[COCOABEACH1]

Let me tell you a little about our family. My husband and I have been married a little over a year.( Dated for 5 years) I have two kids 10 and 7. He has two kids 13 and 10. My kids live with us full time without much contact with their father. His kids have a different situation. Thier Mom works nights so they come over to our house around 8 everynight and sleep at our house. Their Mom picks them up after school and has them until about 8 when she brings them over. They spend everyother weekend with us.
We have been very blessed in that our children get good grades and are very well behaved at school. They are pretty ivolved in sports also.
The problem I have is with my 13 year old step daughter. She is very spoiled. She will not wear any clothse unless they are Aeropostle ( this is her Mom's doing) She is very materialistic and thinks everything should just be handed to her. Well her Dad and I are not like this. He will not say anything to her Mom because she buys her clothse not us. Because we refuse to buy those expensive clothse for her. We can't afford it and we don't buy them for the other kids.
The main problem I have with my SD is her mouth. She talks back, sasses, calls people names and is really rude some times. Any time she is asked to get up and do something her Dad has to ask her 3 or 4 times until she will finally get up and do it then she mouths when she is getting up. Or when she is asked to stop doing something she stops for a minute and then starts again and then her dad asks her to stop again and she stops for a minute and then starts agian.. Well then he blows up at her when he asks the 3rd time and then runs off mad and sulking... Because she knows he can't stand it if she is not happy. Then he will go talk to her and everythng is great again.Then he spends the next couple hours kissing her butt... She needs to be the center of attention at all times and gets mad if she is not. She has him wrapped around her finger. It is vicious cycle. There is not much I can do unless it is involving the other kids and things are not fair.. Then I step in.
The perfect example is last weekend we have a local corn maze we go to each year. 2 of our kids had friends come along with them.( My SD wanted to have a friend come too but her friend could not come) So we are making our way through the maze with my SD leading the way.. She is walking as fast as she can so we are all struggling to keep up with her. Mean while some of the other kids are saying I think we should go this way or that way.. But we can't becuase she is so far ahead.. So I say well let's let my SD lead for a little bit and then it can be someone elses turn. So finally it is some one elses turn and we decide to take a right.. Well my SD keeps on going the other way... My husband says go ahead I will catch her.. We get to the next clearing and my daughters friend says I don't know which way to go... Which way do you think we should go to my SD.. She says in a very snotty voice I don't know apparhently I am not in the lead... I turn to my husband and he does not say a word to her... By then the kids are off again. She sticks to the back for a while and then makes her way back up to the front.. She starts hiding in the corn and jumping out and scarring the other kids.. It was funny for about the first 3 or 4 times then they got tired of it. So her Dad told her to stay out of the corn that is why they have it roped off.. She stomps her way to the back next to him, mumbling the whole time and then says well fine I will just stay back here and not have any fun at all!. I turned to my husband and said I am getting really tired of this.... She stayed at the back with him the rest of the time.. We got to a clearing and all the kids sat down and said they were tired.. So we decided to go ahead and go get some ice cream.. Everyone got up and started walking... Except my SD... One of the other kids said she is not getting up.. My husband said well she will find us and kept on walking.( this floored me!! Usually he would go back and sweet talk her unitl she would get up) She kept a pretty good pace behind us. We got to the ice cream place and everyone ordered and ate.. Then we told everyone we needed to go. My daughter and SD were not quite done yet and we told them to bring their ice cream in the car.. Everyone got up and went out to the care.. Except my SD she sat right there at the table. Her dad told her 2 more times to get up we have to go... We all were in the car when she came out of the door.. Strolling as slow as she could.. Then she just stood by the door of the car.. Her dad put the car in reverse and backed up a little... He said get in or I will leave you there... She got in.. Then on the way home she asked if she could stay at her Mom's house that night. Her dad said no. We had taken two cars so I dropped my husband off to drive the other car home and I had all the kids with me. My SD was texting the whole time on the way home.. Come to find out it was to her Mom. Her Mom had called her Dad and asked if she could stay with her that night.. He said no.. If she is upset about something she needs to talk to me about it and we will work it out. Needless to say he was Pissed she had called her MOM and wanted to stay over there. So He sent her straight to bed when we got home. He went down about 30 min later and tried to talk to her and all she would say to him was I hate you and I hate it here. So we all went to bed and the next morning he took her to her Mom's house for the day because he did not want to deal with her attitude. This all happened on a Sat night and she is still not speaking to us.. Says she hates us all and doesn't want anything to do with us. Well her Mom is feeding into it and I am sure is babying her. Her mom keeps telling her Dad she is not a bad kid you know and allowing her treat us like this. The way I see it is she is throwing a huge fit and wanting her Dad to come crawling to her and for once he is not.... It is not my place to do anything and my husband won't say much about it... It really just makes me scared for how bad things can get in the next few years.. She is only 13!
I am hoping her Dad is finally seeing how childish she acts and is going to do something about it!!! I feel like my hads are tied but she should not be allowed to act this way.. Any advice would be wonderful!!!!
Sorry this is so long..

