[clandesto]

I've been married for almost 5 years. I haven't loved her for the last 3.

I'm confused. I've been struggling with trying to make my marriage work. I've made myself so exhausted by making compromises for her.

~ We bought a house (because she wanted to settle down. I wasn't ready but I gave in)
~ She went of birth control (that's all she's ever wanted is kids. I'm not ready but I gave in)
~ I found a new job (I wanted to move away as I've lived here all my life but she wanted to stay close to her family. I gave in)

As you can see all the above information is kind of tied together. A job, a house, and kids. These have all come about over the last 3 years of marriage, because, I gave in and wanted to make our marriage work, or rather stress free.

However, I'm exhausted. I haven't loved her for 3 years, but I've put on a show and now I'm done. I can't be married like this anymore. The crazy thing is...she's a good person. She has a good family, and we're financially stable. But, I just feel lost. We got married when I was 20 and she was 19. I feel like I've grown up and matured and she's still stuck in the "honeymoon" infatuation period.

I have some baggage. My dad left my mom when I was very young and he's just a jerk. I try to have a relationship with him but, he doesn't care.
My mom was killed in a domestic violence dispute with her 3rd husband when I was 17. I was in the house and her cry out " God Please Don't Let Me Die" So... I have a lot of trust and faith issues. I think I got married to try and fix some of these problems but, obviously I'm wrong.

I don't feel it's fair for her to be married to me because I don't love her. And I don't think it's healthy for me to be in a relationship where I'm constantly compromising myself. I was raised in the church and I go to church...but, I don't know what I believe.

I'm pretty sure divorce is right around the corner. I'm just curious if there is something I'm missing.

Any thoughts?

[hennypenny]

A marriage won't work if you play the martyr and 'give in' all the time

[slygirrl]

Most people would say go to counseling, and that MIGHT work, but given the specifics you have laid out alone, I don't think that will help. But PLEASE DON'T bring a baby into this. You say it's not fair for her to be married to someone that doesn't love her and it's not fair to you to have to compromise all the time, well it's definetly not fair to an innocent baby who didn't ask to be born into all this turmoil. I think you need to talk to her. This is going to be one of those totally unpleaseant and possibly Earth shattering discusiions but you need to have it. You can't stay with her because you feel "obligated" to, in the long run all it's going to lead to is infidelity issues because you don't love her. And that, compiled with how you already feel about your marriage, is dumping eight times more unnecessary pain onto things. Simply put, man up, talk to her about how you feel, yes it's going to hurt and yes it's going to be a discusiion you don't want to have, but in the long run you guys are only going to make eachother miserable and that's not fair to either one of you. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[jenk78]

Get out now, before you have kids. You may think that it's not fair to her, but it's more fair than being in a marriage with a husband who doesn't love her. Sit her down, lay it out (gently) and cut your losses while you can. Kids will only compound things...save both your lives and end it now. Oh, and there will never be a "good" time to do this...just get it out as soon as you can.

[clandesto]

Thank you all already.
I didn't know how much to post on this forum and so, I guess I need to expand a bit more.
I already sat her down and told her. 2 weeks ago, actually. I told her how I felt. That it's been a long time since I've really loved her and that I didn't think that anything we do is going to change that. SHE'S devastated. She never saw it coming, because I never told her how much my compromising was ruining my life and our marriage. So the "talk" came completely from left field. We haven't slept together for about a month because...it's not fair for either of us. So...no worries. I have no intentions of making a baby. That is clear.
I'm just torn. We've been together for a long time. We have lots of mutual friends, we both have amazing families. No one has any idea we're in trouble.
I've started seeing my therapist again... from when my mom died but... that's for my own gain. I'm not seeking help for my marriage. I'm seeking help for my life.
I told her I needed space and that I would stay in the spare bedroom. Well, she talked to her friend and her friend's husband came over and gave me the tenth degree about how it's not Godly and that it's just Satan. So, we're still sleeping in the same bed. Fully clothed. It's just weird. How do I put my foot down and tell her WE NEED TO SEPERATE?
Thank you all so much. It's a tough spot because...my life is really good right now...it's just my marriage that sucks.

[2BoysMomma]

First off, with this being such a problem between you and your wife, neither of you need to bring outside friends into the situation. It is good that you are identifying the problems and have talked to her about it, but now you need to move one step forward and figure out what you want exactly and let her know and she needs to do the same. If you feel that you need to get out, then giving in to her is not going to help with that. It sounds like you have given into her by sleeping in the same bed, almost like she may not fully understand how much this is an issue for you. If a trial separation is what you feel you need, you may have to take it upon yourself to do the separating because it doesn't sound like she has plans to.

[ARGrandma]

My son is in almost the same position. He has stuck it out for seven years and is totally miserable. I say "Get out as soon as possible and don't waste anymore of your life being miserable".

[QueenAngie]

Welcome to the board!

Are you certain you don't want to go to marriage counseling?
You have put years into this marriage.

Marriage does have a lot of give and takes. And there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the actual truth.

So sorry that you are going through this stress right now.

Have you discussed your marriage w/ your counselor? I think that would be a good step.

If you are certain the marriage is over....get out of her bedroom.
That is unfair of you to sleep in the same bed.
Tell your wife you are moving out of her bedroom
and will be looking for an apartment soon.

Wishing you both all the best!

Let us know how it turns out.

[clandesto]

Originally Posted by QueenAngie

Welcome to the board!

Are you certain you don't want to go to marriage counseling?
You have put years into this marriage.

Marriage does have a lot of give and takes. And there are three sides to every story: his side, her side, and the actual truth.

So sorry that you are going through this stress right now.

Have you discussed your marriage w/ your counselor? I think that would be a good step.

If you are certain the marriage is over....get out of her bedroom.
That is unfair of you to sleep in the same bed.
Tell your wife you are moving out of her bedroom
and will be looking for an apartment soon.

Wishing you both all the best!

Let us know how it turns out.

I've committed everything to work it out. Weekly dates, A "second" honeymoon, We read the 5 Love Languages, Did a marriage workshop series. All to no avail. I have nothing left. I feel empty and worn down. I think marriage counseling would probably just be a waste of time and resources.
I am seeing a counselor and I'm hoping I can make it a peaceful seperation, but, I know if I "walk it out" it's gonna be hard no matter what.
As far as sleeping in the same bed. I agree. It's time to stop the shenanigans.
Arghhh. My head hurts, because I know what has to be done. I'm just stuck with a personality that desires everyone to like me. This will be the first time I compromise my personality. But, I think the change is necessary for everyone.
Any advice on how to tell her I'm "moving" out. We bought a house last year and so the financial aspect is a little stressfull in that regards. My guess is to sell the house...but... I haven't spoken with a lawyer. We both work, and have good jobs. Am I gonna get stuck with Alimony or anything like that?

[2BoysMomma]

You should probably seek the advice of a good divorce lawyer as far as the finances are concerned. It could be a semi-peaceful separation with little court time or it could be a knock down drag it out fight. You said it is your personalitly to want to please people? I have known many people like this and most of them were not happy until they decided to quit pleasing everyone else and please themselves. This isn't the same as just saying screw you to everyone and not dealing with your responsibilities, but does mean finding peace with your decisions and yourself. Trust me, if you are not happy, you have a hard time making others happy. It is very important for you to pursue your goals in life and find someone who compliments you as a person and that you do not feel like you have to give in to all the time. Relationships (esp marraige) are give and take, not just give or take.