[gmhannon]

I'd like to hear some other people's opinions on the subject of spending the holdiays with a husband's ex-wife. Does anyone think it is reasonable or fair for an ex-wife to expect that her ex-husband and his new (girlfriend\wife) spend all of their holidays together with her and their kids? The ex-wife feel like everyone, (including her) should celebrate all of the holidays together, rather than the children spending part of the holidays with her and part of the holidays with their father.

[Momof2kids]

Well, to begin with, I would have to examine the relationship of the husband and girlfriend/wife. How long have you been together? Are you married? How open is the relationship?...and how old are the kids? Do they understand or do they just want everyone to be together? There are alot of factors but I do have to say that I wouldn't spend all my time with the ex..either way...maybe just one day for celebrating. However, if you do spend your time with the ex...and get along...more power to you. Also, maybe thinking about what is in the best interest of the children could help make a good decision. But, I feel that it depends on the kids ages. Happy Holidays!

[gmhannon]

He and I have been together for 2 years and are getting married in the fall and we have a very open relationship. His children are 24, 21 and 8, all of which still live with the ex-wife. Let me start out by clarifying, I did not know him when he and his ex-wife were still together and had nothing to do with their breakup. His ex-wife was VERY rude to me when he and I started dating...calling me names, sending him text msgs calling me a WH... and a B....she even called the oldest child and offered to pay her $200 if she'd call me a WH... to my face the first time I met her. She repeatedly threatens to kick the older kids out of the house (they are both going to college) if they come over and spend time with their dad if I am around. She expects to be invited to everything that we invite the older children to. Last year, per the divorce decree, she had custody from when school let out until noon on Dec 26. He asked the ex-wife to let him pick up the 8 year old for a few hours on X-Mas eve and we also invited the older kids over...she would not agree and made the older kids feel guilty if they went off and "left her alone", so they didn't come either. Her solution was to invite us over to spend X-Mas morning with all of them...including her; we did not go. I have a daughter and granddaughter in town that we were spending Christmas with.

[pattiewrites]

How is the relationship now? My sister in law and brother do Thanksgiving at their house every year with both her parents and their respective partner/spouse. They all get along well and have been able to put the past behind them for the sake of their children. I have to say they are the most adult and unselfish divorced couple I've ever met. It's really nice for their children and grandchildren that they can have the family together like that. They are surrounded by lots of adults who all have one thing in common, they all love them.

On our side of the family, it doesn't work. My parents are both idiots who still act like their feelings matter most. UGH get over it already! Bury the past and move on, you know? We can never have both of them here at the same time and it is ridiculous. I envy the nice relationship my sister in law's parents have been able to create. Personally, I think both of my parents need to grow up and stop thinking of themeselves, but it won't happen. Anyway, we have to choose a parent and dad is the one who misses out on births, Baptisms, First Communions and will miss in the future high school and college graduations. Oh well, that's his choice, but it is sad for the kids. He even skipped my wedding because I told him point blank that his GF was NOT invited. (this is a different situation, in that he did cheat on mom with this woman and their divorce wasn't final yet at the time of my wedding). I didn't want her drama at my wedding and I have no regrets that dad missed it. Again, that was HIS choice.

If you can all learn to get along and leave the past where it belongs, in the past, it will be better for his kids in the future, particularly as they start to get married and have children. If the parents refuse to spend the time together, the kids are unfortunately forced to choose and it really isn't fair. I tell my parents it isn't about them and if they can't get along, don't come.

[MissyChrissy]

Both my parents attend many holidays and birthday parties together. My father has been remarried for years. I don't think it's odd at all...in fact, one xmas my stepmother invited my mother to her house for xmas eve. It was actually very fun and everyone had a good time.

Maybe my parents are unique...but the divorce is over. They have mutual children and grandchildren and they both enjoy them very much.

[gmhannon]

pattiewrites asked me "How is the relationship now? " I'm not sure who you're asking about, but I assume you are asking about my boyfriend and his ex-wife. They mostly communicate through the 24 year old daughter that lives with the ex-wife. Although the ex-wife still calls him a lot for things that have nothing to do with issues centered around the children. The real problem here is that the ex-wife thinks that the world revolves around her. She thinks that she should be included in every event just becuase her children are being invited. For instance, last year for my boyfriend's birthday, I invited all of his children, his sister\brother-in-law and his aunt's family over for dinner. She made the children feel guilty for coming becuase she wasn't invited. I have no problem with attending "once in a lifetime" events such as graduations, weddings, children\grandchildren's birthdays, etc. and being civil to his ex-wife. I already do this with my ex-husband and his wife. I've had them in my home for several events where my children\grandchildren were the focus of the event. I've even give my ex-husband's wife hugs when they arrive\leave. My boyfriend's ex-wife is manipulative, cruel and controlling and all done while smiling at you. For instance, she a few days ago told her adult children that if the minor child was not going to be there for Christmas this year (it is Dad's year per the divorce decree) then there would be no presents waiting for the minor child at the ex-wife's house when she came back because Santa Claus brings all the presents. She also tells the child that her "home" is with her mom and she just has a "room" at her dad's house. I do not feel that I and/or my children and grandchildren should be required to endure this woman's presence at every social event and every holiday gathering that we have where we would normally invite my boyfriend's children.

[pattiewrites]

I meant how is their relationship now and yours and hers because both influence the situation. Can you all get along, or will it be sheer misery for the kids to have you all together? I agree that not every social event should include her, but it is nice for the kids to have one or two of the major holidays, their birthdays (not his), and other events when the parents can act like adults and leave the past in the past. Later, both will likely want to be present for their grandchildren's birthdays and if they can't get along, their kids may decide to exclude one or both of them from these events. For me, it is definitely not worth the stress to include both of my parents. My day would be ruined and so would the kids'.

