[Lunchbox]

I've been reading through the forums for awhile, but this is my first post.

We've been married for 3 years and both in our early 30s. We were teenagers when we met and we were together for more than 10 years before we got married, for various reasons part of that time we were physically together and part of the time we had to maintain a long distance relationship. We were each other's first everything, and neither one of us had any partners or dated any other people prior to meeting each other. We met at a wedding, and had a long conversation at the wedding followed by an even longer conversation on the phone that went all night and it was during that conversation that I thought to myself that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with this woman. My wife is beautiful, smart, talented, ambitious and all I want to do is to spend my life with her, I cannot picture my life without her.

While we were dating, my wife has always shown pangs of insecurities and jealousies. I typically brushed them aside and didn't take them seriously but over the years I have seen them get worse and worse to the point where both of our patience has run really thin, our fights and over stupid things (at least I think so) and turn into horrible screaming matches and sometimes if my wife gets really angry, then they get violent and she'll throw things at me, break stuff or try and hit me. For example:

1. If we're watching a movie, tv-show or even commercial and a woman comes on showing skin. It doesn't have to be nudity, it could be a woman in a bikini and if I'm watching she'll get very very upset and get hurt and then start crying. She doesn't want me to watch any shows/movies with nudity because she feels it demeans it when I see my wife naked.

2. We were on vacation in the Carribean and watching a family oriented show that had carribean dancing women with big flowery hats and sequins, they were dancing and had bikini bottoms and my wife got up and didn't want me to watch teh show and got upset and wouldn't talk to me the rest of the night when I just wanted to relax and watch.

3. I haven't been swimming in two years because she doesn't want me to take my shirt off and swim so that other women would see my body. Because she feels that only she wants to see my body and if other women can see my body then to her that part of our relationship isn't as special.

4. She wants me to wear long enough and loose enough shorts so that other women don't accidentaly see the outline of my crotch if the shorts are the slightest bit tight when i'm playing sports.

5. I don't drink, I've never ever been drunk my entire life. I don't smoke and I've never touched drugs. When we got married and I told my wife that I'd be having a bachellor party with my brothers and friends and it'd be clean fun, we'd have dinner then hang out my friend's place and play games and joke around. Yes I know, boring bachellor party. She was fine with it until the night of when she didn't want me to go and wanted me to stay with her. She cried, she felt betrayed, I had to basically sneak away. It ruined the night for both of us, I spent hours telling her that she was being completely unreasonable and it was so embarrasing because my friend and brothers were in teh car waiting for me for 3 hours before I could get away and the party started. She spent hours more that night waiting outside 'hoping' that I'd return.

6. I've been trying to get a games night with friends going where we get together every other week and play board games or poker or something and hang out. Its guys and girls, she's not particularly interested in playing games even though I've tried to get her involved but usually when the night comes along they'll be drama with her and she won't want me to go and she'll cry.

7. A few weeks ago my sister in law emailed and wished us a happy anniversary and I responded back and said thanks. My wife was extremely upset that I didn't tell her that I responded back.

THis isn't normal married life behaviour is it? That's what I want to know. It doesn't feel normal and I think we need help.

These are just some of the examples of some of our fights, there's more. Actually I don't know if fight is the right word. It'll start with screaming, she'l then start swearing at me and calling me horrible names and then she'll be crying and crying and refuse to say a word or talk about anything. She'll be crying and screaming and want to leave the house, but she's in such an agitated state of mind after all of the crying that I'll hold her down and not want her to leave beacuse i'm so scared that she will harm herself. Its like she's a completely different person. So I have to physically keep her pinned down until she's calmed down and regardless of how angry i'm feeling inside keep talking calmly until I can let go and not be worried for either one of our safety. I hate doing this.

She's an extremely private person and doesn't have any close friends. I think she doesn't let herself get close to anybody beacuse she's always afraid of getting hurt, and she gets hurt very easily. She gets angry at me at the idea of counselling. Recently our church offered a 'dynamic families seminar'intended to take so-so marriages and help them become strong marriages (google 'dynamic families' for more info about the organization) but when she found out that the class would be interactive and require each couple sharing thoughts on their own marriage she refuses to attend it with me.

I don't know what to do, we have a lot of great and wonderful days but that's only because we're not talking or dealing with the issues that are bothering us and I want to address these issues. We were reading marriage books together (e.g Covenant Marriage) and it sometimes helps and things slowly start getting better until a big fight breaks out and things are worse than they were before. If we can get over these issues, then our marriage will be amazing but I just don't know what to do. I know that if she even knew that I was posting on a forum she would be devastated that I shared any of these details with absolutely anybody, even random strangers.

