[sbrowno]

I am recenlty married and the stepmother of an 8-year old girl. On a nightly basis her father spends about 15 mintues in her bed until she falls alseep. Also on a nightly basis she comes into our room in the middle of the night to have him come back into her bed. He typically will spend another 15-minutes until she falls alseep, however on occassion has fallen asleep and ends up spending the rest of the night with her. I've expressed my concern over this and have asked it to stop. It is creating a feeling of competition between me an my step-daugher. Although I don't blame her, I have developed very negative feeling toward her which I have tried hard not to express.
My husband has agreed that she is too old for this and has told her he will no longer lay in bed with her. This lasted one night and she is back in our room in the middle of the night and back in her bed. Not only do I find this inappropriate, but it has also sends her a message that what he says does not count. There needs to be boundries set, but my husband is not living up to what we agreed on. Any advice?

[purelegance]

personally i don't see anything wrong with it, especially since it's only for a few minutes. (minus the few occasions when he falls asleep - which who can blame him for falling asleep in the middle of the night?) if it doesn't bother him, i wouldn't worry about it. after all, he's the one who has to get up & you're the one who gets to stretch out and get the whole bed for a few minutes.

[Samual]

I totally agree with purelegance, out of curiosity sbrowno, do you have any children of your own?

[shawspear]

I think it's a little inappropriate; I'd rather rock on a rocker next to her bed for a little while (8 too old for a story?), then kiss her on top of the head, tell her I love her, then go. But I also think it's sad that you feel this little Tinkerbelle is in anyway in some competition with you. I mean he's her dad for heaven's sake! Little girls need their dads and I personally think you should find a way to not let their closeness bother you at all. In fact, I think it would be a wonderful and precious gift you can give to both of them to encourage them to be close and do things together and not feel jealous or angry or show disapproval in any way but on the contrary, be happy and loving for both of them. That will make your relationship with her and her dad much, much easier and happier for all of you .

[Alejandros Mommy]

Firstly Hello,

Secondly.. mind renaming your thread? It sounds like he is abusing her from the title.

I do this from time to time with my 10 year old. He is a wonderfully sweet and cuddly little boy and I don't see anything wrong with it. Just because you cuddle your child to sleep or sleep in the same bed as them, for comfort, does not mean that there is anything inappropriate going on. It is NOT a sexual act and although I understand that she may be using this as a way to get her dad to spend some time with her perhaps you could be a little open to it. Have a "bed" on the floor for her if she wants to spend time in your room. Set a few boundaries and both you and your husband need to stick with them. Its up to him to put his foot down so you are not perceived at the "bad guy". May be that she has had her dad alone for so long that she has difficulty sharing him. It will come in time.

[mrs_ray]

...It's his daughter. I really don't see anything wrong with it. There is no abuse, from the way you are wording things. You need to get it out of your head that you are "competing" in any way- because there is no competing with a daughter. You are his wife and his love for you may be equal, but it is very different. You are not competing for the same kind of love and therefor this should not even be an issue in your mind. IMO you should already know this, because you're the adult of the two females involved. She, however, has every right to feel like there is competition because she is a young girl.. And this may be her way of acting out that she may be feeling that someone else is taking over her role.. And this is perfectly normal for a child, especially female, with a new step mother. She will outgrow the issue in time.

Is the mother of the child a part of her life as well?

[jen0608]

I guess your husband is attached to your daughter that much. There's nothing wrong with that.

[shawspear]

. . . now that I think about it, I feel it's not right at all. You know it's not the same if mom crawls in the bed with the little guy but dad with little Tinkerbelle? Sorry guys, you can't trust them and unfortunately some dads do bad things with their little girl. Yeah, I know it's crummy of me to imply sumptins'up but well I wouldn't trust him.

Really I think dad should understand this and stop doing it. He should tell her, "sweetheart, I'm realizing it's a little awkward for me to lay in bed with you. You're becoming a big girl now (lie) and big girls need to be aware of some things about men. Not me, I'm your dad and you already know how dads are suppose to treat their little girls (previously told her), but other guys you need to watch out for because some may try to hurt you. It has to do with sex. Girls are sexual objects for guys, but not dads and daughters alright, we're different from all that. Anyway, usually sex happens in beds so it's a little uncomfortable for me to be in bed with you". Or maybe something like that. I may need to work on it a little bit more. Perfect occasion I think to start telling her about sex, women, men, and life. She'll start to understand, won't ask him to get in bed with her anymore, step mom won't get involved, everything perfect.

oh yeah step mom, if dad gives her this talk, she may start asking you questions about sex so be gentle and remember she and her dad are one.

[purelegance]

Originally Posted by shawspear

. . . now that I think about it, I feel it's not right at all. You know it's not the same if mom crawls in the bed with the little guy but dad with little Tinkerbelle? Sorry guys, you can't trust them and unfortunately some dads do bad things with their little girl. Yeah, I know it's crummy of me to imply sumptins'up but well I wouldn't trust him.

Really I think dad should understand this and stop doing it. He should tell her, "sweetheart, I'm realizing it's a little awkward for me to lay in bed with you. You're becoming a big girl now (lie) and big girls need to be aware of some things about men. Not me, I'm your dad and you already know how dads are suppose to treat their little girls (previously told her), but other guys you need to watch out for because some may try to hurt you. It has to do with sex. Girls are sexual objects for guys, but not dads and daughters alright, we're different from all that. Anyway, usually sex happens in beds so it's a little uncomfortable for me to be in bed with you". Or maybe something like that. I may need to work on it a little bit more. Perfect occasion I think to start telling her about sex, women, men, and life. She'll start to understand, won't ask him to get in bed with her anymore, step mom won't get involved, everything perfect.

oh yeah step mom, if dad gives her this talk, she may start asking you questions about sex so be gentle and remember she and her dad are one.

i really could not disagree with this more.

[Samual]

Originally Posted by purelegance

i really could not disagree with this more.

Same! Nothing like refusing to give your children affection incase you end up having sex with them!