[adri92683]

Hello, I am so glad I found this forum... I am hoping that maybe through sharing with other Moms who lost their babies, we all can heal together...

My boyfriend and I had been expecting our first baby, a girl that we named Sophia. My whole pregnancy had been a rough one, I had been diagnosed with diabetes, had some blood pressure issues, as well as platlets issues throughout the whole 9 months, and even though my baby was quite a large one, everything was going ok when it came to her. She was such an active baby, kicking and squirming all the time in there, stretching me out as much as she could, her heart seemed to be working just fine, she hated ultrasounds though, always shying away when the drs wanted to look at her. I remember one incident when the dr had sent me to the hospital to look at her fluid levels that when the tech tried to look at the flow of her cord, she reached up, grabbed it and turned around. My little girl had attitude.

So it seemed strange to me when I wasnt feeling her move as much as normal. Granted, she had her moments before where she wouldnt move for an hour or so and I would get worried and right when I was about to pick up the phone and call the dr, she would kick me a couple times and let me know she was ok. But this time something was wrong, I felt it, but I figured the dr would say that it was because she was so big that she was just running out of room so I waited because I had a drs appointment that morning. Now looking back, I wish I would have just called, why didnt I? Why did I let my stupid brain talk me out of what I was feeling? But, I waited and I went the next morning and told the lady at the front why I was there an hour earlier than I was supposed to be. They ended up making me wait anyway, then they took me back to the ultrasound machine and looked at her and I held my breath. But she had a heartbeat, she was breathing but she wasnt moving so she called the dr in and she told me to go to the hospital. So I went and grabbed my boyfriend and we went. We knew the routine, get undressed, pee in the cup and the nurse would be with you. Since it was so early Justin decided to go get a bite to eat since I had got him out of bed and came right to the hospital. He left and I waited for the nurse and she came in. She tried to find Sophias heartbeat with the monitor first, but couldnt so she went and grabbed the ultrasound machine since both the dr and I had told her there was a hearbeat at the drs office. She looked and then said she was gonna get someone who knew how to use the machine better. She got the tech, he introduced himself and looked. He concentrated and then asked me to lay back more. He looked.... then he called another dr in and by this time I knew something was up so I was trying to look at the screen but the dr had me lay back further and after a minute he said the words that I have forever ringing in my ears. "Theres something wrong with the baby, we cant find a heartbeat."

I asked him what, I started to cry and I asked him if he was sure, I asked him to look again and the next minutes were a blur... I couldnt understand, she was FINE just an hour prior! I dont understand still... I dont remember them wheeling me into another room but they did and they asked me what Justins name was so they could page him, I told them and just cried and cried... I couldnt understand, I couldnt believe, there was no way! Justin came in and I tried to tell him but I couldnt say it aloud to him and so the nurse told him and he asked her if they were sure and he just sat down. What he did next I dont know, I just remember turning to the wall and sobbing and sobbing and sobbing... my baby, my daughter was gone and I didnt know what to do. Why had this happened? What did I do? What did I do to deserve this? Was I being punished for the sins of my past? Why me? Why MY daughter?! WHY?! WHY?! WHY!?

The next couple hours were a blur of a horrible phone call to my Mom in California (we are in FL), the nurses telling my in-laws who had arrived at the hospital shortly after we did. People arriving, my dr telling me what the next steps were, but all I could think of was my angel. Why had she been taken from me? Did she suffer? What happened? Were they SURE? They finally wheeled me in the back to take her via c-section.

Sophia Alexis was born at 6:14 in the evening weighing 11 pounds and 7 ounces. Big girl... they cleaned her up and dressed her and brought her to me after I was wheeled out of surgery. She was absolutley beautiful... and even though I cried over her, I marveled at just how beautiful she was, how she looked so much like me with her head full of black hair with blonde highlights (she must have heard the fights over her hair color) and her chubby cheeks and hands that were identical to mine but lips like her Daddys. She was breathtaking....

