[LeanyBean]

Why do we absolutely hate our husbands/fiances/boyfriends/baby-daddys so incredibly much when we're pregnant? Seriously, we can't blame it all on hormones.

Right now I would love to strangle him. I really would. Of course I barely have to speak up about what I am thinking about his endeavors because his friends are bugging him about it.

Allow me to give you some background. I'm going to go back about a year. In Ocotber I re-entered the workforce. I worked nights and weekends at Wal-Mart. Then when we returned from our holiday vacation I started working with the hubby at Winnebago. We decided life was good and that we would proceed with our thoughts of TTC #4. Well everything was going beautifully and then our child care moved way out of the way. We weighed our options and decided it was less stressful and most financially wise for us for me to quit and become a stay at home mom again. Well a month after I quit I fell pregnant. {Mother Nature just knows when to toss the proverbial wrench into the machine doesn't she?} Well since I have quit working at Winnebago I have been looking for something I can do a few hours or so a day from home; preferably via the computer and internet. After all I am here at my desk half the day at least.

Bringing it up to speed. I just cannot find anything that I can do from home that doesn't require some sort of fee or investment. So I of course feel tremendously guilty for not contributing any money into the house. Then a few weeks ago the hubby tells me he is creating a business with his step-dad doing home improvement jobs. So most weekends he'll be gone doing stuff for other people for cash. {Funny thing, he has been paid for one job already and I haven't seen a dime towards us and our family.}
Also out of the blue we get a call from a local college about a student winning a pool or raffle or something and our names were attached. So we went the other night to see what all the school had to offer and what it was about. Well we did what they call wonderlic testing. The national average result with this particular test is 16. Hubby scored 32, I scored a 31. The friends we have there scored 30 and 32. So Hubby is excited about going and getting a degree or ten but he wants me to go to school while he is. Now that poses us with child care issues again. {I have issues with day cares. Bad experiences.} The easiest would be him going night and me going days and having someone watch the kids days. Hopefully I would be able to be here until they caught the bus at 8:05. Then the end of section finals and such would be going on during the week I would be scheduled to have this baby. But anyhoo, we'd be back to only seeing one another on weekends when he didn't have a home improvement job and just putting too much on me for too long. Also we go back to the college tonight to see what financial aid we may qualify for. Hubby just keeps going on about how school loans would help boost our credit.

I am excited about qualifying for their strict accouting program but I just can't do this right now. I really need him around right now. The worst part is that my parents will be out to visit for about a week starting Monday or Tuesday through Sunday. He has a home improvement job scheduled that weekend and will not back down from it plus he says he isn't using vacation from work to take a day off while they are here just to spend time with them. We see them once maybe twice a year because we live 1100 miles apart. It seems as if this doesn't matter to him. I know they come out to see everyone not just me, not just their grandsons. I wish I could get through to him that this is important to me. I do about 95% of the stuff he wants me to do that involves his family. My MIL and step-FIL live just around the corner and my BIL and his family live in the next county. Is it wrong of me to expect him to do things with my family as he does me with his? I don't think so but then again I guess I could be wrong. He hasn't been this way before. It's just driving me crazy. I know he sees it as a better money situation for us but I see it as another step closer to the asylum for me. True money is tight and we occasionally get behind on one thing or another but I would rather be broke as hell than only share our bed 6 hours a night and be apart the other 18 hours a day.

I'm just so upset and hurt and angry and stressed out. I had to get it out somewhere.
Right now I just don't know what to do. I feel like just packing myself up-just myself and let him tangle with the kids 24/7-and leaving, I feel like crawling into the far corners of a cave telling the world to leave me alone., I feel like just screaming my head off at him until I pass out, I feel like escaping this god awful situation and starting over somewhere else where no one knows me. Until I can make up my mind waht I should do I will sit here and make sure the kids aren't killing each other or themselves while I just bawl my eyes out.