Any thoughts . .

[swt1899]

To be honest I feel that you two should seek professional counseling. I know that she may be a very private person, but you two are not living your marriage to its fullest potential.
She seems scared that you might "do something." For some reason she seems to not trust you. You need to get to the root of that issue. Maybe she had been hurt in the past and she hasn't revealed that?
Professional help will allow the two of you to have a neutral ground to talk about things. It will not be a back and forth shouting match. You will have someone there to help get to the bottom of things.
Hope this helps!

[Dak]

Am very sorry for what you are going through. I agree with swt1899 that you need counseling but I have a good example (my brother who was going through the same thing). Counseling didn’t work as the wife refused to go.

if you were best friends and as you have said your wife has no friends. She feels insecure. I have once lived in such a relationship where all I had was my boyfriend, I didn’t feel fine whenever the bf was chatting with female or male friends. All that I wanted was to spent time with him. When we are far apart I was very lonely. This relationship ended because he had found a lover just because I went to stay with my family 400 km away from him. I painfully get over it but learnt to accept friends when I am in a relationship.

I met my hubby we are of different nationalities. We love each other very much, I allowed him to have friends and I also have friends. I could not want him to spent time with other people when we had no child. BUT after the birth of our baby (see ticker) I started feeling comfortable with his going out of the country alone or chatting with friends, bringing both male and female friends home. You didn’t mention about whether you have children or not. Having children will also do you good as your wife will be busy with the child and will build trust on you as you will both have to be showing love to your baby.

This might not only ruin your love but it can also bring about health problems to your wife. Let me go back to my brother, he also married a wife from another country and were both living in a foreign country. His wife was doing exactly what yours is doing, they didn’t have a child. She could call him names when he tried to hung up with friends or when they have misunderstanding. I feel these things usually happen to couples who neither smoke nor drink beer. My brother does neither of this as well. He never laid hands on her and protected her when ever she is angry just like you. BUT in 2005 my brother had to come home to see relatives. The wife as usual felt insecure and was sending him bad messages. He was forced to go back before the planned time only to find that the wife was mentally disturbed. He took her to hospital where it was confirmed that she was stressed up. She lived that way until this year in February when she died of heart failure. All this came because of stressing herself up. Since my brother was/is so loving he endured to stay with her for 4 years till she died. He always complains of missing her despite of their problems and says has no courage to marry another person so soon as their relationship stared long ago. They tried to visit their church for counseling but to no avail.

I have given you this example to let you know that you are not alone but you need to take care as stress in not good for people. If you are a Christian I ask you to pray for her. Marriage is all about enjoying everyday. Since I met my hubby 7 years ago (he is 31 and I am 29), we have never stopped talking to each other for more than 4 hours no matter what type of misunderstanding we have. He doesn’t smoke nor drink. We always discuss our problems and remind each other that we are here for a life long relationship despite of our cultural differences. The baby has just added on our existing love. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You need to enjoy your marriage and not to be a slave. You need to sometimes tell your wife your concerns i.e. what you hate, it also helps. Don’t let her problems be heard always you are both humans and you have worries and you also need comfort. A lot of women have lost there marriages because of such type of bahaviour as men who drink would rather spent their time at the bar than home. I don’t mean you should leave your wife BUT teach her to respect you. Best wishes and sorry for long post

[emurphy0510]

An answer to your question: this is not a normal marriage. Unfortunately for you it seems that your wife has serious security issues. If she feels offended by you watching TV and seeing another woman than she feels that you are no longer interested in her. I can understand how she feels as in relationships, especially after a long time, sometimes the partner has a tendancy of not doing what they use to, (I.e. complementing, touching). This does not mean that you do not think she is beautiful but most woman always needs to be reassured. Women don't get bored of attention. Women can be insecure and need that to be comfortable with themselves and their relationships. Some women will go off the deep end and assume the reason is there must be someone else. After time it can get to a point that they become depressed and when one person is depressed in a marriage it hurts both people. The worst part is when she fights and swears (which is way too far already because that is a loss of respect) you fight and yell back to defend yourself which makes her feelings worse.
She needs help, she needs to talk with a therapist about her insecurity. You need to have a long talk with her about the situation, start by asking her to listen and not get mad. When the yelling starts, just stop talking. Explain (even if she is yelling) that you would like her to listen and you will not say anything until the situation has calmed. Then shut up. Wait, no one person out there can have a fight by themselves. When she is ready to talk, tell her you love her, you want nothing more than to spend the rest of your life with her. Ask her to see a therapist together and ask her what you can do (within reasonable limits) to make her happy. She needs to understand that it is healthy for you to go out without her. But you too need to be respectful and understand that going out to play cards does not mean you go out all night. I personally don't feel any husband should be out after midnight. If my husband goes out after that we must be on the same page or it does not happen. She too needs to be able to go out, and I am sure that you would be more than happy to allow that. But, sometimes a woman has no one beside her husband. This can be ok. Maybe her night out she would prefer to spend the day out with you. Make it a movie night or do something fun that is not your everyday routine. This way she has her time out and she is still enjoying it with the person ahe wants to be with.
There is so much to be done and I can ramble on all day. Just be patient, stop the yelling and never, never, never swear at each other. Have respect and both people have to give.

