[Possibility_girl]

i posted here ab out a month ago that my husband had an affair. we had long deep talks and I made the decision to stay, we have 2 children and i do love him. it has been up and down. mostley in my head. over the past few weeks. i have been thinking, although trying not to, about the past year and have been realizing that alot of what he was saying, was a lie, that he was with this woman. last christmas i saw him in nice underwear and he said he got me something too, but that never materialized, there was alot of unnacounted for time. Alot of this is popping into my head and driving me crazy, i dont feel i can trust him anymore, even though i want to. i keep thinking " oh no, when he said that, he was with her" i am a stay at home mom and so some work out of my house so keeping busy and keeping my mind occupied so i dont think of it is not that easy. I dont look at him the same anymore. its like there is a film there. when he is home at night, its all good, because he is with me, we snuggle and it seems fine. but im just finding it hard to move past the thoughts of what he did. i had gone to a councelor right after it all blew up and she said that sometimes, couples survive the affair but not the loss of trust. i wonder if over time it will fade and i can stop thinking about it and move past

thanks for listening and would like to hear from anyone else who made it past

thanks

[Chipwag64]

Possibility_Girl,
Unfortunately this will take some time and memories will come and go.
I am about a month and a half removed from my spouses affair and although she has changed a lot, I just wonder how long it will last. I found a letter a few weeks ago that she wrote to a friend saying that she "had to be a good girl regardless of where her heart is" and she conveniently explained that one away, I didn't buy it.
She also has a long history of lying having filled our marriage with endless unfulfilled promises which she is now doing again.Every once in awhile I think about what she did at a time when I was giving my best, trying so hard to love her and be there for her, but the lying hurt the most by far.
Yes, the cheater always has the advantage for now, they know how they feel about you and the other lover, we don't.They know if they will have an affair again, we don't. They know if what they say about where they have been is the truth, we don't; etc.
It's hard to get the trust back, it really is. It's hard to put away the doubts when you want to believe them 100%. All we can do is give them time to get over their feelings for the other lover and wait patiently while doing our best to be the forgiving spouse. Could it be worse? Yes, our spouses could have left, or we could have left. Most of the time I look at my wife as I have before the affair, but lately I too have a film, as you put it, and am battling the feelings of losing interest in her because she doesn't take care of herself physically, the other night she went shopping and brought home so much garbage junk food, my heart just sank!!, it really is a turn off imagining her sitting at the computer most of the day eating garbage and flirting with other men; but what can you do???
The affair doesn't hurt to think about anymore, but we are all different and may have different timetables for healing. Sounds like your doing the right thing trying to keep your mind occupied. Try to focus on his good points and the good things that you remember about him and if you know God, pray, that's about all I have to get me through sometimes, especially when you get your hopes up when they say that they will do something and your hopes are dashed and it just brings the past all back again.
Thankfulness is a key also, always be thankful for every little thing that they do right and good and be thankful that they are still with you. You haven't mentioned your husbands views on the affair; does he show regret? does he try to justify what he did? has he said that it's over with the other woman?

[Possibility_girl]

Chip, thank you so much for what you have wrote. yes, after it blew up we talked many times in depth, he said it was over, he said he didnt love her and he loves me, he is sorry for what he did. i do love him and thats why i forgave him and couldnt leave. yes, it is very painfull to think of all of the times he lied. but when i hear his voice i feel so good. he has changes, he is snuggly agian and loving again. he thanks me for calling him during the day to hear his voice. i know these are the things that will help me move past. he explained why he did what he did and he knows it was wrong.

i am feeling better today and i am taking it one day at a time

thanks again Chip

[LoriSam7879]

