[lostsoul]

I'm almost 30 years old and have been married for almost 8 years and have two boys with one on the way. The past five years, we've grown far apart due to complications in pregnancy. Well about a month ago, I started connecting with an old friend from high school. I had feelings for her that go back almost 17 years. Problem was, there was always one thing after another getting in the way of us being together. I finally gave up and married my wife, just to find out a week before that she (my friend) was free and had feelings for me. I've dealt with that all through my marriage OK I guess. I'm always wondering what if... About four years ago, my friend got married. It was then I knew it was over and there were no more feelings for her.

My wife and I seemed to have stopped communicating. None of my friends have ever liked her because they call her a selfish stuck up snob. We have no mutual friends. Because of this I've felt lonely.

We also have the problem that she's been sick or on bedrest for nearly 4 years due to complicated pregnancies. We've lost pretty much all meaningful physical contact, not just sex, but hugs, kissing, holding hands. And when it does happen, it has to be prompted by me. I need to be given these things without asking...

So about 8 months ago, I started *****ing to my friend about my life... comes to find out, she's going through a hard time as well. Her husband was being lazy and couldn't keep a job, so it was decided that he should join the military. Basic was hard on her, but when he got deployed to iraq, we started communicating more often. At frist it was simply a friendship. But about 6 weeks ago, things took a turn. I went up and met her to buy my wife a mother's day gift. We sat out on her car and talked for hours about everything. It was nice to see her again, since I've always been close. After that, we email each other, and it comes out that we both had thoughts of ripping each other's clothes off and making love right there in the parking lot. I figured it was just a sexual tension thing because her husband has been deployed for almost 6 months, and my wife had been on bed rest and no sex for the same amount of time.

I thought it would pass, but the next thing I know, she's driven up and I've used an excuse that I have to work all night. We get a hotel and spend the entire night making love over and over again.

We both said that it had to stop there... But then something strange happened to both of us. Neither of us felt guilty about what we were doing. And we wanted our spouses to just go away. There's more background to our relationship over the years, but in a nutshell, we felt like we were soulmates that never had the oppertunity to connect.

We've met up for both sexual and non-sexual meetings every weekend for 5 weeks now. I've taken my kids out on a family type trip while my wife laied at home on bedrest. She feel in love with my boys... and found herself kissing and holding my youngest for nearly two hours.

We talk to each other every day. I feel as if we are married. At the same time, our friends and family are very concerned that we're acting like we're going down a path we don't want to take. Most have figured it out from the signs, but our spouses are in the dark. Sadly, my wife knows that I've always had feelings for this woman, and that's caused a wedge in our marriage. Especially now that I'm closer to her as a friend and doing more things with her.

We've fallen in love with each other, and we do not feel guilty about what we're doing. What is wrong with us? Is this normal? Is it just the newness? We don't meet up for just the sex, we do things together. I took her to see some things she'd never got to see before. We go to movies together. We went swimming together. I feel like I should be with her.

Yet, we both know it must stop. That we would cause more harm to others than we're comfortable doing. But neither of us want it to stop. I know things are going to hurt bad when my wife is no longer on bedrest and her husband returns. And I risk losing her as a friend because of this. I'm so **** conflicted, I don't know what to do.

If I stay with my wife, I'm always going to love her... even when I can't any longer. I'm always going to think I made a mistake by not choosing her.

We are both going to hurt over this no matter what we do.

She is worse off than I am because her husband did nothing wrong. My marriage was having problems anyway, and I am seeking help through marital counceling in a last attempt effort to save my marriage. However there is a part of me that doesn't want to fix my marriage.

I just want to be happy again. With someone I feel truly connected to. I don't feel a connection to my wife when I hug, kiss, or even make love to her. I haven't for nearly five years. Yet I stay for the kids sake.

I know this was alot, but I'm lost... I suppose I'm not looking for advice, just needed to get it off my chest and see what others thought. I know I am the scum of the earth and am being a bad husband,father,friend, and human being. But I don't feel guilty.

I don't need to hear that.

I suppose I'd like to know if it's possible to remain friends with this woman and maintain my marriage. The bits and peices my wife knows about how I feel towards her tells me no. But I'm to the point where my friendship with this person is worth more to me than my marriage.

Am I ever going to be able to love my wife again? And if so, will I be able to love her fully and not think of my friend?

Like I said... I'm lost and just needed a sounding board. I can't talk about this to anyone but my friend, and that's not a wise thing to do.

