[wolftte702]

If anyone out there has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated!

I am currently married to my second husband. I had four children from my first marriage. He had never been married nor had any children of his own. He and my children had a wonderful relationship....before the wedding. After we were married he changed. He said his new role as "parent" required him to. I was very open and honest with him during our courtship about myself(the way I parent, spend time and money and keep house) There should have been no surprises-on his part. But boy was I surprised! He expected almost everything to change. The rules, the chores, the expectations and especially the consequences.
We have been married for two and a half years now and the arguments about parenting have continued. He feels that as the man he should be the "head of the house". Now I must say we are both Christians. I know that the bible says the man should be the head of the house. My only problem with this is because he is not the biological father of these children and sometimes I don't feel that he is thinking about what it best for them. He thinks about how "he" wants things or views certain things from the viewpoint of "not doing any favors for their (bio) father" I know he would never intentionally hurt them, but I fear some of his decisions would hurt them emotionally.
He is very strict. They are now 16, 14, 11 and 8. They were pretty much used to the way I parented. Even though we have made many, many adjustments for him, he is still not satified. He still feels that he doesn't have enough control because I still hold veto power over him when it comes to the kids.
Just curious to hear what anyone has to say about my situation. If you think I'm wrong I would like to hear your explanations. Maybe that would make me understand him better.
Thanks!

[MissyChrissy]

I'm not certain I can help much because I don't really know what's going on. You say he's strict and his parenting ideals are different than yours, but you don't give specifics or list examples. I'm a strict parent too...so perhaps I'd agree with your husband.

I think it's suspect that he knew how things were before and still married you when he obviously didn't agree with the way you were doing things. To me, if I were dating someone that had children & I couldn't stand the way they raised their kids, I'd break it off with them. I just won't fight someone about how they want to raise their own children.

However, once we were married, I would definitely expect his children to listen to me. Would I make rules without their father's approval? I don't know for sure. For the most part, no...I wouldn't. But there could certainly be exceptions 'cause I have very definitive ideas about what I would or would not allow from any child.

Also, it concerns me because you say you and your kids have changed and he's still not happy. To me, that's a red flag that perhaps he has issues with control. In fact, it sounds like that really may be the case here, but it's hard for me to tell.

If you really don't like the way things are, and he's trying to tell you he's the head of the household & you will listen (that makes me shudder) then I'd just tell him, "Obviously we don't make you happy, so I'm leaving because I'm not changing anything else. This is me, take it or leave it."

[Tracey with 6]

I'm with Chrissy, although I am a christian too, I see the whole ehad of the family debate to be a wee bit demoraliseing to women. were you one your own for along time? If he thinks he can walk in and change everything I think he needs to change first.

[deedee1231]

If he is making decisions based on "not doing the bio father any favors" I would be worried about his true feelings toward the children. It kind of sounds like he resents them. If he is unhappy about being responsible for these kids, and he wants to make sure that they are unhappy about it too, frankly, I would not allow him any authority over their lives whatsoever.

[mcmama]

What role does your childrens bio father play in their lives, if any?

[wolftte702]

Thanks to all for all your words! To respond, first I would like to say that I really don't feel that my children are disrespectful or have real behavior problems. They are just typical kids. Especially the girls, they are teenagers, and all that entails: moody, mouthy, and full of attitude! But they have never been in any real trouble. They all get good grades. I've never had a bad behavior report from school, church or any of their friends parents. As far as the expectations changing, I must admit that I probably was too inconsistant, making too many exceptions to rules and responsibilities. One of the first things my husband wanted to do was get everyone on a routine. Which sounded like a great idea! But instead of gradually easing into it, he wanted it to be followed to the letter immediately! They suddenly had new chores, new "homework time" expectations, new bedtimes and of course the consequences if you failed to meet them. After school, its chores and homework first (which sounds reasonable) But don't forget about anything or it is a blatent act of defiance. And bedtime is exactly when it is, don't be one minute late. When these things happen, he's freaking out, like "What is the consequence going to be? They're just pushing it, because they know you won't do anything about it!" He gets angry and leaves or mumbles under his breath, everyone knows he's upset again. When this happens he withholds his affection, not saying goodnite to the girls or tucking the boys in.(which is our bedtime routine)
He hates the term "step"dad he wants to be their dad. He truly doesn't understand why his relationship with them can't be the same as mine (we are equal partners in this aren't we?) I tried to explain that I've been their mom forever, hes only been around (one or two or three) years (because the argument has been the same all along!) I told him that the destructive behavior is not helping him create that relationship.
We make all of our decisions together, sometimes he gives the answers to the kids and sometimes I do, but always after we have discussed it together. If we cannot agree on what should happen, then I think it should happen my way, which is where the argument begins. He says I only let him make the decisions that I don't want to make or he only has the control that I give him. And that's it, I do think its a control issue. At first the kids weren't allowed to talk about their dad or what happened when they were with him. That was one time when I had to put my foot down, That is damaging to them emotionally! As far as "doing any favors for their bio dad" that comes up when he wants us to have the kids on his scheduled time. Which of course I don't have a problem with (I'd rather have them ALL the time!) But my husband has actually said "no" to that and someone else has had to step in to take care of MY kids. So....I hope this answered any questions, sorry it was so long but it is alot to consider

[deedee1231]

For the most part, I do not find that I have to be particularly "consequences oriented" with my teen, who is also a pretty good kid. When they are making good grades, doing their share around the house, and staying out of trouble, I find it best not to sweat the small stuff...like super strict bed times for a 14 or 16 year old. Perhaps you could explain to your husband that while there are definately areas where you would lay down the law and follow through with consequences (for me those would be lying, not being where they said they were going to be, doing something forbidden behind my back, etc.) bed times and forgetting to take out the trash (or whatever their chores are) require only a simple reminder. Try to explain to him what values are important to you in regards to behavior and discipline, and that you like to maintain a more relaxed atmosphere in the home so that everyone feels, well, relaxed. A less tense atmosphere in the home actually fosters good communication and strong relationships between children and parents.

