[karbeth]

I have been separated since last summer. My husband and I live apart, but he still comes to my place to put the kids to bed most nights, and spends approx 20hrs a week with them including wkends. Just started to have the kids spend the night with him on the wkend. My question is...what's normal or how many hrs/wk do other (non custodial parents) spend with kids? This is all very new to me and have been putting kids needs to be with their dad above mine, but it's becoming more diff. emotionally and need to have a diff. arrangement...Any thoughts?

[tymee]

My dh has his boys 2 nights a week until 7pm and every other weekend starting at noon on Fridays, until 7pm on Sundays...I think you need to come up with a schedule that works best for you. They have had this arrangement from the beginning.

[MissyChrissy]

Personally, I wouldn't do anything to limit my children's time with their father. Of course, I'm not a single parent, but I was raised by one. My father came home from work every night, fed us dinner, took us to our mother's for 2 hours, and came & got us. Every single night...for years. We stayed at her apartment when we wanted to (on weekends & any time during the summer). I believe it helped us accept the divorce-in fact, I don't recall any negative feelings about the divorce itself...only relief that they weren't fighting any more.

But my parents were unique I guess...once they were divorced, they let all the previous ugliness go & focused solely on being our parents. I don't know how it would have worked if they were still fighting each other about stuff.

imo, and based only on my own experience, I'd encourage you to "allow" your children to see their father as much as possible. Any limit-setting may cause your children to build resentment toward you. Children simply do NOT recognize their parents desire for a personal life. They only know they love both their parents, and want to see both their parents.

[mcmama]

Your parents were unique. It sounds like neither one of them wanted to use the kids to "get" the other.

You have to figure what works for you. My ex wanted 50-50, and that was a disaster that was imposed on us for over a year. It didn't work for anyone but him, and it was all based on his crazy work schedule. My kids were back and forth between houses every day - one day here, one day there. It was havoc on school, on their social lives, and my eldest was on anti anxiety meds and cutting himself, he had a huge fear of forgetting things and refused to work hard in school because he knew that anything he did or didn't do would be something to tear apart.

Me, I was just thrilled to be allowed to continue raising them. Their dad in the name of "involvement" wanted to take them away and "allow" me to parent them - ie do all the work.

What has worked for us (after he lost the 50-50 thing, trying to get it reinstated at the appellate level, because of "fathers rights") is every other weekend and every wednesday evening. But if the kid wants to go over there, I have no problem as long as there are no other overnight guests.
If your situation is difficult emotionally, there can be several things going on. He comes over to put them to bed, this can sometimes create a false hope for them that you are getting back together. And when he can't do that, because he is out of town, sick, whatever, will the world fall apart?

In the beginning, I had no problem with my ex coming over, but he abused the privelege, using the time to spy on me and set up conflicts for the kids to witness. It is very likely that for you it is time to formalize the agreement concerning visitation so that each of you and the kids can get on with building a stable life.

My ex is closer to our sons NOW that he stopped insisting on "Fathers rights" and kept to a regular schedule, than when he was intruding on everything we did so that he could look good and not be excluded. They are more likely to want to spend time with him.

[LuisaCN]

Hey Karbeth! It's hard, I know!
You have to find what works for you both. Our son was only 1 when we split and we decided that more frequent visits were better than longer less frequent visits. We have a parenting plan, which is required by law in my state, which has visitation (or parenting time) as every other weekend, and one visit during the week. Holidays, vacations and all that are also detailed. That being said, we do not follow the parenting plan, we just have it as a last resort, that is if we cannot agree.
What you need to do is balance your needs and the needs of your children to be with their dad. What will work for you and be good for your kids? My ex & I discuss every week what the time with our son will be. (He lives with me). For example, my niece has graduation this weekend, so I told him I want our son Saturday through Sunday for sure, so our boy will spend the night with his dad on Friday night. Last week I had a get together on Saturday night, so that is the night he spent with his dad. Dad has soccer on Monday nights, but before he signed up he asked if that would work for me. That's how we have worked it out. My ex had a hard time realizing that it wasn't about HIM but rather our son.
It can work! Of course, it will take time, tweaking and patience. I am sorry that you have to go through the difficulties, but I am sure it will all work out.
Good luck!