[crackerbuzz]

The situation:

Our house needs landscaping and we live on the beach and we can gather and collect as much driftwood and pebbles/stones we like for free!!

Great? Right?

Wrong.....

The problem...



I believe in one thing and my wife believes another and we are battling hard about this subject. (to do with the kids)

Can I please have as much of your opinions as possible please, so I can discuss these issues about this and get back on track.


The time of demise...

The general agreement was that my wife and I along with our 3 kids 6,9, and 10 years all pop down to the beach on our quad bikes to collect pebbles in the small garden trailer.

These pebbles aren't light and it is not exactly super fun for the kids, but it needs to be done for the family home nevertheless.

My theory on family togetherness:

1: We ALL agree that it needs doing as a family and get it over with relatively quicky so we can then enjoy the rest of the day with good stuff. Moving rocks can be fun...sort of!

2: EVERYONE helps.

3: No-one should be allowed to shirk

4: This, I believe teaches family values and proves/teaches that things aren't always done for you and that life actually can be not always easy.




The argument:

My wife and I had a fight about the following:

My wifes views:

1: She agrees with the basics of my beliefs, however if one of the kids (especially our 9 year old typically lazy boy) decides it is too hard to lift a stone smaller than a tennis ball should then be allowed to start flicking tiny stones around the place and play instead whilst the rest of the family loads the trailer. I asked him to "come on" and to start helping out and got cut off by my wife...

2: I was undermined in front of the children and our boy was then told its ok to flick stones and to have fun aswell, as this is really a job for the adults anyway. This instantly gave my son permission to shirk off directly in front of me and basically look at me like "SUCKER". Our other kids however kept loading the trailer and the boy now had full permission to shirk.

My Wife also said that the kids should be able to sit at the beach whilst myself and my wife load the trailer. She believes it is not about helping out, rather about having us all there together as a family in a nice environment.

I DISAGREE.




Please give your advice and let us know your opinions on this!

Many thanks

C Forman
Blenheim
NEW ZEALAND

[JeanLynn81]

I agree completely with you to a certain extent. I think your kids might be too old for the "Hey look, chores and work can be fun!"

I was thinking, maybe this is a good time to show them how money works. You can explain how much money it would cost to buy the rocks and have someone else put them in, then get out the ole calculator and take away vacation and Christmas gift money and see what's left. Then tell them if they don't want to help, that is fine, but they can see what the future will hold as far as gifts and allowances go.

So, you're right for thinking they should all help. But i really think you shouldn't try to dance around it, and tell them that you expect their help or there will be consequences. Good luck!

[crackerbuzz]

Thanks...

Any other opinions on this?

[purelegance]

if he doesn't want to help with the rocks, maybe he can pick up driftwood and/or shells. that way he's still helping.

[Samual]

In the UK and alot of places it's illegal to remove, stones, shells etc from the beach, have you checked out NZ laws?
But your wife should not disagree with you infront of the children where behavior is concerned, especially if it means one of them can mess around and be stupid.

[mcmama]

Is this really a family project? Or did you decide that the family needs to do this project because you have this vision of hauling pebbles from the beach.

What are the kids missing out on by doing this? No fun until you do this work?

If it is truly a family project, it needs to have a beginning, an end, and clear rules for all.

I'm sorry to be a bug about this, but you sound a lot like my ex husband. He would get these ideas about what the family was to do together, and it really did not mesh with the reality of the lives of the whole family.

Is this really a family project - or is this your project, which your family has to do because you are the king?

[deedee1231]

I think children should have regular chores and those should be non-negotiable. Landscaping is not usually considered a regular chore. It is sort of in the same category as gardening. I want it done and it will make the family home look nicer, but it isn't a part of daily housekeeping like laundry or dishes, or even mowing the lawn, and therefore, not a part of the children's daily chores.

When I garden (plant flower beds, vegetables, weed my plants, water my plants, ect) many times my children want to help me with this. I often ask them before going out if they would llike to help me in the yard. Almost always, they all four say yes. If they don't that is fine. The yard is my project, not theirs. Usually in the spring they come out to help me plant flowers and before I am finished with all the work they have wandered off to some other play. Especially the twins, age 6. That is not a problem. In my opinion they can not be expected to keep up with an adult when working in the hot sun, so they are not shirking, they have just done what they are going to do with it and are on to something else.

That being said, we homeschool, so we tend to do almost everything together. I try to make things interesting for them and interact as much as possible during these types of projects. I have usually found that as soon as I stop interacting with the kids and talking about exactly what we are doing and the results we will see, and so on, that is when they start to lose interest. It is when I stop making it family time and start thinking, "Lets hurry up and get this done" that they wander off and find something else to do.

[DK615617]

I think that your wife should not have done that in front of the kids, but however, how fun can hauling rocks be? How long were you out there before the boy had had enough?
I don't know how long you were there, and how long you expected them to do this. I think with kids, when you are trying to get them to help, it helps to have an end in sight. I know that when I was younger, I hated being told "this is what we are doing as a family, and this is your responsibilty." But, if I was told, "Hey, we really need your help, we are going to go pick up rocks for 2 hours and then you are done." I was more likely to be a willing participent.
But, the wife needs to discuss this with you, not do it in front of the kids. (But honestly she probably didn't even realize it happened that way)
A lot of times with kids, it isn't that they don't want to help, it is the way they are told to do it instead of being asked.
You get more flies with honey than vinegar.

[crackerbuzz]

Originally Posted by Samual

In the UK and alot of places it's illegal to remove, stones, shells etc from the beach, have you checked out NZ laws?
But your wife should not disagree with you infront of the children where behavior is concerned, especially if it means one of them can mess around and be stupid.

Thanks, Yes it is ok here. We actually live on the shoreline, so are only transferring from one part of the beach to another. The beach is also extremely large...20 kms long!

Thanks for your reply

[crackerbuzz]

[quote=mcmama]Is this really a family project? Or did you decide that the family needs to do this project because you have this vision of hauling pebbles from the beach.

Moving the pebbles is my wifes choice. I am doing whats required to acheive it.


What are the kids missing out on by doing this? No fun until you do this work?

Playstation inside the house or a TV screen

If it is truly a family project, it needs to have a beginning, an end, and clear rules for all.

Yes, it was a 10 minute job and everybody knew this before we started.

I'm sorry to be a bug about this, but you sound a lot like my ex husband. He would get these ideas about what the family was to do together, and it really did not mesh with the reality of the lives of the whole family.

Sorry, but my idea of moving pebbles up to the house is far from fun.

Is this really a family project - or is this your project, which your family has to do because you are the king?

Yes actually...My wifes project with my muscle mainly. and no I'm not the king. Maybe you have past ex husband issues you need to sort first before you post replies to threads you dont have enough information about to state that YOU think that I'm the King/quote]

Thanks for your reply