[md57]

My wife and I have been married for over 2 decades. We've had a low level issue that has been slowly killing our marriage for about 15 years. One of my dreams was to always own a nice house - nothing too fancy but just a nice organized family home. After moving into our newly built home many years ago my wife started to accumulate clutter all through the house. Everything from Laundry to Paperwork. I attributed it to the craziness of a young family, and even 15 years ago was offering to help out with cleaning up and organizing, but was always told "No, leave it with me, I'll take care of it"... but it never happens. Fast forward to today, some of those same piles are still there, along with many others. There isn't a clean room left in what used to be a really nice home. Everywhere is 'stuff', toys and clothes that the kids grew out of 10 years ago, filing and paperwork dating back years. She never puts stuff in it's place, just drops it. I can't find anything anymore, but she claims she knows where everything is. I can't tell you how many times I've offered to help, or to take over responsibility for the housekeeping and/or laundry, but I'm always told no. When I just start cleaning things up she freaks out. One time she went away for a weekend, I straightened out one of the rooms (didn't throw anything out, just organized it) and she didn't talk to me for a week. I'm not a clean freak, and I'm not looking for perfection, but I just want to get rid of the chaos and mess throughout our house - this is really important to me and I've explained this to my wife many times. In some of our discussions she admits to being 'housekeeping challenged', but refuses to let go and let me help out. What's really bizarre is that she's also quite obsessive compulsive and is a germ freak, although there are germs lingering throughout the house in carpets and walls that haven't been cleaned in years. There are piles of laundry that literally haven't been touched in 10 years! The very few things that she does allow me to clean, she is very critical of how I clean it (ie. not using the right cleansers, rags, etc) so I'm totally stressed when I do any kind of cleanup, and usually wait until she's out of the house. What's really bothering me is that she knows this is really threatening our marriage, and won't change (even though she is always promising to try). She keeps blaming the time she spends dealing with kid stuff (she's an at-home mom) - I agree that the kids take up a lot of time - and she's a great mom, but if she can't make housekeeping a priority then why not let me do it? I've suggested going to counselling - she won't. I've told her I might go myself, she doesn't want me to for fear of someone finding out her dirty little secret. I'm stumped, frustrated, and ready to walk out the door but I won't because of my commitment to my kids - but it's honestly driving me crazy.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Different people have different issues of what is clean vs untidy vs dirty vs filthy.

People have different standards and invariably those are the two people that fall in love and get married.

Might I suggest that you go to counseling alone to start with.

She sounds like she does need help with the chores at home.
Raising a family is a full time job in itself.

DH and I both work and I can not imagine both of us not helping do the housework and chores at home.

Sounds like your wife has some obessive-compulsive tendacies which must be deeply frustrating for her. I wish that she was able to get some help for herself.

Wishing you all the best!

[mcmama]

Hoarding is a symptom of OCD. Your wife needs counseling and medication.

I lived with a hoarder for 15 years. When I was in the process of throwing him out, I started to go through his piles of paper (information we might need someday) and stacks of newspapers, and started to dismantle shelves that held books he never used (in 1997 he still had Sylvia Porter's Money Guide for the 70s, and was enraged that I would even think of tossing it). He decided that I did not value his important contributions to academic research because I was discarding newspapers that piled floor to ceiling in our hallway for over a year.

Hoarding is all about control and territory too. Your wife needs serious intervention.

You have to go to counseling, with or without her.