I can totally relate, having been cheated on by an ex husband. You want to try to make it work because you love him so much, plus with the children involved. Just because he did something wrong, doesn't mean you can turn the love off like a switch...
But there comes a time when you just lose so much trust, it may not be able to get it back. Have you told him how you're feeling? Don't hold anything back. Yes, he's with you, but he needs to realize the severe damage he did to you and your relationship; Don't tip toe around it. I think he needs to know your feelings, honestly. He may not like to hear it but he certainly cannot blame you for feeling that way. If he wants this to work, he needs to work his bum off in earning your trust back, in whatever ways possible. What's that saying...it takes 100 positive things to make up for the 1 negative thing? something like that... but its true. He really has a lot of work to do. He can't expect to hop back into the marriage as if nothing happened.
Best of luck,

[Possibility_girl]

thanks lori,
i do love him but its hard. i just dont trust him. he is comming right home, and showing he loves me. i havent told him how i feel though. mostley because after it happened, we did do alot of good talking, the trust issue came up but at the time i felt that , now i know what happened, ( not to justify) but that i was busy rasing kids and got a little frumpy, and he never really pushed the issue that he needed more from me. so i felt that , now i see what was going on, i am dressing better, putting makeup on, etc, i figured i would trust him, if we gave each other what we needed.

but thats not the case. even though i am dressing better, the whole 9, i still dont trust him, and i have to admit that if i tell him, he will leave. i dont want to loose him but i dont want to live like this either. Im really torn

thanks
Lisa

[Chipwag64]

Lisa,
It is good to hear that your husband is remorseful and trying to work things out.
everything that you posted sounds exactly like what my wife has done, but yet I still could tell that she wasn't over him yet, although she SWORE she was itently.
Well, two days ago she was really depressed and I thought she was missing him.
Sure enough, yesterday I found evidence that she still loves him and wants him bad.
Although I had strong suspicions all along, yesterday she showed major signs to confirm my suspicions even before I found the evidence.
You know, the worst part is not the affair and continued feelings for him, it's the lies and coverups and pretending that she loves me that hurts the most BY FAR.
Please be careful and make sure if possible that it's really over before you trust again.
Harry

[Possibility_girl]

chip, would you mind sharing the signs that she wasnt over him?

i did talk to him and tell him i am having a hard time. he understood, he has always been easy to talk to and always willing to listen, i do feel much better. he has changed, he has been more loving more giving of himself to me where before he was obviously distant, we went away for the day with out the kids on saturday and had an awsome time, and had a great day with the kids on sunday. he said he loves me and the family, and said its over and he never loved her to begin with. My thoughts are, i know this was a horrible thing to do but the rest of our relationship is great and we are working on moving forward. I do realize that no matter what i need to tell him what i am feeling. it gave him an understanding of what i was going through as a result of what he did. and it got alot off my chest.

[Chipwag64]

Lisa,
It seems that things are more complicated here.
I found 5 different people that she has talked to since the affair where she says that she is miserable and her heart aches for him and that he is all she wants, no one else.
When I confronted her about this, she stated that she has a problem of trying to be who other people want her to be and that she needs help.
She says that when she is around me she feels comfortable and she is truthful, but when she is around her friends she puts on a front of being someone else.
She is going to a therapist tomorrow to talk about this.
So...at this point I will give her the benefit of the doubt. She says that I am the only one she wants and shows wonderful signs and she has changed a lot for the better.
I told her that I am her husband and will be there to help her through, but I will not set myself up to be played again.I guess time will tell.
I wish you continued progress with your husband!!
Harry

[Possibility_girl]

Hi Chip, yes it does sound more complicated, i do applaud you for staying with her while she works it out. im sure it is very difficult to have found she is still talking to others and she aches for him. But then she states you are all she wants. it is good that she is seeking therapy. mabey she can work through this. I do agree with you that you should be careful. If he said she is all he wants , i would have left him, but the wrench in the set is that she want you. if he then said that im not sure what i would do. the best thing is to be truthfull to yourself about what you want for your life.

[Possibility_girl]

i am still havinup and down days, about trusting him. I belive its me though, because he is being loving, and there is no more unnacounted for time, he is being great. but regainning the trust is difficult. i wonder if he is chatting with her or another, is she still going to the gym with him, etc. when i was seiing a councellor shesaid many couples can get past an affir but its the trust that sill breaks it. its only been 2 months since the whole thing exploded,