Good luck!

[Lunchbox]

Thank you very much for your responses, it really means a lot to me that you guys put in the time to provide feedback and your thoughts. I've gotten some insight that I hadn't considered. I have suggested on so many occasions that we should go and see a therapist or counselor that there is no shame in seeing one, but the combination of being embarrassed, not wanting ANYBODY knowing about our problems and when she already has a tough time even speaking to me is making it tough for us to get anywhere. I don't think she'd open up to a counselor. Which is why I thought doing the 'dynamic marriages' class through our church would be good and fun until she found out that we'd have to share things with others, minor things, but that still bothered her. So I've taken a step back and I have gotten us to try and read more Christian marriage books together as a first step again and then she'll read something and then realize that how her outbursts, or what she says or how she treats me is not right . . but its only temporary, until our next fight. We do pray about this all of the time but the second she gets hurt again its back to the same cycle and pattern of crying and swearing. And as soon as she starts crying I feel so manipulated because at that point she's not listening to a word I'm saying and how do fight back against that?

I feel angry, but I also feel sad. In order for her to stop crying I have to tell her that I'm sorry even when I'm not, I try and console her and tell her its okay. If I don't, she'll get angry enough that she'll try and leave and drive in the state that she's in and then I'm scared that she'll get into an accident. I don't think my wife has any issues that can't be overcome at all, its just that she is super-ultra-hyper-sensitive. I think a lot of our issues have been related to her her relationship with my family who live in another country and we only see 1 - 2 times a year. And also with my friends. The irony is that my family has no idea that my wife is hurt with them. My wife tells me that its not them that she's hurt with and that I'm always defending them and putting them before her. But I don't think that's completely true either. My mother tries to call her regularly to talk with her and see what she's up to and develop a relationship with her. They do talk to each other somewhat regularly, but I've had to push her to get to that point. My family came recently and stayed with us for a week and had an absolutely wonderful time, they have no idea that my wife has issues with them, while they were here, my wife and I fought in the car about the same stupid things when nobody was around.

I am definitely not painting myself as a saint, but I really do feel that I've been encouraging and repeatedly telling her over and over and over just how beautiful and smart she is and that I don't understand her insecurities. I think a lot of her hurt stems from her not feeling #1 in my life, that I put my friends and family first. I don't agree with it at all but I always do try and understand why she's feeling like that. We do spend a lot of quality time together and I've also taken her on numerous vacations, we have been to all of the continents, we go to the movies together, play tennis together. Over the years there have been things that have hurt her, and she has definitely kept things bottled up. Small and big things that I think most people would find absolutely stupid.

For example, last year on my brother's birthday I called him in the morning to wish him and when I told my wife afterwards that I had, she got so upset that I didn't wait for her so that we'd call together. So upset that she was hitting me in the car while I was driving. I don't feel respected at all, I don't think she really addresses my feelings and because I think I've been soft with her, she keeps doing it. It makes me really angry because she doesn't do the same when it comes to her family? Last year on my birthday, she wanted me to wait and not talk to my family until her family had wished me first. I mean really, I couldn't care less but its the principle of it and I said to her I will answer the phone to whoever calls me first and that made her so upset, she didn't want me to answer the phone on my birthday when my parents happened to call first. Aren't these fights the stupidest fights that you've ever heard??? Its driving me nuts. I am always encouraging to her to keep working on her relationships with her family and my family and to talk to everybody regularly. Family unity has always been very important to me. I've always felt that life is too short to be holding grudges.

