[DivasMomma]

I keep finding myself on this side of the forums....in all honesty I dont want to be posting here anymore, but I jsut dont know what to do!

Ever since the argument over the internet (finding out he was looking at adult sites etc) DH and I have been on edge with everything. Every little fight turns into a really big fight. Last night got REALLY bad.

I was really sick yesterday, but it was weird. I didnt have anything that hurt, I was just way over-exhausted and felt like i weighed a million pounds. It was hard for me to even lift my head off the pillow. Well, when you have a 2 yr old and a 5 month old there is no "breaks". I called DH and asked him to come home from work a little early. Now, early is 6:30pm....when he left at 6:30am. He did come home, but what do you think he did? Got into bed and fell to sleep! What was the point? I finally got him up at 7:15 to make dinner since the girls were both starving. He made hotdogs (the only thing he can make ) and sat on the couch and turned on the TV. So, i get up and get our oldest in the bath, feed the baby her dinner, and get everyone in their PJ's.

Now I understand he works long days, but he doesnt do much work. He is a supervisor, and he tells me all the time how he did nothing but sit around all day. I may not GO to work, but I sure dont get to sit around all day! He never once asked me if I felt OK, or if he could get me anything. Its like he could have cared less that I felt like death!
I got into the tub and 5 mins later he comes bursting in and says this exactly "You need to get out now and wash me some bottles!" And meanly too!!!! I told him to go away and do it himself. Well that didnt help matters....

Finally at 10 I went to sleep. The baby woke up at 2am to eat, and he refused to get up out of bed. At this point i was super nauseous. I went into the kitchen to warm her bottle, and see EVERYTHING from dinner still laying out, food, bread, ketchup, plates EVERYTHING! I went back into the room and asked him to go into the kitchen and clean up from dinner. We just moved here and its really nice. I really want to keep it this nice for as long as possible (with the 2 girls its next to impossible to keep anything nice!) He just rolled over.

The alarm went off for him to go to work. I asked him to please clean the kitchen before he left. 5 mins later he comes storming into the bedroom telling me hes late and everything was rinsed off including my "soup bowl that I left on the counter" I said "Im sick! Cant you just helpl ME out for once?" That was pointless, he told me I was fine and to grow up.

I looked at the clock right after he left, and it was 15 mins before he normally leaves! So i make my way out to the kitchen....nothing was done. Onion rings are still sitting out, his plate w/ hotdog and ketchup is still on the counter...dishes were piled super high in the sink...



sorry this is so long but i didnt want to leave anything out. Why is he doing this to me? I clean, cook, and take care of the kids 24/7! Why when I ask for some time to myself does he act like a little kid?? Its not like I asked to go out, I just wanted to lay in bed to catch up on my sleep so I can feel better!!

Any help on how to deal with the situation before I leave him would be GREATLY appreciated!

[songbirdxx]

Divasmomma,I do not have time at present to go into a better reply.Duty calls and I am meant to be working on business emails! I really just wanted to say,as long as your dhs 'viewing' is not really nasty hardcore, or illegal,or perverted, or habitual,why are you so worried about it? I personally can't be bothered with it and it does nothing for me or Dh,but each to their own within reason.Obviously such a thing should never ever get into the hands of minors,but in private, really!whats the big deal? as long as it's not behind your back and he is not lying about being turned on by a few sexy pictures! This seems to be the catalyst for your anxiety and personally I wouldn't bother, as long as it wasn't any of the mentioned stuff! You know him best though!I am talking about regular people with no perversions, obviously!

[DivasMomma]

well the adult sites really dont bother me--much. Its the lying about looking at them, when he knows perectly well that I know him enough to tell when he is lying. It was more the ads on craigslist that bothered me the most, only because they arent models/actresses doing their job, they are real people, in OUR area trying to make money by selling themselves. The fantasy part of it all is just fine, its when he starts bringing it closer to home, and they are 'real' people.

We dont really fight about that issue anymore though..it jsut seems like since that argument things just havent been right btwn us.

[songbirdxx]

You both must be exhausted with 2 young children.You have to take the highs with the lows in family life ,if you want to hold it together.Perhaps he is frustrated and doesn't feel fulfilled at present.Ask him!No excuse to lie to you though.Tell him to feel free about sharing all his thoughts and anxieties with you Difficult I know, especially if he is tired and grumpy!

