Heading for Divorce...
I apologize in advance if this is a long post but want to try to be as thorough as possible. My wife and I are heading for divorce. First some quick background info. This is a first marriage for the both of us. We married Catholic. We have a 9 month old son. Been married almost 4 years now. I'm 37 and she's 35.
We met. Fell in love. It seems that as soon as we got married everything changed. I am a hopeless romantic. As time has gone on it seems my wife has systematically stripped away all of my passions. I've tried to stand my ground but it just causes arguements. When I met her I had aspirations of becoming a successful business man. Was in business with some workaholics and being a single guy, the long hours, etc were no big deal to me. I've also played music my whole life. Play guitar and sing. Was in a band with some great friends of mine for about 7 years. Nothing serious, mostly basement stuff, no aspirations to become rockstars, all businessmen who love to play music. I also like to play video games (what guy doesn't). Met my wife and everything was great until we said our vows.
My wife is a socialite. She has more guy friends than girlfriends. I knew that upfront. She likes to get together with the guys and go drinking. I did this for awhile but 2 reasons slowed me down. One, I'm not a big drinker. Was for awhile, I enjoyed the party scene but am over it. She's not. I also was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis (digestive disorder) a couple of years ago and drinking is a bad thing and can cause flare ups which can land one in the hospital, among other things. It started with the video games. I admit that I was on the computer more than I should have been but, guys being guys, I assumed that all would stay the same when we took our vows. I was wrong. She hated me playing on the computer. I tried to get her to play some games with me but she's not into it and so I didn't push. That didn't stop her from wanting me to quit entirely. I had an everyday habit and ultimately, because of her prodding, step by step took it down to once a week. Now I only play when she goes to bed so I don't have to deal with her making it as difficult as possible for me to enjoy what I'm doing. Even playing when she's sleeping makes her angry. Initially she wanted me to come to bed with her every night. She hides behind the notion that she wants us to go to sleep together - I feel it is because that way she knows I'm not playing video games. She wins! Fast forward to today and more often than not she goes and sleeps on the couch anyway - says it's because I snore (all of a sudden after never snoring my whole life). I even bought breathe right strips to control snoring and of course she still ends up on the couch. Guess its not my snoring after all.
Then it was my job. Taking time away from us. Eventually it led me to quit after being with these guys for 15 years. Trying to make her happy and have a happy family life. That being said I got a new job in sales, stayed for a year but wasn't happy, it didn't fulfill me at all, but the pay was great and so when I quit she got extremely angry with me. Hopped to another company in a sales management capacity and stayed there for 3 months - hated it. Now, I'm with an established privately owned company, the owners are very nice, no pressure, I work in business to business sales. It's ok. Not what I had in mind but it's a paycheck and I like the people I work for/with. About a $25,000.00 per year pay cut but potential to increase. So far she hasn't had any complaints other than I need to make more money - and if I have to find another job that pays more than that would make her happy. Supposedly.
We argue constantly about finances (though she doesn't want to admit that her $1,000.00 a month in student loans is a big factor in that). We've tightened the budget as much as we can while still being able to keep her in the lifestyle that she's accustomed to. Argue about her constantly drinking. Typically a bottle of wine a night. A trip to store for cigarettes ( the store is only 3 minutes away), turns into her being gone for an hour - small pitstop to the local bar. I would estimate that her drinking habit costs us at least $300.00 per month. She's probably either borderline or a full on alcoholic but not in her mind. Just a social person.
We have discussed divorce on many occasions. We tried counseling - which was like pulling teeth to even get her to go. She has a bachelors in social work. In her words she has taken all of the psych classes and already knows what the counselor with say. Waste of her time. Finally I convinced her to go. We went one time. I don't think it helped much. I went alone but didn't really relate to that particular counselor so stopped. Pretty much thought our marriage would work itself out or die on the vine. I think we had pretty much decided to call it quits when....
Yep, she's pregnant. It was unplanned. She wasn't very happy. I was. I thought it was a sign that we should stay together. I have no regrets. He's beautiful. I love my son. I think she does for the most part but it feels more mechanical. Like she's resistant to being a mom. She's more than happy to put the majority of the responsibity on me. This also was the end of my band. In her words, I needed to quit the band because of my responsibities to my new child and the family. I agreed. I wanted to share in the responsibilities and thought that being in a band wasn't conducive to a new baby in the house. So I quit.
One day I realized that I'm just not passionate about anything anymore, except for my son - which is a great thing. But I miss the things that I loved doing. Hence why I still try to play on the computer now and then. I tried to get back into martial arts but it's been tough, my heart isn't in it - or maybe it is, I just can't seem to motivate myself to do it. Now that my son is 9 months old and sleeping through the night, I thought it'd be fun to try to start playing music again. That conversation with my wife didn't go so well. I stood my ground and started playing but tried to at least meet her halfway and would only allow myself to play 1-2 times a week and not in a full band. Just acoustically - means I get home earlier. This particular project didn't completely jazz me but it was fun. I only did it for 2 months. Now my old band, who I love to play with, wants me to come back. I want to but because my wife hates the idea of me playing music I'm contemplating just practicing with them - no playing out - and hiding behind the "guys night out" excuse - she's none the wiser and I don't have to listen to her gripe at me.
I used to be a gentleman with her. I would always open the car door for her. One day she looked at me and stated that I don't always have to open the door for her. I was raised old fashioned and I've got to say that I never expected a woman to tell me to not open the door for them anymore, or at least tone it down a bit. I used to enjoy cooking dinner for us but she says that I take too much time deciding on a menu, preparing and cooking and it drives her crazy. I don't cook that much anymore. I used to send her flowers. "Stop spending money" she said. I would come up with elaborate, romantic surprises - she stopped enjoying those too.
I've already stated that I don't drink that much. I don't abuse her - I would sooner die than hit a woman. I've never and will never cheat on her. But since more and more of my passion is gone I find that simple things that need to be done around the house I just don't have the energy to do. But, I'll end up having to at some point because she only does dishes, on occasion. She won't clean very often (once a month in one room I feel is being kind). Doesn't do laundry. Rarely cooks and doesn't enjoy cooking. Sits on the darn couch and watches reruns of Friends, Seinfeld, Everybody loves Raymond, etc. I love movies, she either doesn't have the attention span or just doesn't care to watch movies. She's kind of a lazy pig. That sounded harsh but I don't know another example. She's a beautiful woman and if we divorced it wouldn't be hard for her to find another man.
I don't know what to do. I feel all of my options are exhausted (as am I). There's no talking to her. No matter what the issue is, she is very good at taking a subject full circle and making me the major problem of any issue that we have. She doesn't take well to constructive criticism. Ultimately, if she feels backed into a corner she'll just walk out of the room. She constantly tells me that we're not right for each other. I am always to blame. Anymore, I feel the only reason that I'm holding on is #1 because of our son, and #2 I think it would bankrupt us to divorce, at least I know that she wouldn't be able to financially support herself very well with those student loans over her head. I would end up working 3 jobs to support myself and be able to give her child support/alimony and #3 because I really don't want a divorce, I made a commitment and for better or for worse planned on staying married forever. But more and more I am feeling like this decision is out of my hands.
Anyone out there have any suggestions or is this just doomed to failure. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.
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OMG!! 
Due May 22, 2010
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