[deedee1231]

Well at 13 a snotty attitude is pretty normal. It is how the parents deal with it that will determine whether it will get better or whether it will spiral out of control. Your husband has to stop letting her make him feel guilty and babying her, or it will spiral out of control.

First and foremost, you and your husband need to set some ground rules. Do what you are told, when you are told and not 15 minutes later. Do it with a kind attitude. Treat other family members with respect. No name calling. Etc... Once rules are agreed on and explained to all the kids (don't single her out ) there have to be consequences when she ignores those, which she will, at first.

My first thought was the cell phone. You said she was sitting in the back seat texting? You might consider that as a vehicle for discipline. If she wants to have cell phone priveleges she better keep her attitude in line. When she starts ignoring parental requests and making snyde remarks, you or her dad can say, "Hand over the phone. You may have it back again when you are ready to be respectful."

Of course she will have a temper tantrum and when her mother finds out she will insist that she must have her cell phone in case of emergency. Then your husband can explain that while she is with him, he will handle any emergencies, and it is his house and these will now be the rules and refuse to discuss it further. He might also need to have a talk with his ex pointing out that he is doing his best to be a good father and he really is helping out with a lot of the hands on child care. Doesn't make him a saint or anything, but it is a lot more help than a lot of divorced moms get. So any way that she can be supportive of the rules in his home would be appreciated.

It is a tough situation for you because you are not her biological mom, but her behavior will affect your children regardless of DNA. I hope that you can take her in hand, before she has the 3 younger ones thinking that is the way to act when you don't get your way. Good luck.

[mcmama]

I disagree about the cell phone. It can blow up into a problem where the bio mom believes that the kid is being abused.

My kids had cell phones given to them by me for use at their dad's because he was unstable, and they needed to have control over these for their own emergencies. Now emergency does not mean " things aren't going my way". It means "Dad got stopped by a traffic cop and is mouthing off and I am scared" or "dad and some jerk got into an argument and now the jerk is following us and I am scared" or "aren't we supposed to be home by six, or did you guys change that". My ex was very defensive about the cell phone, but for us it was more than a privilege, it was a lifeline and gave them some sense of control over the uncontrollable.

However, I WOULD take the phone away if it is disruptive in the car, because "young lady, I am talking to you. You may not talk to anyone via cell phone until we are home". I would give her back the phone at home.

Your SD is a typical 13 year old and she is showing a typical attitude toward younger sibs. It is just her way or the highway, and she may have felt that the activity was juvenile so she wanted to be perceived as being on her own. 13 year old girls are not part of team family at this point.

So your husband and you need to have a talk with her and explain the rules about what is expected behavior - and snottiness and rudeness will not be tolerated.

She is manipulative. She is manipulating her bio mom into thinking that you all are being horrible, when in fact you are setting the ground rules for blended family. If she does not wish to participate in your blended family, a new routine needs to be worked out with her - instead of disrupting the whole group to take her home, perhaps you and husband would call her mom and say she's just not a happy camper with the younger kids and wants to come home, can you please come get her - or work out a LATER time for you to drop her off. This way she knows it is all about team family and not just her.

[erinellakal]

I don't have have much in the way of advice. I think your SD is acting like a normal 13 year old and it will probably get better as she gets older, not worse, like you fear. As long as you and your husband stick to you guns and not give into her guilt tactics.
Good luck

[MrsDanite]

Just a couple of thoughts: one thing that's going on here is that this 13 year old daughter is older than all the other kids by a fair amount. At this age, it's typical to want to pull away from the younger ones and assert yourself as a more independent person. Unfortunately, the forms that assertion takes are usually pretty obnoxious. It might help to give her more options about when to participate in a family activity and when to join in.

My 13 year old just turned 14 and I've been looking back at how hard she was to deal with about 18 months ago compared to how sweet she is now (although she does still take her time with everything, and keep the rest of us waiting). My mother used to grit her teeth and say, "This too shall pass away," and whatever it was that annoyed her so much often did change for the better over time. I guess I'm trying to say that things will not necessarily get worse as your SD ages.

She may also want some individual time with just her dad, and during a "daddy daughter date" might be a good time for him to say, "I really love you, and also the other kids. We need to have some basic family rules that will help us all get along." The fact that he's even once changed the way he's reacted to her drama show is a good sign. She's likely to keep testing the limits for a good long time, but if they don't change, she may change.

Best wishes to you all!

MrsD

[QueenAngie]

Tough being a step-mother at times, isn't it!

(((Hugs)))

Your home, your rules.

Teenagers, particularly girls, are very trying at times.
Does not mean that parents/step-parents have to tolerate
rudeness, backtalking, and not follow family rules.

Sounds like a really fun family event you'd arranged.
And she worked hard to ruin it.
Maybe split up next time and have her & her dad go one
direction,
and the rest of you another direction
to meet up at a specific time.

The other thing is this: she is showing a bad example
to the other children in the family.
Your home, your rules.

Wishing you all the best.