[mama2riley]

Sorry you are going through a rough time. Being a SAHM is more than a full time job and I agree, just because you don't leave the house to work doesn't mean anything. And when you are sick it makes it a hundred times harder- lots of us have been there. I personally think the adult sites is a big deal. When you make a marriage committment to someone that should be mind, body and soul. If he is looking at other women he may not be phycially sleeping around, but he is mentally not being faithful to you. Not a big deal to some people, but I wouldn't be okay if it were my husband in any way. It could be a sign of something deeper going on there. And aside from that, maybe you should sit down and have a serious talk. It sounds like both of you work hard, long hours, and maybe you need to come up with a plan of how to share some responsibilities at the end of the day. Maybe if you can agree on different chores to take care of or divvy up the days of the week to cook/clean up dinner and get the girls to bed it might help. You guys are a team and need to work together - I hope gets better for you soon!

[1stTimeMomOf2]

Hey girl. I'm sorry that things have gotten worse. I don't really know why he's acting that way...perhaps it is because he's mad that you caught him and he's not able to do what he wants because you're on to him. Maybe it's because you told him to grow up when you had that argument so he's throwing it back in your face. I know it's hard but I'd have to have another talk with him and tell him that you know he's upset but it's not fair of him to take it out on you when you're not feeling well or to take it out on the family because he doesn't want to help out. He is an equal part in the family and has responsibilities. And make sure you point out to him that yes, he may go to work but you WORK too. If he doesn't believe you then when he has a day off of the weekend tell him you're going to spend some time running errands etc and leave him with the girls all day and see how he likes it. It would be a plus if the baby was extra cranky, but I know you can't plan that. lol. Hopefully - after the talk - things will start getting better. Times heals all things as well, so please don't leave because of this you and your girls need him even though right now you don't want to believe it.

[deedee1231]

Divasmomma, if it bothers you that your husband is looking at porn on the Internet, then it bothers you and that is that. I am sure there are plenty of women for whom this would be no big deal. You are not one of them. It would certainly bother me a whole lot and I would not try to get used to it or brush it off as no big deal just to keep the peace. Why on earth should you have to compromise your principles, let alone make adjustments on what kind of material is allowed in your family's home in front of your two little daughters, just because your husband wants to look at that stuff????

In his own head, your dh probably has convinced himself that he isn't doing anything wrong by looking at this stuff. After all, it is on the Internet, so it is not real, right? Wrong! What if you had a boyfriend here on families.com? It is just on the Internet, it is not real--would that be ok with dh? Of course not! And when he "brings it closer to home" like you said about the ads on Craig's list, well that is just disrespectful to your marriage--which he makes up half of --therefore he is not just showing you disrespect, he is disrespecting himself, as well!!

It sounds to me like he is mad that he got caught and mad because he wants to continue doing it but he can't because he knows you will find out so he is pouting about it and acting like a child who didn't get his way. The fact that you two aren't arguing about this issue anymore, but it is still very much in the room, like the big white elephant that no one wants to be the first to acknowlege really concerns me.

This thing is something that you two are going to have to work out between you. It is a pretty big issue for a young couple and you are both going to have to work hard to get it resolved. Is there any way that you can go to a counselor? I know that it can be hard to get a dh to go, but you two need help to get this thing sorted out.

[songbirdxx]

Oh! how I agree with you in principle mamma2reilly.Give me a man however, who would pass a lie detector test, if they said they never looked at another, or had the odd fantasy here and there, I doubt very much any of them would pass It is normal!I dont know of any other couple that have a happier or closer relationship together than Dh and I and we love each other deeply and no-one would ever match up in either looks, physique (phew)!or personality in my eyes!but I still look ,Don't you?

[deedee1231]

Songbirdxx, I have to disagree with you on this one. Is it normal to look? Maybe. I think that people generally notice an attractive person if they happen to see one on the street or in a shop. And who doesn't have a favorite actor or actress who they think is a total hottie? And that is pretty normal behavior for either males or females.

When dh is accessing pornography on the Internet, that is something else entirely. That is not a happenstance occurrence that leads to a covert appreciation for a shapely feminine form--that is dh actively seeking out women who are exposing their bodies for the sexual gratification of others. Why should a happily married man need to do that? That is the question that I think Divasmomma is asking herself, and I know I would be asking as well if faced with a similar set of circumstances.

[MissyChrissy]

(((HUGS))) He's being a jerk.