[anikilyn]

This is a long and complicated situation, but I’ll try to make it as short as possible. My family lives for putdowns. They take pleasure in making others feeling bad; always have. I now realize this is probably because they’re unhappy with their own lives, but they have no desire to change. They’ll never change, and I no longer want to be part of this environment.

There is enough drama for 2 soap operas, but here are the basics:
My family consists of 2 older brothers, 1 younger sister, mother, father, and grandmother. Parents divorced before I was 10 and we were shuffled over to my grandmother whenever mom had a new boyfriend/husband. Dad was rarely in the picture; he was always too busy with his latest girlfriend. Growing up, it was typical for everyone to ridicule you whenever you made a mistake; say how stupid and worthless you were and that you’d never amount to anything. I was their favorite scapegoat. This practice continues into adulthood. In their eyes, no job is ever good enough and none of my actions meets with their satisfaction. I can't do anything right. They call me everything from loser to screw-up to much more vulgar names trying to get their point across. They have tried to force me into situations because they don’t like how I’m “handling things”. Family gatherings are a special time – to try and verbally gouge holes in one another and try to make someone cry. Alcohol flows and the barbs fly.

8 years ago, I met and married Will. He has become the most positive force in my life. He supports me and my decisions and is always in my corner. When I lost my job, my family members went through the same old routine – you’re a loser; you’ll never amount to anything; you’re a total screw-up (yes, these are the NICEST things they said). When I came home repeating those slurs, Will told me those things were all lies; that I’m a good woman and a good person and I would find another job. Basically, he refused to let me cut myself down; refused to let me continue the job my family had begun. I’ve become a stronger person and finally believe in myself. I’m a good woman with a bad family.

I’ve tried many times to explain to my family how their behavior hurts us (they also attack my husband) and that it is NOT my husband's fault I won't see them as much. I’ve asked them to stop calling my husband names, told them I come around less frequently because THEY treat me badly and I don’t appreciate it. They won’t stop. To quote my mother, “Well, everybody does it.” I explained that no, not everyone does.

The first time I went to a family gathering of my in-laws, I was amazed. There were no putdowns, no back-stabbing, no name-calling. Here was a big family and…they all liked one another! My in-laws treat me better than my own flesh and blood. They're behind you supporting of your decisions. They comfort you when you’re down. They stand beside you in times of difficulty. To them, that's "just what family does."

It saddens me that my family refuses to even try to be pleasant and get along. But it bothers me that they also refuse to accept the fact that I no longer wish to be part of all the negativity. I told them how hurtful their behavior is. They laughed. I told them I don’t want to be around them because they’re cruel. They called me stupid and told me that’s how everyone is and to get over it. I did the opposite and tried to ignore them. I didn’t return phone calls. They came to our home and left hateful notes in the door. When they came to my workplace, I told them I didn’t wish to see them. Now they are accusing my husband of “keeping me prisoner”. How ridiculous!

What can I do to make them understand once and for all that I no longer wish to be part of the lies, verbal abuse, manipulation, negativity or malevolence? We cannot afford to move or take legal action.
Blood is NOT always thicker than water.
Ani

[mcmama]

You can't make them understand. All you can do is tell them. And if the harrassment does not stop, get a temporary restraining order. That usually shocks them. Gosh, it's not like they were, uh, abusing you, geez....Those are free, but if you want it permanent, you may need to hire a lawyer. Legal aid is sometimes an option in cases of abuse and criminal harrassment.

Wow, this must be a whole new experience for them - to know that their loser behavior is NOT normal. Sounds like you are dealing with some real borderline personalities who project their own faults onto your husband.

You and Will need to find a way to put some distance between you and the people you do not want tearing you down. Otherwise, this interference will interfere with your marriage, putting a strain on it.

When alchohol is a part of family gatherings and contributes to abusive behavior, you have a right to say, no, we won't attend. You are not OBLIGATED to put up with this. You are married, with your own household and your own obligations to yourself, your husband, and his family as well.

It may be awkward if you live close by or in the same building, but you have to set and maintain that boundary for your own sanity and for your marriage. And it does not surprise me if they try to blame Will for the kind of abusiveness that they engage in - people like this do not want to admit this problem and are very adept at pushing it off on others.

If you are too close by or in the same building, honey, you gotta move.

This forces those who love you to wake up and deal with it. The risk is that they just might choose to continue to embrace the dysfunctional as "normal" and reject you. Sounds like you really don't care too much about that right now.

You can't "make" them understand. You can just tell them, and if they don't get it, too bad. Bye bye. If your marriage is happy, then that is the most important thing and it comes first.

[MissyChrissy]

Check in your community for a victims assistance center. Call the police & report the harrassment. Cut them out of your life-they only want to bring you down.

