[new_ma_tia]

Hi,
I'm almost 15 weeks pregnant and single. I'm very excited to be having a baby. At 27, I'm still young enough to be "starting" life but old enough to care for a new child.

The father of the baby and I were not together at the time the baby was conceived and he is a very nice person, but he lives in Toronto and I live near DC in Virginia. We spoke at length yesterday about the confusion he is facing right now - whether to be part of the child's life or not - and I honestly did not know what to say. For me, it was a decision that only took a few weeks to make - keep the baby and raise it. For him, though, there is a lot to think about, and now I need to think about it, too.

What we're really confused about is the fact that we live so far away from each other, and split custody simply cannot work. He isn't going to move here and I am not going to move there, either. The 2nd part of the mix is that eventually, I will get married to someone else and there will be someone else to be a father to this child. So, it seems that it would be better for him to not play a fatherly role at all even from the beginning, and we sort of ended the call with that direction in mind. He will provide support for me and the baby, but that's as far as it can and should go (in our minds). He doesn't want to get attached, and frankly, I don't want him to get attached, either. I like living in the states and I like the idea of having a more straightforward dating life. That's very selfish of me, I know. I'm just trying to wrap my arms around all of this. I don't want the messiness of shared custody or even just talking about the baby's "father" with the baby or with anyone else, when he really won't be a "father." I want my future husband to adopt the child, and to be the real father; the real dad.

But then, I started thinking more about the child. Is it going to be super difficult later in life to explain this sort of thing to the child? What if it takes years to find a suitable husband and father? I don't want this child to be fatherless forever, and not even mention his/her father in Canada. I just don't want there to be much confusion.

Has anyone any advice for this type of thing? I am starting to get torn up about this. I think we're making a good decision but it's very scary.

...Tia - 27yo; 14 1/2 wks pregnant with first child!

[mcmama]

I had child care clients who faced situations like this. It really is up to the individual.

If you have agreed on economic support that is a good thing. You both should have this in writing for your mutual protection. It establishes what his obligation is, and he's then protected against you going after him for anything more, unless there are extenuating circumstances regarding the baby's health.

As for having him in the child's life, you cannot force this, it is what it is. You will do the best you can with what you have, and with the people in your life. Just be careful that the people in your life are good people, especially the men in your life!

Since you are not married yet and seem to have no prospects for the immediate future, don't borrow trouble worrying about what might happen or what you will tell the baby. First, have the baby. Then, raise the baby. Then, answer questions as honestly and truthfully as the situation will allow when the baby asks questions.

You can't know what you should say until that time actually comes. So don't worry about that yet!