing (they didn't have children together) and she has since met someone else and is now living with someone who she believes to be her match. She's never been happier, that is for sure, and she is now grateful for everything. Still angry, but grateful. They are getting engaged soon and it's nice to see her be treated how she deserves to be and to see her so happy (she never knew what she was missing!). I believe everyone deserves the very best and should not settle for less. Life is too short for that. I will be thinking of you and hoping for all good things to come your way.