[slygirrl]

Ummm okay....

Dh and I had a fight this evening and finally I was like ya know what? Let's forget attacking eachother and tell the truth about things. Stupidly I thought we could work this fight out (which was over something stupid- I moved the boys' stuff around and he didn't like the way I moved it so he started screaming at me over it). So then he says to me "I love you but there's nothing there".... I was like when did this happen? He's like probably the last leg of your pregnancy. Okay that being said why even bother staying with me the whole time I was in the hospital and being so adamant about it to our families that he "should be there". I'm like "Why bother because it means nothing now that you did stay!" He's like what? So I can look like a bigger jerk? I'm like what is your deal with "how you look"?! Our relationship isn't about other people. So I walk away because I will admit, in most cases this might sting a lot having it said to you, but he has pushed me so far in previous threats of leaving as well as instances with third parties (though he never cheated- at least that;s what he says) that it stung a litttle, just enough to make me cry for a minute then I stopped. So I go back in and after his statements about how it's all his fault because he works so much (he works midnights 48 hours aweek, and when he is home he goes on the internet for a while when he does get home then goes to bed, essentially speanding NO time with me or the kids) he has the audacity (sp?) to say to me if he didn't have to pay child support he would file for divorce. I'm like so let me get this straight, you're staying with me so you don't have to pay child support? And he said yes. Now wtf am I supposed to do with that?! Like are you kidding me right now?! And for anyone who might think the internet has something to do with it, I'm not so sure. I have this thing so tapped with stuff that I would KNOW. I've had it happen before and I found out through everything I put on here (I did put a keylogger on once).

Then, as if it wasn't enough already, I get told I'm boring because I don't want to go out and gamble or go drink... I'm boring because I want to do the dinner and a movie thing... I'm 27 years old with 3 kids.... I kind of don't see the point in either one of those things. My party days ended when I had Devin, nothing has changed about that and it's been 6 years.....

I guess what the deal is is this, he can sit here and say what he did to me, but preach about how his kids are his kids, blah blah blah, you know what? He doesn't act like a father anyway so why even preach to me about it when it obviously isn't the whole truth. I do EVERYTHING for and with my kids, sure he brings home a paycheck, but that's about it. Emotionally, no one is home (with him I mean)... Now what? I've had enough of this and I'm beginning to see (as sad as it is that duped myself into this, but maybe this comes with emotional abuse which I've abviously been through) that my marriage doesn't define me, and how everyone sees me if I do leave doesn't really matter. Honestly if I did leave I think everyone in my life would understand why..... but where do I go from here? I have had probably the most hateful thing said to me now by him..... what am I supposed to do with that?!