I applaud you and I'm very happy for you. You're making the right decision...and believe me, once you're over mourning what they cannot be, you WILL BE a happy,successful, self satisfied individual. You WILL get to the point where they cannot hurt you any more. Believe me...I've been through similar.

[mcmama]

One other suggestion - when they come to your workplace, tell your supervisor and colleagues that they are harassing you and you want them to leave you alone. Restraining orders also cover workplaces too.

If you work in a setting where they have to transact business, (like you are a teller at their bank, you work in their doctor's office, etc) that could get pretty difficult for them. They just might learn a thing or two.

Must drive them nuts that others respect you.

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board, Anikilyn!

You have just met some new friends online here and we all think you are a lovely person!

Have to say that while not one of us lead a perfectly charmed life here.....we have all made mistakes at one point or another in our lives.

What is most important with mistakes is that they turn into learning experiences and we all have personal growth with those.

There is no reason for family to call you names or belittle you for just living life.

I would not allow a friend to treat me badly and remain as her friend......so, why would I allow a family member to treat me badly? That just is not a healthy relationship.

I'm so glad that you have a dear husband to support and love you
and
his extended family has enclosed you in their circle of love.

How wonderful!

McMama, I did not remember that the restraining order would also include your work place - like the bank, doctor's office, beauty salon, grocery store, favorite restaurant, or any other workplace location.
That is very interesting.

(((Hugs)))

[1angelinheaven]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am in a similar situation with my in-laws. I won't go into details for the sake of time (and my sanity). But I can tell you I agree with mcmama...stay away from them. I am currently living right in the middle of DH's entire family and they are all just like your family. I am in the process of finding a new place to live and I can't wait to move. They will try to interfere with your life in so many ways but you have to ignore them and stay away. It sounds like Will is very supportive and that's exactly what you need right now. Good luck and keep us posted!!!

[anikilyn]

Thank you all for the advice. I was at wit's end the day I wrote that - having endured a flood of nasty phone messages and 1 letter. Ugh!
Happily, we do not live in the same building or block. We are actually 10 miles away. I wish we could change our home phone, but cannot due to Will's work (too complicated to explain). I did change my cell phone number - you can imagine the problems this caused. Hence, the nasty phone messages at home. I started a new job that does not allow ANY visitors (sterile environment) and none of my family members even know where I work now.

This is a decent sized town, so we avoid certain family "hangouts" to avoid public confrontations. MissyChrissy, I only WISH I could call the police. My father is a long time member of the force and everyone on the force (and in the city government) knows him and most of them are buddies. It's great if you don't want a traffic ticket, but absolute Hell if you need help. We once contacted lawyers for assistance with a legal matter and every single one of them knows our last uncommon name and that my dad is a cop. Our only choice would be to move to another city and at this time, we are financially unable to do so.
I would love to be able to channel Jim Carrey or Robin Williams or some other on-their-toes comedian for a witty sarcastic comeback to all of their nastiness. Unfortunately, I'm usually left standing with my mouth hanging open in stunned silence. I always think of what I SHOULD have said hours later.
Until we're able to move, we will never be able to get them off our backs. I've been seeing a therapist (sometimes with Will) to help me get over the fact that I come from bad people and know that I AM a good person and my family members are bad. In fact, I am starting to refer to them as "relatives" because "family" implies a closeness that does not exist in this relationship. My therapist is a wonderful lady!
Thanks for you support and "listening". I would appreciate any "comebacks" I could practice for the next confrontation. I'm doing all I can to avoid them, but it will happen one of these days.
Ani

[mcmama]

Here's your response.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

When doing this publicly, do it loud.

If they don't back down, call the police. Even though your family is all connected.

Get a restraining order. Even though your family is all connected. File a formal complaint. Even though your family is all connected. The written harrassment is evidence. The phone messages are evidence.

No one in police work wants a judge to actually see evidence that they are abusive in writing or in messages.

If they do anything physically abusive, such as destroy property or block your path, use your cell phone to call 911. You don't have to give your last name, just your location - tell the operator that you are being harrassed and threatened and you are afraid.

Your family may be local, but 911 is regional. If you are in any danger, or there is the possibility however remote of family violence escalating, you have another set of eyes on the response.

Ask your therapist for social services help against abusive family members. You may have more help available than you think.

[QueenAngie]

Write the message on the palm of your left hand in permanent ink.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.


Put it right by every telephone in your home as a quick reminder.
Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

Put it on your bathroom mirror on a note.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

Put this note in your purse for easy access.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

Put a note on your dashboard where you can read it.

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

Any where else that you think would be a good reminder....

Go Away.

Leave Me Alone.

What part of Go Away Leave Me Alone do you not understand? I'll explain it for you just ONE more time. Go Away. Leave me alone.

(((Hugs)))