[annharth]

My husband and I were playing with the idea of fostering emotionally disturbed teenagers. In my area, there is a huge need for stable homes for these children. After speaking to a number of people who have been involved in this program, I am extremely hesitant. I have a 16 and an 11-year-old. Both are well-adjusted with no more than the normal problems that kids this age encounter. The children that we would be eligible to foster are quite disturbed and, though I would love to give them a home with a family who cares, I am loathe to introduce someone into my children's home who may be detrimental to my family's well-being. Not only would a foster child take a lot of my time and energy away from my own kids, but it feels like it's possible that instead of helping a child with problems, I may simply be creating two more.
I would love insight from anyone who has any thoughts on this subject. On one hand I feel selfish for not opening my home to someone in need. On the other, I feel that doing so would be unfair to my own children.

[babydawn]

I would have to agree with you on not wanting to because of your own children. I think that although we should do all we feel we can do to help others in need, ultimately, our children need to come first. It could be very damaging to your kids. I think that you should wait until your children are either #1 out of the house, or #2 fully grown adults (you know, some children live with their parents through college). That way they will be able to handle the situation better, maybe even help out, and you won't be putting them in a position where they feel they come second. (Although I know you would never intentionally do this, there will be times when your own children need you but the disabilities and actions of the other children will require immediate attention, therefore, making your children, second in line). My mother in law does foster care and she always hated turning down children with major problems. She had offers of one that was violent, one that was basically a pyro, and one that had sexual issues....she couldn't have those things around her children. She always felt guilty for telling social services no. I hope I have been of some help.

[annharth]

Thanks for that. I agree with always putting your children first and I think we have decided to wait until our own won't be affected.
We had to make another decison in this vein recently. There is a big push in our district to put the kids in the local state school to boost the reputation and the numbers. It's a school with a lot of behavioral problmes and tough kids. I tried my son there when he was in first grade. It was a nightmare(literally - he would wake up every night with bad dreams.) I pulled him out and enrolled him in a private school within two weeks. We can barely afford it, but the fact that my son actually likes to go to school is worth every cent. I still get comments from people about how I let the community down and if we all kept our kids there, the problem would disappear, etc. Maybe so, but not by risking my child's well-being. I can't justify that, though some do.

[momsince86]

We have been fostering for six years. We have children but have chosen to foster children younger than our own. I was always afraid that my children would be exposed to too much if we took care of older children. I like my children to be well aware of the social issues that affect our society but I don't want them abused in thier own home. My daughter is now 18 and working with foster children in a shelter, she is persuing a career in psychology. I think alot of her decisions about her future were shaped by the fact that she grew up in a foster home. I am glad that we became foster parents when we did but I am always aware of keeping an age gap between our own kids and the foster kids. I have two boys also 16 & 12 and they are doing well.

[adoptionblessings]

Just a comment on the impact of a family who enters into foster care. I am an adoptee and have one older adopted sister 4 years older than I. My adoptive parents had many foster children before they adopted my sister and some foster children in the home when my sister was young. One boy was in the home for 2 years and my parents and sister became very attached to him- he of course was like a brother to my sister. A social worker intervened and asked the birth mother if she would desire to have her son adopted by a Catholic family for she was Catholic. My parents attended a Methodist church (This was not the birth mom's idea but an idea prompted by the social worker.) My parents said they would take the boy to the local Catholic school and church.They wanted to adopt him. And the agency denied their request and took him out of our home after 2 years in a loving family. He was adopted into a new home.(We met him several years ago as an adult and he never bonded with his new family- they were challenged with many issues by his inability to open himself up to others. He also has never been to hold on to a relationship with a women and also has been a traveling musician, never setting down roots)) My mom and sister grieved his leaving. My sister was only 4 and a half when he left and it was like her brother died. No one considered the impact on her. She shut down emotionally for a long time. My mother told me later that had they known the impact the foster care losses of siblings would have on my sister, they would not have chosen to do foster care after she was adopted. Something to be considered when the children living in a foster family are vulnerable to multiple losses when they attach to the children as siblings.
Jody

[shoshanna]

My husband and I were house parents at Buckner Children's home a few years ago and our house had 8 teenaged boys (ages 12-17). It was very challenging. These kids have a lot of issues and they express their problems in ways that you probably would not expect. It was also rewarding because at this age the kids are a lot of fun to spend time with and they really need positive role models.

