[Kirst10]

I have been with a man for 1 year. We have known each other most of our lives. Both divorced over 5 years ago. He has 2 kids (11 & 13) who are with him 50% of the time, I have none. We each own our homes.

I am very allergic to cats. His kids have a cat. He keeps the cat in the basement when I am there. Allergies are affected by dander and hair rather than the actual animal in the room so that makes very little difference.

We began talking about moving in last July. At that time he said he would get rid of the cat in August when the kids went away. This was in hopes of making it easier if they hadn't seen it in a while. The cat is currently in living in the house.

I have spoken to him seriously twice this fall about the affect it has on my health and my being very uncomfortable in his house. I spent the first months of our relationship half stoned at his house on allergy pills. Obviously this is no way to live, and drugs don’t make it completely better. Now that I no longer take pills he sees my puffing eyes, running nose, rashes etc.

This weekend my allergies were bad and I asked when he was going to get rid of the cat. He said he doesn’t want to deal with the kids tears. The fact that the kids’ happiness comes before my health disturbs me. I am now questioning whether I want to be with this man at all. Now I am resenting him. I don’t feel the strong love and affection I had for him only a short time ago. I feel like he has been “humoring me” without intent to do anything.

How can let him know the seriousness this is doing to us without appearing to be a controlling nagging neurotic girlfriend? I don’t want to play games about it and simply stop going to his house or make him try to figure out why I am pulling away. I truly am seeing him in a different light after his brief uncaring comment.

[JeanLynn81]

How old is this cat?

Cats live somewhere around 10-20 years, so depending on how old this cat is, depends on how long you'll have to wait to move in. Or...maybe talk to your doctor about some allergy medication that doesn't make you feel so "stoned". I know lots of people with severe cat allergies, that are fine around cats with the right treatment. Very well-functioning, clear-headed people.

I really think you are making a mountain out of a molehill here. You are being overly dramatic and I think its because you are competing with these poor children.

"Its me or the cat."

"Well, I don't want to make the kids cry!"

"Who cares! I should be number one!"

Do you think that maybe you should postpone moving in? Another year may help to strengthen this relationship. If you get this mad about a cat, I can't imagine what would happen if say, he had to cancel anniversary plans to take one of the kids to the hospital!

[Lebaseven]

ok you asked .. " How do I communicate this" my first answer is this.. tell him exactly how you told us.. be honest with him about how you are feeling.. but dont make it confrontational.. dont let anger or sadness take control of the discussion. be honest but stay calm.
I have a few of questions about it.. 1. How long has the cat been in the family? 2. Would his ex wife consider taking the cat to live at her house? 3. Can you find a way to compromise.. like are you allergic to dogs? Maybe all of you could find a pet you could all agree on and be happy with together!
Best wishes to you keep us posted

[Kirst10]

Thanks for the support all.

I am planning to have this discussion next week. I will talk to him from an adult state and let him know my feelings.

Just for the update on the advice. I spoke to the doctor back in February and she put me on to 3 different pills at different times. Apparently this is a severe allergy and she doesn't have an answer for the symtoms. Keeping the house spotless helps but doesn't solve it either. The whole house would have to be repainted the uplostered to really make it go away completely.

His kids are great, or I would not even consider partnering with him. This is not about me competing for his attention.

We only hoped she would take the cat. She actually has quite a few animals in her home including a Pot Bellied Pig! She wants no more. He asked her this last June. She is not a horrid monster, she just doesn't want more animals..

I love dogs! The kids have been bugging for a dog and we were thinking we would get one with the house we are looking to buy in about a year. Kind of a housewarming for the family. New house, new pet....

[mcmama]

Gotcha! A friend of mine wound up taking care of an ex wife's dog for the same reason - then it became his dog because it was the kid's dog - and he's never been thrilled about it because the animal is high energy and he works all day. I think if he had it to do over again he would say no. So now I understand this situation of yours a bit better.

Have you tried Allerpet? It can be used in the air, and I have heard it can be applied to the cat's coat to reduce dander. Also if your boyfriend or the kids can damp wipe the cat with a cloth, that will reduce dander. Cat won't like it, but it is preferable to bathing a cat - which I have done, and actually survived. (no, not my current Catzilla). And believe me, after you apply anything to a cat's coat - they'll wash it again.

Also, get a HEPA filter if you don't already have one.

Does this animal have long hair, or is the primary problem the dander?

Those are some solutions for keeping cat - and you. There's some work involved for the family to keep the cat. But very possible.

[Possibility_girl]

you are in no way making amountain out of a mole hill, this is your helath here, im sure you would understand if he took the kids to the doctor over seeing you. you have a few choices. lookinto more medicines, not move in, but over all, you mush tell him how you feel, just like you told us, this is important. mabey he dosnt fully understand how it affects your health and that is why he is not taking getting rid of the cat serousely. put your cards on the table, be honest, dont give him ultimatums, this is your choice, he is telling you his, but agian, let him know how seriouse the health issue is.

[browneyes01]

i agree maybe you should postpone moving in with him, and the cat is for his children why would you want himto get rid of it how do you know that the cat doesn't serve as some form of comfort for the children when they are with him i think your being selfish he should probably get rid of you get some allergy meds.

[JeanLynn81]

The reason I said what I said is because first you state that you have ONLY been with this guy for a year. Then you say...

The fact that the kids’ happiness comes before my health disturbs me.

But apparently this isn't a death defying allergy. Its not like you are going to swallow a peanut and swell up so bad you can't breath. Pet allergies are by far the most manageable of them all.

And after only a year, don't you think you are asking a bit much? I really think you should consider the way the kids feel, because I can tell you that you Do Not want to become evil stepmother. When these kids are teenagers they will make your life hell.

[mrmnmom82]

I had a neighbor that had a cat, I am also allergic, but I didn't have any trouble with dander when visiting. She was married to a marine, who was a clean freak. The cat got a bath every week, the carpets were vacuumed 3 times a week.... you get the idea. Maybe there are more things that can be done to make your visits more managable.

[Magic_Mikki]

I agree with JeanLynn.

Also, you said you don't have any kids, and I'm sure that has a lot to do with why you don't understand why he isn't willing to get rid of the cat. Sorry, but if he chose your cat allergy of his children's happiness, then that would be wrong! I think he's doing the right thing by not getting rid of it. There are other things that you can do to manage your allergies, but it is hard work. You've just got to be more willing to do them (getting the HEPA filter, vaccuming more, having your boyfriend bathe the cat, etc), and if you're not willing to do the hard work, then maybe the guy isn't worth it. But of course his children's happiness is more important than your cat allergy!