[ozgirl]

hi everyone! i am new to this forum and i need some words of advice from anyone who may be in a similar situation. I will try to make this as simple as possible...

I have been married to my husband for 9 years, together for 10. We have two children aged 8 & 5. I got married when i was 25. My husband is a good man. he is a hard worker, he does everything for me and the kids and he is honest, genuine and very loving. He absolutely adores me and loves our family life so much. There is nothing he wont do for me. Over the last few years we have become quite financial and our future is set. We are 3/4 of the way through building our dream home which is absolutely gorgeous and its on a 90 acre property. We can afford to go on holidays and spend money on the kids and basically just have fun.

Now my trouble is that our sexual relationship is terrible and has been for a number of years. I have been slowly losing desire for him over the years and now it has come to a complete halt. I cannot have sex with this man, it nearly repulses me and i freeze up like a block of ice. i cant bare him to touch me or kiss me. I grit my teeth during sex and i cannot wait until its over with.

I have tried over the years to spice up our sexual relationship.. i did everything, lapdances, lingerie, dirty weekends away, sexy photos for him, etc etc. i never got anything in return, nothing romantic, nothing sweet, just a "how bout it" before bed. Now i am at the point where i have literally given up and i have lost every bit of desire that i have ever had for him. I dont even want him to be romantic now, if he did it would mean nothing to me and it would not rekindle my desire for him in any way. he has tried recently to be a bit more romantic but its too late now, i am over it.

I am completely out of love with this man, its not just the sex, there are other reasons as well. I have grown apart from him as a lover and i only see him as a best friend who is my husband, a father and a good provider. I love him in a family way but not as a lover. that part is finished. i feel it in my bones and in my heart. It is gone and it is not going to come back.

as a result i have been talking about a separation. we have gone through this 3 times but have only talked about it and not actually gone through with the separation. the effect of just talking about a separation is enough to send him into the deep end and he is so upset that he cries and just asks "why, why, why". The guilt that i feel when he is like this is so overwhelming that it causes me to take two steps back and retract everything. I suddenly cant go through with it because i feel like the worst person in the world who is ruining her husbands life forever. so things go back to normal for a few weeks and then i get unhappy again and we are back where we started.

I am desperate to fix this situation. i have an appointment with a marriage councellor next week to see if my marriage can be salvaged. The thing is that i dont know if i want it to be salvaged. I crave my freedom so badly and i feel like i have grown apart from my husband. i am ready to explore life without him.

However, what scares me is our financial set up. as i said, we are doing really well and i am scared to change that for everyone's sake. I want my husband to have a good life and have all the toys he has been wanting. I want my kids to have everything they need. and i want to be financial for myself as well. If i leave it will set both my husband and i back. One of us will have to move out of our house and that is very confusing as well because my husband basically built this house himself and i cant kick him out of it. But then again if i moved out i am the one who will have to look after the kids and i cant take them away from a house that has plenty of room for them to run outside. i would have to move them to town and i dont want that kind of life for them.

OK so my bottom line is that i am wanting out but i am sh*t scared. so so scared. Am i crazy to want out when i have everything? a husband who loves and adores me and who will do anything for me and his kids? financial security? a great house? and a good family life? I dont love him anymore. its as simple as that. is that enough grounds to leave someone??

Im sorry if what i am writing is confusing but i would appreciate advice from anyone!!!

ozgirl