We held a viewing service for her a couple days later after I was released from the hospital and everyone important to me showed up. She looked so peaceful but in my heart I was crushed. I dont understand why my beautiful daughter was taken from me. What did I do wrong? That was all I could ask myself over and over again. I wasnt supposed to be crying tears of sorrow, I was supposed to be crying tears of joy! Why has God done this to me? I dont think I will ever know...But what I do know is that Sophia would have wanted me to be happy, she wants me to think of her and not cry... I know this in my head and heart but my heart is not ready to listen yet. But like I said, I feel its what Sophia would want....so here I am. I am writing and hopefully healing at the same time.

[poliscmjr]

I'm so sorry for your loss....we are all here for you.

[floresazules]

Im sorry for your loss, your angel is in heaven now. ... we are here to suport you and we will praid for you.

[angelstarsmum]

Oh hun im so sorry for your loss{{{HUGS}}} my heart goes out to you and your dh, we are all here for you whenever you need us.x

[MiaCamille]

so so sorry....

[QueenAngie]

So sorry for your loss!

Sending you hugs and a big mug of hot tea!

Prayers for you and BF.

Some things in life we do not understand. You did nothing wrong.

[DK615617]

I am so terribly sorry that you lost your beautiful baby.
I will pray for you and your bf. There is no good expanation for what happened. I am so so sorry.
I cried when I read your story, and I don't cry. I can't even begin to imagine your pain.
If you need to talk we are all hear for you.
You have a beautiful angel in heaven watching over you. And you are right, she would want you to be happy, and in time, someday you will be again. You need time to grieve.
Hang in there. We are here if you need us.
Hugs to you.

[mlcassid]

I am so sorry for your loss and for this trial you are going through. You have done nothing wrong. There is no way to understand this. We will pray for you and I am sending many hugs to you through the computer! She is an angel and will always be with you. Again, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Vent here any time and we will listen and try to help however we can.

[For little Elza]

My heart goes out to you. I also suffered a child loss at full-term. How sad! Your little mama should have made it here and it just isn't fair!

Don't beat yourself up. I used to think that God had punished me too. I thought that it was because I did something wrong or didn't appreciate a past pregnancy that turned into a separate loss... I thought I could have done something to avoid it. I beat myself up for 6 months thinking I gave Elza some kind of disease or something. Finally, my doctor told me that it wasn't anything that I could have done, it was a cord problem that probably waited to present itself until the very end. It was not my fault. But even then, and up until now, I agonize about one thing that you do too... I feel like I should have gone to the doctor when I first thought something was wrong... 3 days before Elza was pronounced dead.

My heart goes out to you because I know the heartbreak of carrying a child for 9 months only to deliver and go home without her in your arms.

This is weird, but true. I am named after a stillborn baby. Her name was Lisalynn (I am Lynne), and like your baby, she was very big. My aunt wanted to have her and was in the hospital trying to get them to deliver her, knowing something wasn't right. But the hospital sent her home. That night, Lisalynn's cord went behind her neck. She died and was delivered the next day. All my aunt was told is that she was a girl and she had curly black hair. Back in those days, they didn't let the mothers see them. No pictures, no services, just paid for a small cemetery plot and left her there. She went home to the baby's room packed up (the hospital told my uncle to do that) and she cried saying, "Where are all of her things? This was her room. Where are all of her things?"

Anyway, I was named after her when my twin and I were born. Then, ironically, my uncle (the father of Lisalynn) passed away right before I found out I was pregnant with Elza. I planned, boy or girl, to name the baby Elza. Then, Elza also was born stillborn. My life has gone full circle.

I wish I could tell you the pain will go away soon, but it will probably not. My pain came in waves that rushed over me. It took a lot to go on after that, but please do not give up, it does get better with time. One thing that my friend sent me once said, "If you want to know the true value of 9 months, ask the mother of a stillborn child."

Take care. I have been praying and thinking of you since yesterday. With love, Lynne

[KR258]

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my little boy at 21 weeks. Today it's been 1 year and 1 day since he was born. He was born alive but died an hour later. The pain does come in waves. There are times when I think I am better and everything feels normal again and then out of nowhere it hurts like the day he died. The waves do come slower with more space between but when it hurts it hurts bad. I know our little ones just want us to be happy. If you ever need to talk you can pm me.