[specialteachmom]

My daughter gets upset when she has a birthday or celebrates Christmas and gets a gift that she is not allowed to take home. My daughter is four years old. She just celebrated her fourth birthday. She lives with me, her mom. Her father sees her twice a week- per an agreement made by him. She was given 7 princess dolls for her birthday. She asked her dad if she could take them home. He would not let her, stating, "You need to keep them at home (meaning his place)." I am a single mom who is living on a teacher's salary and receive child support. However, I bought her clothing recently costing $175 and a new bike costing $90. Maybe I should replicate his gifts so she can have them at home but that seems costly. However, it's sad to see her being given a "present" and told she can't have them. He has another daughter and has never done this to her. I don't know what to do. Am I spoiling my daughter by thinking that she "needs" these things or do I have a right to feel sad for her?

[stillparentingafteralltheseyears]

I asked my 25 y/o daughter about this since she was in the same situation from age 3 when her father and I divorced. She reminded me that at the time we had discussed the positive aspects of having 2 sets of toys. She suggested you getting your daughter one similar doll that your daughter does not have at her father's house. We did that with her Cabbage Patch Premie which she just told me loved more than all the ones she had at the father's home. I do not remember being sad for her but feeling sad for her father who felt he had to outdo me with gifts at my daughter's expense. It seemed somewhat sadistic of him to not allow her to bring them to the home where she spent most of her time. Unfortunately your daughter will have to get used to this as a child of divorce.

[princesslolaluv]

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[hensonbean]

I've seen this happen before and am rather disturbed by it. I've also seen it where one angry divorced parent won't let their child keep any gifts from their other parent.

I can understand if one parent buys something in particular for the girls to play with while they're at the house so that they have something to do, particularly if they've complained about being bored when they come to visit. But generally when you get a child "a gift", why wouldn't you let it be theirs to do with as they like.

Am I spoiling my daughter by thinking that she "needs" these things or do I have a right to feel sad for her?

You do have a right to feel sad for her. It's probably not just about the toys - the toys that can't be brought to mom's and have to stay at daddy's. That sort of thing really drives the point home to a kid that their parents are separate and that they have two homes, not one, and their lives are now divided. That's a hard thing to get used to at any age. As a kid you don't know how much it is affecting you. Does your daughter "need" replacement toys to have something comparable at home A and home B? Not really. It might be a kind and possibly heart warming gesture but it can also turn into a greed fest for a kid who later decides to play their parents off each other to get more stuff.

That's something I can't really answer more definitively than that.

[jennsbaskin]

I also have this problem. My daughter is 6 and her dad will buy her stuff and she is not aloud to bring it to my house. I have her throughout the week and he has her on weekends. I do buy her the same type of things when I can afford it so she can have them at both houses and not feel so sad. Sometimes I have asked her father if sh could bring it to my place and I promise to bring it back. maybe discuss this with him. Good luck.

[internetsurf2009]

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