[Stacey4515]

Hi, I am new to this, so please bear with me. This may also get kinda long as I have alot to say and ask! I need some advice ASAP! My 13 y/o daughter has gone to live with her father (who lives 45 minutes away from me) stating that she "wants to know what it is like to live with him." Her father is married to a woman that has tried, ever since they started dating, to be my daughters friend instead of acting like a parent. My daughter was 9 when they got together and I almost had my ex committed to signing over his rights. He was more than $20,000 behind in child support and never came to see his children. My husband now has been apart of my daughters life since she was 4 and was very willing to adopt my children. Then in walks the step-mother. She convinced my ex that he should be apart of his childrens lives. Okay fine, but I told him the next time he calls and has them get ready to go over to his house and doesn't show up, thats it. Well my children started going out to her house (thats where he ended up living) on a regular basis. My 9 y/o daughter started coming home and asking me things about the child support. Example: She wanted a new pair of $100.00 shoes for school that she knew I wouldn't buy her, she asked her father and he told her to ask me because I have all of his money (still wasn't getting any child support). She also started coming home with make up on, which she knew was against my rules, because a 9 y/o doesn't need make-up! I talked to her father about this and he said that he would not allow her to do it again, well the next time she went out there and came home, she had make-up on her face again. She said that the stepmom and her were "experimenting". Then a few months later my ex ended up in jail because of failure to pay child support. The stepmother called the Division of Family Services and either acted like me (she had all of my ex's papers) OR she used her case from her ex husband with whom she has 2 daughters. She told my ex's mother AND my daughter that there was supposedly some kind of paper that I could sign and he would get out of jail. I told her there wasn't and that started a war! I ended up calling the assistant prosecuting attorney's off and she told me that the paper that the step mother was talking about was an official court document paper stating I had received all of the back child support. The Assistant attorney then told me that she would have to prosecute me for perjury because she knew that I hadn't received the back support. So my ex was in jail for about 2 weeks. During that time the stepmother started calling my daughter daily to talk to her. Even after my ex got out the step mother would call, or my daughter would call her, almost every day until my daughter moved in with them back in August.
In the midst of all of this, my daughters attitude became very undesirable and very disrespectful, especially to me. If I grounded her for her attitude, I would get "told on" to the step mother. There have been times when the fighting between my daughter and I had escalated to the point that I called the police because she tried to hit me. I took her to a psychologist, because she always feels like she should still be entitled to everything, even when she has done something wrong, which she would never admit to, even if caught red handed. The psychologist said that she has an over heightend "sense of entitlement", but never told me how I could fix it ir help my daughter. Then she started having some problems in school and the coubselor also recommended seeing a psychologist again, which did nothing! The whole time my daughter is constantly talking to the step mother and if I did something or say anything to her that was correcting her attitude, the stepmother (not the father) was told.
My daughter is a swimmer and a very good one. When she had meets even in town her father and stepmother would never go. Then she moves in with them and goes to a different swim team that is 2 hours away from me and an hour away from her and then they can never get her to swim practice. She has not swam since February and won't swim again until September. This completely against everything that she had wanted. She was the one who told me that she wanted to go to the 2012 olympics, but you can't do that if you aren't swimming. They "put" her on this other team so that she could get a personal trainer, supposedly, but you have to have "gold times" which my daughter was just under. They said that if she was able to get to practice more often, she would have been able to. The stepmother now has a sticker on the back of her car that says "swim mom". To me thats a slpa in the face just proving that she wanted to take over my daughter, because she for some reason resents me. My daughter has gained 30 lbs since moving out there. She rarely has time to come back here, because of her so called social life. She is not swimming, her brother thinks that she is smoking and I believe that she may be drinking. She is playing softball, but she doesn't practice like she should (step mom's the coach). I can't talk to her father because he really doesn't understand anything (he's a mama's baby and never had to do anything for himself) and doesn't really care whats going on as long as he's not being bothered.
This past Saturday was my daughters 8th grade dance. We were supposed to go and find her dress together since I wouldn't be out there to see her. She found her dress with her stepmother and asked for me to pay for it. I still haven't seen it. Her stepmother took her to go tanning before the dance, but they don't have any money for anything else, like swim practice. Who takes a 13 y/o 8th grader to go tan? Then the night of the dance, my daughter says that her and her friends were picked up by the step-grandparents (stepmothers) at 11:30 pm., Really? Do 8th grade dances really last that long? Then the grandparents took them to Denny's and stayed with them while her and her friends all ate, THEN the grandparents took them to the MOVIES!!! At Midnight??? They didn't stay with them, they were picked up by the step mother at 1:30 in the morning!! This is the same woman who texted a girl my 12 y/o SON likes and told her that he thought she was hot and that this little girl should come spend the weekend out there when my son goes out there! I had to tell my son that was completely inappropriate!!!!!! And here my ex says that he wouldn't allow his daughter to do half of this stuff, but she's doing it because of her step-mother!!! I don't know what I should do, confronting the step-mother doesn't bring my daughter back and my daughter is at that age where a judge would pretty much ask her where she wants to go. She literally dropped all of her friends where I live to go out there and do who knows what! Maybe I'm completely off base, but this woman (I feel) is ruining my relationship with my daughter and she is becoming HERS. Is there anything i can do? I appreciate anything someone has to say!!

[ruthann8]

First, take a deep breath and relax. Your daughter is at that age. She is not going to like her mom (or whoever does the discipline). I was awful to my mom, I was really really mean. We even got into a few physical fights.

I’m not sure what can be done about the step mom. But these types of battles are quite common in divorces. Maybe you can get family consoling with all of you and decide how discipline issues should be done and make a set of family rules. But that didn’t work for us b/c my dad never followed through with what he was supposed to.

As for you relationship with your daughter, please remember she is 13 and won’t be like this forever. Just continue to be a good parent. In the long run it will work out. My mom and I are best friends! We talk on the phone 3-5 times a week for over an hour each time! She visits monthly!