[epiphanie]

i've been married to my DH for 5 years. we got married when i was 21, he and i were both STRONGLY religious. we met at church, we dated a year and a half, until basically a church leader told me i should marry my now DH. i was a naive virgin bride, who ALWAYS did what i was told was right. my DH is a good man. i love him. we have young son together that is 1 year old. here's what i'm having a hard time with:
i get so lonely and sad. my DH is very quiet, and when he does talk it's mostly about electronics or things that i don't have much interest in. we used to both have the church "in common" but recently i've felt that the church we went to is not for me. i think this is hard on him, but i don't REALLY know as he never talks about anything like that.
i feel desperate admitting it, but i applied to RN school with my DH (before our baby was born), just so i could have something in common with him, and get to spend some time with him. (we are both nurses now.) it worked for a while, going to school together, we had things to talk about, but not anymore. (my DH is very concerned about hippa laws and he refuses to talk about work.)
i feel like a completely different person than i was when i got married. i have a desire to stand with my commitment to marriage, but i just don't know if that's best in the long run. i wonder if my son would grow up happier if he had parents that were happy (regardless if they were together or apart)?
i went on anti-depressants because i suppose deep down i hope the problem is me, because if it is, then i can change myself and be happy. it just isn't a long term solution, nor is it all that effective short term. i just keep wondering what my life would be like if i got to choose who i married on my own, because we fit so well together...
i miss getting to do things i liked to do, just because that's what i was interested in. i just feel like there is this gaping whole, and i've been trying to cover it my entire marriage. thinking, "first the leap of faith, and then i'll know it was right" type logic, and it's been 5 years and i consistently think of divorce.
suggestions? opinions? advice?

[bulatassy]

Hi, well i have just celebrated my 18th wedding anniversary and when I look back on my first 7 years of marriage i wonder how I survived. I am 7 years his junior,different cultures,professions and different views on so many things.
I went to live in his country and found myself turning into his shadow and an empty shell and i hated it.
The thing that changed for us was I had enough, i was loosing myself! I even told him I wanted to go back to Aust. He was hurt and shocked about the things I was saying but then i found he was also unhappy about alot of stuff..and he could see i wasn't the person he married.
After a long time and more disagreements we started the discuss what we both wanted and if we could help each other achieve our goals and make a happy life together. It took alot of honesty and communication to get were we are today...My point is we worked hard to stay together and if anything I love him more today than i ever did.
I also found us being different really helped as we are constantly learning from each other.
you owe it to your hubby and to yourself to sit down and tell him Honestly what you want to gain in your life and from your life together, he may not like what you have to say but I hope that he will accept it and help you achieve.
I truely hope u find the answers and recieve all the happiness for you and your family.
Good luck

[mcmama]

You were young, and didn't know yourself yet. And you still don't know yourself. I agree about the hippa concern, and also talking shop at home is not always the best thing.

What made you date this guy for so long? You must love him. There must be something about him that you love.

Guys do the electronic/sports guy talk thing a lot. But what are the experiences you have in common, that spark your relationship? That's where you need to go, not just building your world around him - and around those guy things that he really doesn't want his wife to be too close to.

You have to find the interests that make you happy, and also how to communicate better. Counseling will likely help. Divorce isn't really a good thing to go through if you still love someone or aren't sure.

[epiphanie]

Originally Posted by mcmama

You were young, and didn't know yourself yet. And you still don't know yourself. I agree about the hippa concern, and also talking shop at home is not always the best thing.

What made you date this guy for so long? You must love him. There must be something about him that you love.

Guys do the electronic/sports guy talk thing a lot. But what are the experiences you have in common, that spark your relationship? That's where you need to go, not just building your world around him - and around those guy things that he really doesn't want his wife to be too close to.

