[bigham]

Hopefully someone can help me out here. My girlfriend constantly complains about her one son never listening, throwing temper tantrums, hitting and all around being a hard kid to be around. I recently met him and noticed that every time he acts this way, she starts to walk on egg shells to avoid a bigger problem. We had to leave the playground yesterday because he was breaking all the rules and pushing his sister, then on the way home she bought him a candy bar. I wanted to freak out. (keep in mind, I have 1 child of my own), then we went home and he started throwing things so she sent him to his room and told him not to get off his bed till we left, which was going to be in 15 minutes and he walked out and sat on the couch to watch TV. She never said a word. He totally walks ALL over her and throws fits to get his way. I have tried talking to her about it and she seems to think I am personally attacking her as a parent. They are not my kids and it is not my place to discipline them, but she is failing miserably and the longer it goes on the worse it gets. She is running out of energy to deal with it. How can I help her understand what she needs to do with out it casuing a fight between us. I cant even express in words how bad it is sometimes, the best one was when he said he hated her cause she would not let him go to his baseball game in just his underwear!!!!! He is 7 years old!!!!!!!!!

[allybama]

Oh kids are fun....especially other people's!!!

. Tough situation though...maybe you could watch Supernanny or Nanny 911 with her. Or perhaps you could model the behaviour you'd like to see from her...for instance let the child know that whatever behaviour is not acceptable and give him options for what you'd like to see. (IE: "John, it is not acceptable that we tell people we hate them in our family. If you are angry with your mom it is okay for you to take a few minutes to yourself or go into your room and scream to let your anger out, but it really hurts your mom's feelings when you tell her you hate her and I can't allow you to hurt your mom's feelings.")

You could also sit down with her and non-confrontationally talk to her about it. Make it about how you're concerned for her and for the child, because if he continues to act this way, his life is going to be VERY VERY hard.

[bigham]

I have tried talking to her and she typically shuts down. She seems to believe I am criticizing her more than trying to help out with the situation. I also never get involved at the time of the situation, I thought it would be better to approach it with a "next time we have to deal with this, lets try something different" type of attitude. She usually can see it after the fact but when the situation comes up again she forgets the whole "game plan". I watch the kids while she plays softball sometimes, and recently they misbehaved and I had to discipline them and gave them options and conciquences if they did not listen. They were the best kids ever after that, but she seems to think it was because it was me doing it not what I did. I know it sounds RUDE but what I really want to do is video the whole thing so she can sit back and watch it later. I dont think she is grasping whats really going on. I love her to death and I hate to see her go through this all the time. I also think she is embarressed by the whole thing and doesn't want me to see her fail at it. She forgets I have a kid also and I already know nobody is perfect.

[mollymae]

How about tackling it from the positives. For instant when she does start off doing the right thing compliment her tell her she doing great and your proud of her! She probably backs down because she feels overwhelmed and feels its not working. Try not to criticize her parenting its not nice being told your being weak and doing it all wrong. Give her the strength and the confidence she needs, so that she can deal with him.

[bigham]

I will try to do that more. I think the team work thing really works when it comes to kids.
I never thought I would say this but I hope it gets worked out soon. I sometimes avoid all of our kids (her 2 and my 1) getting together cause I dont want mine to think acting like that is appropriate. Since this one is the oldest of all 3, do you think having a conversation asking him to set good examples for the younger kids would work. Maybe he would feel part of the team and have some sort of satisfaction by us asking for his help.

[JeanLynn81]

Oh my, this child has been getting his way for 7 years. That is not going to be easy to reverse! She definately has problems with being consistent. How about explaining to her, that you understand why she wants to avoid the issue. She probably just thinks its easier to give in..because then the tantrum ends. But how long before the next one? And the one after that? How many is she willing to put up with? It would be easier to get the hard part over, then have a more well-behaved kid in the long run. I couldn't take just five minutes of peace in between outbursts...Something would have to give!

[Alejandros Mommy]

I have a 7yr old from a previous relationship...when he was much much younger I met my now Husband....I found that I out him in a very hard place when I let him discipline Alejandro. It was not up to him and we had a talk about this...I didn't even realize that I did this. You really need to talk to your GF. If she wants to continue a realtionship with you she should "get her act" together and start diciplining her 7yr old. You should not feel that you have to fix this problem for her...after all she is your girl friend not your wife. (sorry if I sound harsh)

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Is this a serious, long term relationship that you plan with the girlfriend and her family?

If you are in for the long haul, yes you and the girlfriend need to sit down and have a chat.

She is not doing her son any favors by allowing him to 'make the rules.' It is up to the parent to make the rules and consistently enforce them. That includes positive rewards for good/appropriate behavior.

If he is acting this way at age 7........just wait until he is 14 and out of control.

Let us know how things go for you.

[MissyChrissy]

She needs parenting classes. She needs to be firm and consistent. I can see where he's getting away with stuff...but I don't know if there's an easy answer for you. She's probably being this way because it's easier, or she feels sorry for her kids 'cause dad isn't in the picture full time any more...whatever her reasons, she's not doing her son any favors. He's going to go through life expecting to get away with stuff...and end up in jail.

If you've tried talking to her, then do it again. Tell her you want to help her come up with a plan. If it is a long-haul thing, and you're going to be getting married, then perhaps you could step in as a disciplinarian. I hate to suggest that-typically I think stepparents need to butt out of those situations, but obviously, if she's not going to discipline him, someone has to.

Good luck & keep us posted.

[mollymae]

Bigham I have merged the 2 the identical posts you made into one thread so theres no confusion.