[tmwhalens]

I found this site through an article here about God's timing. I responded to the article, but before I could do so I had to register for this site.

The reason I am creating this thread is that I do so with the hope that others who have experienced having loved ones taken away (not by death, but as consequence) by God, might come to an understanding that God tries to warn sinners of the negative effects their actions are having on those that they love dearly. When we sinners have not 'listened' or 'seen' his warnings, he puts big neon lights around his warnings and says "If you do not stop now, this shop will close". By "shop" I mean the affected relationship. That could be your spouse or your child. It could even be a friend or an employer, or even your health. For me it was the first two shops that closed.

God had been trying to tell me that the direction I was going in my life was not one that my wife and son would be continuing with me in. One day I got home from work and a note was on the kitchen counter, my wife saying that she had taken our son somewhere safe. We were having problems with our heat and hot water, and I was sitting at home (just before I'd gotten that job) consumed by my own miseries and with the process of changing myself into something completely alien to my wife and son (transitioning from male to female with hormones). I should have been out trying to find a job.

Instead I thought that all of my problems were because employers didn't understand me. They weren't hiring. They were too far away from where we lived. We only had one vehicle. I wasn't really a man. (yes, it's amazing the lengths sinners will go to justify their failures in life). The excuses go on and on and on.

The reality was that my wife and son had left me. There was no longer the sound of the chickens running from the coop to meet me when I got home from work. My son wasn't peeking out the kitchen window, leaving handprints and slobber all over the glass, as I was pulling up the driveway in my truck. The silence when I walked into my house was deafening. I 'knew' right then and there that my life had changed forever. It HAD to change.

It was after a brief panic of yelling for my wife and son, and checking the telephone to find that all telephone numbers and caller ID's had been erased from the phone, that I 'knew'. It was time to give it all up. My act wasn't working. My efforts to conquer all my internal demons and grudges and resentments of the past were all for not. That was the moment that I threw my hands up to the Lord and basically said that it was His turn to do something with me. That I had proven (twice before) that getting touched by the Holy Spirit isn't enough. That calling yourself a Christian doesn't even fool yourself.

There had to be something more. That is when God spoke to me and said that he had been trying to get me to go to church. This is big stuff, so listen up! My wife had been urging me to go to church with my son, even if she wasn't there (she worked weekends as a nurse). I always dismissed the idea of going to church by saying that we should all go to church. Somehow I had gotten the idea that the whole family must go to church. It never occured to me that the Holy Spirit works in YOU; not partly in you and partly in your son or wife. He is completely there for YOU, ME and everyone else. He is everywhere.

At least a couple of times a week I write to my wife and let her know how much I love her and my son (I know she reads my emails or someone in her family does), and how things are going in my life. I hold out hope that she might forgive me and want to be a part of my life again some day. I pray that the Lord might show her that I am not the same man she left, and that I am a better man than the one she married. I AM on both of those accounts. And, the only way I know that is that I have been living my life for the Lord since 12/04/08 and have begun to see His word through His eyes, that when I interact with the world now I am interacting through Him.

I am completely amazed by how God has changed my life. Everyday I wake up with a calmness I didn't have before I gave into Him. I make my bed. I hang my clothes up when they're not being worn. I do the dishes BEFORE the sink gets anywhere near to being full. I keep trash our of the truck. The list goes on and on and on. I do these things gladly, out of appreciation for the second lease on life that the Lord has given me. They aren't 'chores' anymore, they are part of 'being a man'. I suppose some might say that I should be ashamed of myself, that I should be depressed and that I should hope like hell that she won't try and get full custody of our son or that I better not hope she files divorce before I do (I'm in Kentucky, she's in Massachusetts), but I don't feel any of those things. I have learned, finally, that the person that my wife left no longer exists.

I know that my love for my wife and son will never die, whether they are with me or not, and that the Lord will take care of these things. All I need to do is stay close to Him, work everyday for Him, and 'listen' to what he has to say about my life.

Everything will work out in the end, I have total faith in Him.

[mcmama]

Wow, you have given us quite a bit to think about. And I am glad you have given your life to the Lord. I don't think you should feel shame - I think you are grieving many losses.

One thing that straight spouses of gay bi and trans people find is that they lose who they are with the involvement of whatever the GLBT persons issues are. With spouses of trans, the loss of identity and relationship trust is enormous. So when your wife left you - it was out of desperation that she needed to be a normal functional female mother and human being. She cannot continue to be mated for life with someone who started out male, then was transitioning to female, and now is not sure that was a good idea (sounds like you want to stop the process now). And really, it is difficult to reconcile with someone who could even consider such a thing. The trust issues are huge.

In my support group, I have encountered spouses of GLBT people who deal with husbands and wives who suddenly decide oops, no, that's not me after all honey, I'm good now, come back. Sometimes they do, but often not for long. Life is much better when you are free of a spouses drama, and only have to focus on your own - and straight spouses of GLBT people often have to deal with quite a bit of drama once the sexuality is disclosed or discovered.

Please understand that if you are stopping your transition, it may not get your wife and son back. Being a Christian, giving your life to Christ may not get your wife back. All you can do is move forward with rebuilding whatever relationship is possible with them.

I strongly encourage your wife to get in touch with the straight spouse network (www.straightspouse.org). This is a nonsectarian support group for the straight spouse, and there are wives of transsexuals and transvestites among those who attend the support groups either in person or online. Whether this does you any good, I can guarantee you it will help your wife because she will know she is not alone in her feelings and can talk to someone who really understands. It's a non profit, and outreach is free. Everything is confidential, and there is an emphasis on building bridges and having the best possible communication going forward. Just about every wife of a transsexual or transvestite that I have known leaves the marriage. There is a forum on the website which is public, and that may be of some benefit to you for advice how to remain connected to your son. The online support for straight spouses is not public, it is confidential.

As the straight ex wife of a very closeted gay man, I found this group to be a lifesaver. No one wanted to listen to me and I really needed to talk out the experience, which was ongoing.

If you let her know about the resource of a support group for her, she may well appreciate it, because it shows that you are focusing on her and her wellbeing, not on who you are, but on who she is and what she needs - no matter the outcome for you.

I'm praying for all of you.

[tmwhalens]

The day she left and I gave my life C O M P L E T E L Y to the Lord was the day I realized that change must take place from within if you are to find peace and genuine love for yourself and the world. Before I gave into the Lord I believed that many of my problems in life were BECAUSE I was deep down something other than a man, and that I might desire something other than a woman.

And, now? While I know that I am somewhat effeminate by nature and somewhat attracted to men, I can function perfectly well without acting out on those two things. I also know that being curious about something doesn't mean that you have to trample over your own feet (and those you love) to learn about it. Or, rather, there is a time and place for everything.

Thanks so much for the link to that site. I will email the link to her. I think it should be made clear to everyone that turning your life over to the Lord should be done unconditionally. Ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent doesn't cut it. I have learned that the hard way (thank you Lord!)

[AussieD]

tmwhalens you might be interested in a blog which was prompted by your post
http://marriage.families.com/blog/a-...y-changed-life It tells how God was at work changing lives