[Doubtful]

Hello out there! Thanks for reading and here is my story.
2nd marriage - 4 1/2 years. I'm 45 he is 49. I have 3 kids from another marriage he has been married before but no kids.
My husband is in complete denial that this relationship is in serious trouble. For me, it lacks chemistry, compatibility, trust, and communication. Anytime an issue or conflict surfaces, he will argue my feelings, put me down and turn it around so I end up feeling bad I have these concerns. As I result, I"ve withdrawn, become silently angry and resentful. We rarely have sex - because I'm not attracted to him physically and more importantly emotionally. I have given up trying to talk to him about anything other than "surface" talk. Yet he continues to come across that everything is fine and my moods are due to my job or issues with the kids or whatever he can blame it on instead of looking inward. I have brought up before that alcohol plays a big part in many of my issues with him. He gets angry, refusing to accept that there is a problem here. We both drink - my habits are a couple glasses of wine with dinner, and sometimes more on the weekends. He doesn't drink during the week but the weekend it's all about getting polluted. One issue I have with is I never feel safe when with him. I look for excuses to not spend time with him on the weekend because of this. Recently, we took a wkkd trip, went out for dinner, back to hotel, he was watching football, decides to go to the bar while I'm sleeping and left the door to our room WIDE OPEN. I woke up at 1:30am to shut off the hall light, he was still gone and I discovered the door. When I confronted him in the morning, he laughed, said "awe give me a kiss" and never once showed any remorse that I could have been robbed or raped while he was getting hammered at the bar. This is typical of his attitude.
The sad part - even if he quit drinking - I can't seem to find anything about him anymore that makes me want to remain in this marriage. I have to get things out in the open and be fair as I know how. My fear is his reaction which is usually intimidating me and turning things around and then pouting. Never have in the past when stuff comes up does it go any other way.
I'm open for suggestions - insight - anything

[Possibility_girl]

wow, if i woke up with the hotel door wide open id be pissed. the first thing i would suggest is to not allow him to manipulate you anymore, make a point and stay on it dont allow him to pull you off in the conversation, even if you just repeat the word over and over, then tell him, " i dont feel you respect my feelings" he is manipulative with you. the drinking too would be a straw for me. he should respect you enough to make you feel safe. Have you actually told him" we are in trouble"? have you really said exactly how you feelwith out fear of his reaction? i think you do, otherwise he wont take you sereously. If you dont really stand up for how you are feeling he will keep pushing you down, that is why he may be with you, he has someone he can push around. if you stand up to him you show him you are strong and worth something.

[Chipwag64]

This sounds like what I went through with my wife for many years.
I knew that things were not well and very foolishly thought that things would just work themselves out...DUH!!!(no offense to you, please).
I would confront my wife about things when I saw them but just as you stated, it would get turned around and the conversation would be,"but you...".
She would hardly ever admit to being at fault and would get very defensive and walk off.After many years of this I too would just get silent and give the cold shoulder figuring that it's no use arguing, she will never admit that this is a problem.
I should have stood up to her like a man but always felt as though I would lose her, not realizing that I WAS losing her by not resolving issues that needed to be addressed.
I would suggest that you just open up, show him the seriousness and urgency and just tell him straight up.."I will not let this go until we come up with a solution; you can get angry,but I will continue to bring it up".
For so many years my wife was depressed and miserable, didn't take care of herself and was unattractive to me, although I kept looking past that and bearing with it.Last year she started losing weight and a few months ago,unfortunately after an affair, she now wears makeup, puts her hair up and dresses nice (including lingerie which she never wore before) for me,and she now has aconfidence about herself, where before she had low self esteem issues. WOW!!! how I have been floored,and now see her so much different.
I hope that you can express to your husband how unattractive his attitudes and drinking and whatever else bothers you is for you, he has to understand how serious this is!!

Harry

[mcmama]

The hotel room door being left open because hubby had to go to the bar at a late hour does not just work itself out. And I guess nothing is going on when everyone is leading separate lives together. Sounds like alcohol for you is self medication, but for him it is an addiction. More disturbing is his laugh it off denial attitude. This is a serious indication of addiction.

I think you need to look in the mirror and decide if you are an alcoholic yourself, or if you are an enabler of an alcoholic, or both. Whether or not your husband goes along with it, you need a twelve step program to help you with your own issues of codependency and hiding from the problem. You both also could benefit from marriage counseling.

[Doubtful]

I can honestly say, before we met, the only time there was alcohol in my house was on the weekends my kids were at their dad's. If I drank during the week, it was usually at a work function but my role when I was home was mom. I beleive I do have a hard time setting boundries and as a result - an anything goes policy was born. I look at myself now and I can't function without a couple glasses of wine in the evening just to take the edge off of being around him. I have lost so much respect for both of us. I don't like him and I don't like who I've become.

[Possibility_girl]

admitting is the first step. now, get some counseling, look at who you are , and look at what you want to be. be truthfull to yourself no matter how muchit hurts

[chio88]

You said yourself that you can't find a reason for you to stay in the marriage. Don't get intimidated by him. Stand in what you believe in.

[browneyes01]

I understand the statement you made about not feeling safe with him I felt the same way about my ex he was adrinker and he darnk during the week on the weekend. one time while him and his friends were drinking in my den he fell asleep (passed out) and one of his friends came to the room that we shared together and sexually assaulted me mind you it wasn't intercourse but he touched while i lay asleep when I woke up and seen him I felt so violated ever since then i felt different about my ex because he allowed this to happen, don't want to get off topic but if you have no sexual or emotional attractions towards your husband anymore maybe you should end the marriage. you will only start to resent him even more.