[justmeagain]

I recently (2 days ago) was told by my husband that he has had multiple affairs over the past 7 of our 9 years of marriage. I'm crushed. I can't breathe, I can only cry. I haven't been able to keep anything down for the past 2 days, and all I want to do is sleep and cry. I volley between being incredibly angry, being absolutely terrified that I might have HIV or other STD's, and feeling so very sad, alone, and unloved. I feel like I will never be the same person again. I went yesterday and saw a counselor that I had worked with in the past for marital issues ( my feelings of anger, resentment, poor communication, unhappiness, etc.) and I could only sit there and cry and pray and try to breathe. It's still all I can do. I can't even think beyond this moment. I do have a friend, a couple, who has been mentoring us for the last month to help us strengthen our marriage who were with us when he told me. So I do have her, that I can talk to, but I still feel so alone.

[MiaCamille]

i'm sorry this has happened to you, i hope you find the strenght and support you need. Good luck!

[mcmama]

Multiple affairs. Over 7 years. Wow.

And what is your husband's take on all this? Is he sorry? Is he going to stop? Is he going to counseling?

Are these affairs quick and cheap, or ongoing? Anything bizarre about them? Other than the frequency?

Talk to us, please. We are here to listen. Many of us understand how devastating this is.

It can be very difficult to receive the support of folks who want to help you strengthen your marriage, which you do in faith, only to find that there isn't much of a marriage there to begin with and you are feeling weak with despair and disgust. And anger. Many of us know that the anger for this is very very deep, and takes time to express, channel, and heal.

[justmeagain]

My husband appears to be deeply remorseful. He says he is going to counseling and want us, in addition, to go to couples counseling. We went to a seminar for marriages in crisis a month ago. It was extremely healing and with the help of this mentor couple has allowed us to begin to communicate with each other again. I feel only because of this, and my recognition about how I had to start communicating with out anger and criticism, was my husband able to tell me this. I feel like we are starting over again, I feel like the last 4 weeks have been a joke, I feel angry that he has had unprotected sex with others with no reguard to what it would mean for me. I can't believe that he loves me because when you love someone you don't hurt them or act in ways that put their physical and emotional health at risk. He says that he decided at the conference that it was over and that he would never do that to me again. I'm struggling to believe him. What I am most angry about is that he still did not get tested nor did he protect me physically or emotionally from what he knew he would have to tell me for our relationship to heal after deciding, 4 weeks ago, that it was over. So he continued to put me at risk, with no thought but to himself. He did tell me who his affairs have been with but did not share that he knew the STD status on them until I confronted him about it after speaking with each one. He said he didn't want me to worry over nothing, I call bull on that and say that he is protecting himself. He tells me he loves me, I tell him the only way he can love me right now is with truth and he's still protecting himself. And all I can do is tell myself to breathe, because I can't do or feel anything else.

[mcmama]

Lets get the HIV thing over with. Get tested. And then get tested again in about 6 months. Then it is about what he COULD have done to you, rather than what he actually did. Get tested for all sexually transmitted diseases.

The seminar and mentoring probably put him on notice that the deception cannot continue, others are watching. He now has choices to make about his behavior. Maybe it worked on his conscience, and he saw his behavior as others see it.

Sounds to me like you have a real self centered narcissist there. Being at the crisis point, he has some decisions to make - you both need counseling for yourselves and together - and a major focus needs to be restoring your trust and honoring your faith. Not getting by until everyone forgets about it. Really living up to it.

You are entitled to be angry, and deeply hurt. Don't let anyone tell you to give that up too quickly. Those feelings are there to protect you.

[bhoneycutt]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can't imagine a worse nightmare coming true. That really is my worst fear. I think I would be reacting the same as you, doing nothing but crying. It sounds like it would be like mourning a death. The death of what you thought was a monogamous, good marriage. Suddenly everything you thought was true was ripped right out from underneath you. It's like someone knocked the wind right out of you. Again, I am sooooo sorry. I will be praying for God to give you strength to get through this harrowing time.

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))

[justmeagain]

Thank-you for the blunt responses. It's exactly what I need. I have been tested and will know the results Monday. Each day it get's a little easier to breathe for short periods of time. I still feel such sadness and anger, but I have started counselling and it helps. Sometimes for only short periods of time, but it helps just a little. I feel a huge need to be loved, for me, to not have to give anything in return. He is giving me that, says that he wants to give that but can't answer my questions because he says he doesn't understand them himself. Mostly the why questions, he has been honest about the facts. At least I feel he has, he's told me answers I didn't want to hear, that he knew would be hard for me to hear, so I can only trust it's the truth. I've set the boundaries that I can...sometimes I need him to hold me and tell me the reasons he loves me even though he can't yet explain to me why he did what he did. Sometimes I can't stand to be in the same room or even the same house and ask him to leave me alone. He does. It feels like I'm on a rollarcoaster ride with no track I go from breathing to suffocating. I go from trusting to complete doubt and fear. I'm so afraid of being hurt again but I also desperately need to feel loved. Not by friends and family, who I do feel love me deeply, but by him. That in and of itself is crazy, why do I still love him? I never thought that I would feel this way about someone who had hurt me so much. Oh I'm angry and afraid, again the whole rollercoaster....but I always thought this situation would be a deal breaker for me for our relationship. And now I'm finding that sometimes I want it to be and sometimes I don't. It makes me feel weak. It's still so hard to cope.

[Rebecca83]

I know exactly how you are feeling. I am on the roller coaster with you even though my ride is a little different. It has been 3 months for me. I cheated on my husband and in response to him finding out he cheated on me. We are both in a tangle of emotions. I however do not speak with the man that I cheated with but my husband talks to the woman he cheated with everyday! Mine situation is a little different. My husband is in the military and currently deployed. Although we still talk everyday there is so much anger.
My advice to you is to keep on with the counseling and when/if you feel ready ask your husband to join. I am also in counseling for this but it hasn't really helped much as of yet. I still don't know if I want to try to work things out with my husband even though I can feel that we both still love each other. I think my goal right now is to start to find myself and love myself before I/ we can decide to let each other back in. I do hope the best for you. Keep looking up, the roller coaster ride may take a long time to stop (that is the only bad part). Good Luck! And, all of us are here if you need to talk!