There are many factors that can affect the ability to manage it. How long have they been divorced? Was it years before you met him or just before? (I know your bf wasn't cheating with you, but if he started dating you a week after they split, it is a little different than 3 years in terms of getting past it and hard feelings). Do one (or both) of the women in the situation feel threatened by the other? If so, time is needed (or counseling) to realize it doesn't have to be a competition. The more time that passes, wounds heal and sometimes people can move past the past and enjoy the future as friends (or at least be cordial).

It does take effort, but the bottom line is the parents' BS is not the kids' problem, regardless of the age of the kids. My parents seemed to feel that because I was 21 when they split that they didn't have to spare my feelings like most thinking adults would do for a young child, and both felt it was ok to talk trash about each other to me. I put them both in their place (separately) and basically told them I don't need either of them in my life, if they continue to talk about each other to me and that their dysfunctional relationship is their issue and not mine. My sister in law's mother told me last Thanksgiving it wasn't always pleasant with her ex, but she decided her kids were more important than stupid grudges from years gone by. The subject came up because I had commented on how amazing it is that they can get along so well, joking with each other and all enjoying the day.

[VinniesMommy]

I have a step son, and he is 2. We get along great with his mom ((My DH's ex fiancee)) and sometimes we celebrate holidays together. We all go trick or treating together, and my step son and his mom come to our house Christmas morning ((not first thing, they come over after they do their own thing)). But that works for us. I like my step sons mom, I would almost consider her a friend. But, at the same time, my step son is still real young, and this whole thing started out because he was so young and both parents wanted time with him even though they were not together. At 24 though, Mom should really cut the apron strings. Not letting her see her dad if your there? That's a bit much!! Maybe you or your fiancee should talk to her? See what her deal is... I wouldn't recommend befriending or having holidays with her if you have issues with her. Good luck. I hope things get easier for you.

[nancyleeb]

No, it is not reasonable for her to expect you to spend every holiday with her and her kids. Your boyfriend is the ONLY one who can put his foot down and stop her behavior. For you to do anything will only fuel her fire and give her ammunition to use to try to make the children hate you. He has to say no, and make plans without her. If she refuses to allow the 8 year old to attend, or punishes the 8 year old for attending, he needs to take legal action against her. This behavior is not in the best interest of the child and is certainly grounds for her parental rights to be challenged. He needs to tell her if she does not stop this behavior that he will sue her for full custody. He has to do this if he wants to have a healthy relationship with you. If he continues to give his ex-wife her way at the expense of your happiness, your relationship will suffer.

I caution you against going along with this for "the good of the children" because once you accept it and do it once, you are stuck doing it her way every year. I made the mistake of inviting my husband's ex-wife for Christmas day (his children are in their thirties) because she was by herself and I felt bad for her. Everyone got along well, so now every year, my husband's children orchestrate a great big family present opening "ceremony" with her and all of us (usually here at our house with me doing all of the work.) I can't seem to get out of it gracefully. For me to put my foot down would only make me look bad and so every year I am forced to bite my tongue and put up with it. It is awkward and uncomfortable and she usually "unintentionally" insults me several times throughout the evening and she never lifts a finger to help clean up after dinner. We never get invited to her house, EVER. One of his children takes turns and does it at her house every few years, but the other one never has it at her house. My husband should put his foot down and tell his children NO, but he doesn't want to rock the boat. I don't want my one year old to have to endure this every year. I am hoping we can come to a compromise and he will tell his children that we will do it every other year--which may be a good solution for you. I feel for you! Good luck.

[FedUp64]

He should not spend time with the ex-wife, Christmas or not. I get tired of hearing it is for the kids. That is bull and we all know it, it is for the parents who never want to miss seeing the kids! The kids do just fine with one parent throughout the year so, what makes you think it will hurt them at Christmas. If parents really considered the kids, they would not have got divorced in the first place. If it was so important to them to have Mom and Dad time, then they should not have got divorced in the first place. They are with only one parent the rest of the year, why should they think it will be any different at Christmas itme or any holiday.


Christmas and other holidays are time for family and friends. Guess what, the ex is no longer his family just because she is the mother of his child. By having an ex over, you are being unfair to a new partner. A new partner wants to build a life of memmories with her new boyfriend or husband, not him and the last women he screwed! How do you think it makes the new person in the man's life feel when his family is talking to the ex about old memories........like an outsider that does not belong, that is how. It does not give the new wife a chance to build a relationship with her new partners family.


So, all the bull I constantly hear about it is for the kids, makes me sick because the truth is that it is for the parents to try and reduce their guilt and because niether one of them be without the kids on the holidays. Guess what folks?.... They should have thought about it before they got divorced!


I do realized there has to be contact for critical decisions regarding the kids and pickup / dropoff schedules and, this contact should be civil for the kids. There will also be school events that all will attend, and when in contact with each other, all should be civil for the kids. This does not mean you have to ride to the events together, or sit next to each other.


So, I guess I am sick of adults using kids as an excuse for something that they really want that is not appropriate. As I said before, they should have thought about this before they got divorced and if the kids really are the most important things in their lives, they would not have got a divorce in the first place. I will add, if infidelity or abuse were in the marriage, then the spouse on the short end of that deal did not have any choice but to get a divorce. And, it is too bad that our court system will not make decisions based on morals, because if that was the case, then the spouse that was abused or cheated on, if I were the judge, would get all the rights to the kids and it would be up to them if and when the other parent got to see the kids. Why would we want someone with such poor judgment having any say over kids in the first place. I know we can not always stop that from happening, but in these cases, maybe we could.