You have to find the interests that make you happy, and also how to communicate better. Counseling will likely help. Divorce isn't really a good thing to go through if you still love someone or aren't sure.

that's the thing, what we had in common, was a deep devotion to the cult we were members of. he is still a member of it, though not as thoroughly active in it as we once were, he genuinely believes it is the way to God. i don't know where to go with that. i'm as passionately opposed to the cult as i was for it when i was in it. we both grew up in it, and a majority of his family as well as my family are still in it.

yes, i care for him. do i feel like he's my soul mate or that i got to choose my husband? no. i feel like i could be somewhat happy with nearly any one that doesn't physically hit me, but maybe i wouldn't have to force it or fake it with someone i'm in love with. i try to weigh out the pros and cons of staying married vs. getting divorced and i just feel so screwed up from being brainwashed for i don't know what's right anymore.

i dated my now husband for so long because i kept feeling like it was wrong, that he wasn't the right one for me. i broke it off a number of times, and my husband would go through my family members to get me back. for example: he talked to my mom and she would then tell me "he looks horrible, like a train hit him, aren't you lonely? you're breaking his heart." trying to not hurt anyone if i was capable of preventing or stopping it, i would talk myself out of my decision to break it off. it was only after a church/cult leader told me i was to marry him, that i obeyed. i figured something must be wrong with me, that i didn't feel that way all along, if it was from God that it was supposed to be...who was i to argue with God?

now i can see that no man should be the so called mouth piece of God for me to obey with out question on everything that leaves this so called prophet type person's mouth. i was just young, i grew up with it, i didn't know people lived differently and didn't fear every day that they were going to hell. i have come to terms with some of the cult mentality, but i feel like i can't really be myself, because i don't want my husband to be unhappy.
aside from the cult, i did find myself liking sports and the arts, which my husband has no interest in. he makes it difficult to do anything i want to do because he's so opposed to it and will make snide remarks that end up making me not able to enjoy the activity anyway. it's not very fulfilling to have all the things i like be such a chore.

my husband has never had any friends the entire time i've known him. i am beginning to wonder if there isn't a reason for that, like maybe he isn't capable of connecting with people, so it's no wonder i don't feel a connection with him.

when i try to talk to my husband about not feeling happy, he automatically thinks it's because i forgot to take my anti-depressant. truth is, i don't forget to take it, and i'm tired of having to pop pills to take away my underlying unhappiness. i'm a nurse, and i don't feel like it's a chemical imbalance rooted problem.

[mcmama]

You should talk to your doctor about the pills and symptoms. It does become a crutch to avoid the truth - oh, she's off her pills again.

I did not realize you regarded the church you were part of as a cult. YOu are right, no one person can be "the mouth piece of God". Seriously, from your mouth to God's ear, KWIM? It is a sin of pride to take on this kind of arrogance - even those in church leadership who believe themselves to be representing God here on earth would not tell you whom to marry and when.

If your DH is part of it and you are not, then that is a fundamental difference. You have grown up and chosen a different spiritual path. He wants to stay with it. Presents a real conflict.

You both really need counseling, outside of the church, to facilitate communication with one another so that he sees it is not just the pills. Some men will go along with counseling in order to "help their poor sick wife". Then when it gets to be real, they want to quit. YOu probably need to see if that will happen.

Keep doing the sports and the arts. That's your thing. Doesn't have to be his. Being opposed to it and making snide remarks is something my ex husband used to do. He didn't want to connect to people outside his sphere, and he didn't want me being independent. That happens with men who cannot connect with others, period, and have to be told what to do by someone in authority because they are not empowered to make their own decisions. YOU are making decisions, and that may be scaring him.

You aren't going to hell. Sounds like you've already been there.

[DK615617]

Oh, that does sound like a tricky situation. How is he with your son, does he connect well with him, or is he distant with him too.
I would suggest councelling as well. I hope you find a solution.
From what you have said it sounds like you don't need the meds for a real problem as in you can't be happy, you need them to mask the problem that you are unhappy in your situation. If you never truly loved him, it would be possible to grow to love him, if he too were trying, but if he isn't that changes everything. Why not talk to him about the way you feel. Getting it all out in the open may help you feel better....and start you on the path to fixing things or moving on.
Good luck to you!! Keep us posted. I will say a prayer for you to figure out what it is that you want.

[mcmama]

With regard to your son - is he being raised as part of the cult/church you wish to separate from? Will this be a problem in divorce?

