[Tryingharder]

Hello,

I have read through the posts on this board and I have been very impressed with the advice, attitudes and approaches that people take in responding. So impressed that I am hoping someone can provide me with some help.

I am 5'6 and weigh 130lbs. When I met my husband three years ago I weighed under 105 due to a struggle with anorexia. After we began dating I realised that I was able to deal with my eating disorder and I began to eat and maintin a healthy lifestyle. He was supportive & we were open through this struggle of mine.
I began a new job at the beginning of the year and find myself often working 60 hour weeks. In addition I am attending classes and active in volunteering. My husband is trying to make a career in a field that he loves & I am the sole provider for the two of us. I have little or no free time.

We have been married only two months and even on our honeymoon it was difficult to interest him in sex. When I was thin this was never a problem. The problem is that he does not find my body attractive. I know that since I began my job I have not had the time to work out much (I currently work out about two times a week) and so I have gained some weight. A healthy weight for me is about 120-125lbs and this is where I feel I should be, but for the moment I am soft all over.

I know he thinks that I have a beautiiful face, but I also know that he is severely turned off by my body. The other day he phoned and asked me to get him something from our room. When i was looking for it I saw a letter he had written to himself, I shouldn't have, but I read it. It talked about how I was fat and how he hated my body and the fact that I do not work out as much as he does. It also said that he thought I was beautiful but also that I was too fat and that my bottom and stomach were disgusting. I have known that he thinks this but I it was difficult to read it in his writing.

Obviously I already have weight issues, but this just stinks. I love sex and now just feel ashamed and embarrased to be naked with him. It doesn't help that all of his actions and what he says mirrors the fact that he feels the same way. I have tried talking with him about all of this. Basically everything I have written here I have tried to discuss with him. His response is to say that he thinks I am beautiful. (My face)

I need to talk to him about this but I want to make sure I approach him in the right way. How do I communicate to him what I am feeling without him feeling attacked?
I will start working out more soon & my weight gain is not permenent but a big problem is that he is not happy with my body unless I am at an unhealthy weight (less than 110lbs). So this makes me feel like it may be his problem and not mine to deal with. In which case, how do I talk to him about that without hurting and angering him?

I don't know. This is difficult and I am so hurt and sad. It is difficult to put all of this in perspective as I am one of those people who just do not care about physical apperances. I feel muscles around my ribs twist through and around me so that my hurt is just unbearable. At the same time I want to deal with this in the wisest, honest way and I do not know what that is.

What do I do?

How should I feel?

I know this is long & i really appreciate someone reading it all. I really need advice.

Thank you!