Since you have teenagers in the home, I would really reccomend that you spend some time with teenaged foster children before you become foster parents. If you have a children's home in your area they are often looking for families to "sponsor" kids. Basically, you spend time with the child every week or so and you can take them out to dinner or back to your house to hang out. This would give you an idea of what these kids are like and whether it is something you want to do.

If you do decide to foster parent a teenager, I would really suggest that the child have his/her own room. When kids share a room they seem to be more likely to imitate each other and they have more influence on each other. If the kids have separate rooms then you are also able to spend one-on-one time with whichever kid is struggling, be it your own or the foster child.

If you decided to foster teenagers, just make sure you are prepared before you start. I will change your life. Now that I am familiar with the foster care system and the children who are in it, I don't really see the world the same way. bIf your family is already stable and your kids are doing well then you can probably handle it. And it certainly is a wonderful thing to do for a child. These kids really need kind, understanding people to love them unconditionally.

[nicki]

I have not been in this boat but have read a bit about it and talked to others. One thing I have learned is that it is rarely ever a healthy idea to foster or adopt children in a way that disrupts the birth order of your biological children still at home. In other words, always go younger than your youngest child. Although I do think you can run into problems in any situation, I think a lot of the big problems exist when you put older kids into a situation with your younger, more impressionable, bio-kids. Often times older bio-kids can actually benefit significantly from having young foster kids in the home because they can act as role-models and mentors.

Just something to think about.....

[HappyMomAnna]

The other service families might be able to offer in order to help the crisis situation with the teens in an area is to become Foster Respite care providers. In this situation a respite provider can take a child for a weekend or evening allowing the primary caregivers a BREAK in a safe, certified and trained home.
In most areas where there is a crisis for Foster Families in general there is an even bigger crisis for respite care providers.
In some cases, families such as mine might need help from trained, certified and able respite providers even after our child has been in our home and adopted for three years. Our little girl has RAD and sexualized behaviors and it is nearly impossible for us to leave our daughter and son with the same care givers as most people simply are unable to understand the fact you cannot take your eyes off a RAD child ever!
So by providing Respite care you can be certified as a foster care license and you can control what level of involvement you have with any of the children who might need a safe home for a weekend. You would not be committed to having any child live with you for an extended period of time and if it did turn out you have BAD feelings about a situation....the weekend is not that long to make alternate plans for the innocent children you need to keep safe.
Respite care is also something the children realize is NOT long term so the degree of negative behavior may be much less until the child gets to know you well enough to display it all.
Usually, respite providers work directly with an agency that establishes a database of families certified to provide temp care. The agency accepts applications from families Needing respite care and sends them a listing of the trained providers. The Family needing the care would then contact the respite family and "interview" them and everyone would decide if this is a workable situation. This means when you are working with the children you are dealing with their primary care giver and not a state caseworker who only sees the situation once a month.
I do have to say that I am personally opposed to families having older children placed for foster care or adoption while biological children are still young. While it often does work out just fine for families who make this choice the Opportunity for something very devastating does exists and the number one rule when you take your Life Guard Test is to be sure the situation is safe and that you can come out alive before you attempt to rescue another person....When we have little ones we love in our home some risks are too great!

[sfharper]

We just took over as "custodian's" of my parents adopted children because my dad got ill. So far our difficulties have been non-stop. We needed to rearrange the entire house in order to fit them into our lives. This took money and time but we handled it pretty well. Since the two, one 14 and one 9 moved in, the biggest difficulty has been with implementing discipline. We need them to follow a simple set of rules. When we insist that the rules are followed we end up with sullen behavior. When we ask that they do anything, the response is usually to only do half of it. It's not a pleasant experience so far. I'm hoping everything will improve.

[QueenAngie]

SFharper, you have to be a very loving Mom to have added two more to your household.
It requires much patience and nurturing on the parents
and I am really impressed that you and your family were able to do this.

(((Hugs)))