[epiphanie]

Originally Posted by mcmama

With regard to your son - is he being raised as part of the cult/church you wish to separate from? Will this be a problem in divorce?

as of now,our son is not. as i am adamantly opposed. i think DH is torn about it, but for now i'm winning the argument. i don't know that i want our son to go with out religion at all, but DH refuses to try any other options of religion than the cult.

[epiphanie]

Originally Posted by mcmama

You should talk to your doctor about the pills and symptoms. It does become a crutch to avoid the truth - oh, she's off her pills again.

I did not realize you regarded the church you were part of as a cult. YOu are right, no one person can be "the mouth piece of God". Seriously, from your mouth to God's ear, KWIM? It is a sin of pride to take on this kind of arrogance - even those in church leadership who believe themselves to be representing God here on earth would not tell you whom to marry and when.

If your DH is part of it and you are not, then that is a fundamental difference. You have grown up and chosen a different spiritual path. He wants to stay with it. Presents a real conflict.

You both really need counseling, outside of the church, to facilitate communication with one another so that he sees it is not just the pills. Some men will go along with counseling in order to "help their poor sick wife". Then when it gets to be real, they want to quit. YOu probably need to see if that will happen.

Keep doing the sports and the arts. That's your thing. Doesn't have to be his. Being opposed to it and making snide remarks is something my ex husband used to do. He didn't want to connect to people outside his sphere, and he didn't want me being independent. That happens with men who cannot connect with others, period, and have to be told what to do by someone in authority because they are not empowered to make their own decisions. YOU are making decisions, and that may be scaring him.

You aren't going to hell. Sounds like you've already been there.

i thinky you're spot on with this. it scares him that I'M the one deciding how to live my life. it also scares me too, to an extent. i've never had to decide on things for myself before, so i feel like i'm not very street smart and don't always think out every option before i decide. i'm trying to cope with this flood gate of decisions and to make the best decision every time something comes up, it's hard to be in control. not everything is as black and white as before. there are many shades of grey, and i look at things differently. like i'm an entirely different person. strange.
i just started going to a counselor, but have only been once, as she is constantly booked 6 weeks out. i'm hoping it will help. i can't find anyone that takes our insurance (my DH works at the hospital, so i figured it'd be great insurance, but not everyone takes it.) that isn't a member of the cult. that makes it hard, but also i don't know if anyone outside the cult would fully understand the emotional problems i'm trying to solve. i've heard of one lady that isn't a cult member and she understands how it effs people up, but it's really expensive to go when insurance doesn't cover it.
i guess what i'm saying is, i'm trying the lady our ins covers as a counselor and if it turns out she can tech me some coping mechanisms that actually work, then i think i'll be better off.
thanks for all the responses so far. it's made me feel like i'm not so isolated to have other people's thoughts on it.

[tristipie]

Hi there,

A couple of thoughts for you. When a person is attuned to a cult-type of mentality, as it appears your husband is and you once were, it becomes something that removes that individual's willingness to think as an individual. A church leader can offer you counsel, but should never make you or force you to do something that you don't feel good about. If that church leader is speaking words that God wants you to hear, you will feel good about it too. God wouldn't only talk to that leader and not to you -- God would also help you feel good about the advice you were given. It's part of having His light that we all have access to, when we are seeking it. God's plan for us is a beautiful plan of choices and opportunities to discover our own paths. Of course, He hopes that we'll choose a path that will lead us back to Him, but His way is not one of force. Freedom of choice is a gift from Him. We will either be blessed for our positive choices or have to encounter the consequences of some of our less positive choices, but the choice always remains with us. We should never be forced into making a choice that does not feel right for us.

Something else you said struck me. He's still a member of the cult and you aren't interested in being a member any longer. What would the consequences be if you were to leave? Would you be punished in any way by the leaders or by your husband? Would you be able to maintain a marriage relationship with him if you were to leave? Just as you can't/shouldn't be forced into a marriage you don't feel good about, you can't/shouldn't be forced to belong to a religion/cult if you don't want to.