As far as him not wanting to be considered "stepdad" well, that is what he is...you can't change that. The kids are older, they know their father, and they can't be expected to pretend otherwise. If you could somehow help him realize that he has an important role in the family, and that he doesn't have to associate that role with all of the negative connotations that the word stepdad can sometimes evoke, maybe he would be able to relax and simply enjoy parenting the children. One of the members of families.com has the username BonusMom. I really like this way of looking at a step parent--you are a bonus parent! Yes, they already have a dad, but they get a bonus dad as well!

[mcmama]

you guys need counseling.

He's not their dad. He's their stepdad.

And yeah, it is his house and yours too - and mom and step dad make the rules.

I had an uncle who did this when my mom had to leave due to a death in the family. He decided that I was too full of myself, that my mom, a recent widow, was not laying down the law, and by golly, he was going to help her by shaping things up while she was gone.

I was a pretty good student. Had a routine of coming home, chilling out with music, changing my clothes (catholic school uniform) having a snack, and then starting homework. Some nights I really had very little homework because I got most of it done in study hall. But nope - to your room, do your homework. Don't come out till it is done. No snack. No drink of water. No music (no headphones in those days) No phone calls to friends (no cell phones in those days either).

So to blow him off I would do one assignment. THAT'S ALL? YOU ARE NOT DONE UNTIL I SAY SO. Well, uncle, I am supposed to read 40 pages for my English homework. Thought I would go into the backyard, sit in my favorite tree, eat some fruit, and do my reading. OH NO! YOU DON'T GO OUT UNTIL YOU HAVE DONE THAT READING YOUNG LADY. And then you tell me what happened in the book, etc....

By the end of my mom's absence, I was just ignoring him, going up to sit in the tree, sneaking snacks home from the snackbar at school, and not even trying to look like I was being obedient. There were a few frantic long distance phone calls he made to my mom that week. None of it was particularly helpful.

We all made it up afterwards when my mom got home, but as a family we learned a few things about not only how difficult it is to be a single mom, but when a single mom is doing a good job some people just assume that she's failing because the kid is a teenager with a bit of attitude. And you had better believe my grades were way off that week. I couldn't get any real studying done.

No matter how absent the bio parent is, when you come into a kids life late like that, you are the stepparent - and you make your own relationship. He has to understand that the relationship between a single mom and her children is pretty tight, and if he comes in all rigid and disruptive, he will create trouble where less or none would exist. So you need to meet with a counselor to work out these stepfamily issues.

Is bio dad involved at all? I still don't understand the part about doing their bio dad favors.

[mcmama]

OK now I get the favors part. You are talking about visitation changes.

If your ex is acting in good faith, this is just going to drive your kids away from you. And if I were your ex, I would be concerned.

Unless your ex is a drunken waste of space who capriciously cancels visits to goof off, you and your husband need to try to work things out with him when possible. It may not always be possible, but you do need to try to accomodate each other. This does work both ways. Your husband needs to understand that like it or not, you are all family, somehow. Again, counseling!!!

[wolftte702]

yea, so.... we have started going to counseling. Only one time so far though so nothing happened yet.
I tried to have the discussion with him about "relaxing", but he just sees that as being inconsistant. I tried all the "don't sweat the small stuff" He just says its all small stuff to me. He has a very all or nothing personality. Compromising has been especially difficult because of this. If we don't agree, instead of trying to find middle ground, one of us gets our way. Usually me, since they are my kids. Which is where the argument begins. My oldest is a 16 yr old girl. She does way more than just chores, she helps cook dinner, helps her little brothers with their homework, and does extra stuff around the house, just because she sees it needs done. I think that kind of behavior need to be acknowledged so I do so by giving extra priviliges, or giving a little more grace for mistakes or the famous "I forgot" My husband says she's my favorite and the rules don't apply to her. I think because she's older and has proven to be more responsible that her rules should be different.

I also tried to talk with him about his relationship with the kids. I told him he could have a wonderful relationship with each of them if he would just let it be what it is and quit trying to define it.

One other thing I didn't mention earlier was that my husband and I have a baby together. She is 20 mo old, I didn't think it was relevant to my questions. But I must tell you that some of his irrational behavior has alot to do with her also. My husband thinks that the baby is going to want to be exactly like her siblings. Of course babies imitate their siblings and even look up to them, but he goes to extremes with it. He doesn't want the baby anywhere near the other kids dad, like at ball games, school plays etc.(its not like we're sitting with him, we're just at the same event but sometimes she wanders over to where her siblings are) He is afraid that the baby will think that he is her dad, just because the other kids are calling him dad. Although I explained to him that she already knows who her daddy is, he is afraid she will be confused. The occasions ares so few and far between, it seems ridiculous to me. I told him there are step siblings all over the world that adjust to that concept just fine. Kids are alot more accepting of things than adults are!

Here's to hoping that more conseling will help! Thanks for all your comments, keep them coming if you have any more advice!