Recently it was her birthday and my siblings called her to wish her and her voicemail was full so they couldn't leave a message, they called my phone and left a birthday message for her on my phone, she saw the missed calls on her phone and the next day they tried calling again but this time didn't leave a message. About 2 weeks later, my wife out of the blue said to me if my siblings REALLY wanted to wish her a happy birthday then they would have emailed her if they couldn't get through to her on the phone and I immediately said that they tried to call you and your phone was full and almost immediately she started crying and screaming at me that I always defend my family. She was screaming while putting on clothes to leave the house and I had to hold her down for awhile until she stopped crying so that she wouldn't harm herself or the baby. A lot of my wife's hurt is from her not feeling that I don't put her first and her feeling that I"m always helping my friends and family first before her. I keep asking her what exactly is it that I'm doing that makes her feel like this because my parents and siblings aren't even in the same country as us and usually we only see them once or twice a year. But she has YET to give me ONE example, she just keeps saying it. When we are out with friends, she'll tell me afterwards that I'm always trying to make other people laugh, that i'm always trying to 'please' other people and that it disgusts her. Dak, a lot of what you said about your brother in your posting sounds VERY much like what is happening in my relationship. Usually we go and visit my family together but there was one time when she had to return home early because of work and I was going to stay a few days more and she kept texting and calling me to change my flight and come home early, this was after we had spent the entire Christmas with her family who also live in another country (she also only sees her family once a year) and after I hadn't seen my parents in a year. I didn't listen to her and stayed back to spend time with them, because like I said I only see them once or twice a year. Sometimes I don't feel like I have a spine with my wife or can argue with her because of how she reacts when she's angry, I feel like she'll harm herself and then I switch gears to keep her calm.

My wife knows that I'd never EVER be unfaithful to her, and I'm 100% confident that she'd never do anything like that to me either. Instead we're going to just be unhappy until the day we die.

We don't have kids, but we are pregnant with our first child. I didn't think of the perspective that was mentioned above on this. Maybe after our child is born that maybe my wife won't feel as insecure because we'll have a baby in our lives. That would be amazing. I want her to have friends that she goes out and does things with, friends she can talk to about me, i want her to find ways to vent and let out things on her mind to somebody. I want her to be happy. The fights now are absolutely no different than when she wasn't pregnant except now I'm trying to be more careful because I'm worried about the baby, I don't want the stress and and screaming and crying and yelling to result in something happening to the baby so now its even harder to properly talk about things. I have said to her on numerous occasions that every decision we make, everything we say, especially after our child is born will have an effect on the child and the child's upbrining and that we should really get into counselling now, but that logic is not working either.

Don't get me wrong, we have plenty and plenty and plenty of wonderful and fun days but that's only because we're not talking about the things bothering us. But my patience is running thin, the fights get even worse and I'm scared that this could have an affect on my wife healthwise. Because of our reliegious beliefs, I don't think either one of us will ever leave the other and instead we'll just be in an unfulfilled marriage until we die.

Sometimes I feel suffocated and like a coward because I feel like my wife is manipulating and controlling me, I don't think she sees it like that or feels that way, I dont think she'd do that on purpose either. I think the way she sees it is that she's hurt and I'm not dropping everything else in the world to address her hurt. But I am going to take the suggestions that you guys posted and what I'm going to tell her is that, if she wont see a counselor with me . . then I'm going to go by myself and that I will keep praying that she'll come with me. I may have to tell her after seeing a counselor because if I tell her first, she will definitely get angry and violent I hate that our relationship is like this. I am 100% sure that us just 'talking' without professional help isn't going to help her with the hurt on her mind. I have never done anything to hurt her on purpose but I don't think that she emotionally trusts me with her feelings.

How do I teach my wife that my feelings are also really hurt and that i'm not respected at all. My wife has so many incredible qualities, she's funny and she's ambitious, and i know that she loves me, its just that issues are really tearing us apart. Tina Turner's song 'Whats Love Got to Do With It' suddenly made a lot of sense over the years. : )

We'll see if going to a counselor on my own first works, but thank you again for your responses.

[Dak]

I am happy that you are an understanding person who wants the best for your loving wife. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope that will make a difference in your life. Pregnancy itself brings about a lot of things as women become very emotional.

There is nothing impossible with prayers. This will be history one day. Your wife needs to learn and appreciate your family. You still need to show love to your family no matter what. If your parents or your siblings are to learn about her they might not be happy with her at all. Butt you are a wise man, there are things about our partners we need not to tell our relatives as telling them can bring about more problems. My brother was regarded a stupid man as my elder brother kept on telling him to leave her as he (the elder) thought what she was saying was too much. This was because people have different minds, there are some who stick to their promises no matter what while others do not. That’s the reason why divorce is high these days. Now after 4 years of suffering everyone commends the younger brother for the unconditional love he had towards his wife.

I think the phone thing was really stupid, that could have been avoided at all cost and there was completely no problem with who starts to wish her happy birthday. She will get fine when you go for counseling; she needs to learn to respect you. Besides LOVE respect plays a big role in a relationship.

Keep on loving her and praying for your family. I wish you the best of luck as you are preparing to go for counseling. It will work just believe....