I don't want to hurt her while her husband is gone though. We can try and back it off slowly and see if our friendship can be salvaged. I don't know... We're both damaged now...

[MiaCamille]

well just so that i don't say anything that i'll regret i'll keep my thoughts for myself BUT i don't understand that if your wife has been on bedrest for almost 4 years why go and have another pregnancy??? and i think it's sick that you would bring your boys to meet this lady that you're sleeping with and that while your wife is in bed carrying your child.. I'll leave it at that...

[2girls]

I never know what to say in these types of situations, I am not a very good counsler so to speak.

But why did you decide it would be a good idea to bring another child into this confusion?

If I knew that my husband was sleeping around while I was on bed rest with his child, I would be furious to say the least.

Will you ever be able to reconnect with your wife again? Probably not if you continue your relationship with this 'friend'.

Finish what you've started with your wife.

If your marriage is truly over, then let her know and end it. Don't drag her through the mud especially with your child on the way.

She didn't choose to have complicated pregnancies nor did she ask to be on bed rest. She can't do anything about her current situation, however YOU can!

[mrmnmom82]

Once you decided to bring children into the marriage you changed the dinamic. You can't just leave and think it won't effect them too, even if they do get along with "the Other Woman" I'm sure she's very nice and you have a history, but you have to think of your future with YOUR FAMILY. It might seem like it would ge a simple switch, just get back into this relationship that worked before, but your wife will still allways be there. Single, raising those kids, by herself, most of the time.

It's great that you're going to counseling and putting in the effort to make any relationship last. Is that making progress? This is probably a difficult question to answer because you have this exiting reason to leave now. It sounds to me like if you leave now, it would be to be with another woman, and not because the realationship you are in is unreparable. If you are going to leave your wife, you still need to at least pause things with this other woman.

Conclude one relationship before jumping into another.

[mrmnmom82]

Forgot to add, If you want your marriage to last you shouldn't continue to speak to this woman, because obviously you don't have enough self control when you are around her.

[Samual]

If this woman is truely worth more than your wife, you will not get your relationship with your wife back, not only that she may not want you anymore. Never take a child on a outing with the other woman, you should never do that to a child until they have healed from the stress of divorce and you are in a serious, commited relationship.
If your wife does let you stay, you cannot stay friends with this woman, if you are unwilling to totally leave this woman for your family, why are you trying to save your marriage? To me it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it.
I can certainly say it is not normal to love and have sex with someone else while your family is at home and to not feel any guilt.

[survivalist]

I feel like I am in a unique position to answer some of your questions as I've been there. I had feelings for another guy way back but then got married and pregnant. Yada yada my marriage broke up I went to be with my "soulmate". It was very exciting to talk to him, he understood everything etc.but I never cheated (sexually) on my husband til after we split up. Fast forward a few years- "soulmate" Mr wonderful & I parted ways. He thought my daughter was wonderfull too but never really stepped up as a substitute dad. Fast forward again I met a great guy, married and had 2 more children.
What I want to really tell you is right now you must stop talking to and seeing this other woman. You are endangering your unborn childs life. I spent 4 months in bed with a terbutaline drip to stop contractions. I"m certain your wife does not feel beautiful,sexy, exciting and like the best mom in the world right now. She is doing everything in her power to give birth to a healthy child which includes not being the best mom to the others because she can't right now. I am certain she feels guilty becoming pregnant again especially after two difficult pregnancies. You should be supporting her 120% right now & thank your lucky stars your children are healthy. You think you have problems now add a disabled child to that. You say you are in marriage counciling but you need to be open minded about it. You can't ease your marital problems unless you honestly do want to fix things.
If this other woman is indeed your soulmate then she should back off & wait for you. She obviously has no idea of the responsibility of giving birth to a healthy child and of really being a mom. All kids are beautiful especially when you get to hand them back to their parents and go home. She should also go to counceling because she has issues that need to be worked on also.
The main thing to do right now is focus on a healthy pregnancy! Just help your wife and unborn child now and leave everything else alone. If you think your wife doesn't know your kidding yourself. She is probably in denial and this is probably already causing complications in the pregnancy. Concentrate on being a great dad.
Sop thinking I want....I wish....and deal with the most important things first. Your children. You won't regret this or have guilt or any other negative emotion. What you put out in the universe comes back. Be sympathetic and empathetic to your wife. You could regret this fling the rest of your life. You already are ruining your reputation and family name. You have three sons who will need to carry on that name so protect it. If it is true love with the other woman then she can wait a year and a half til your child is born and your wife can at least have a chance to make you fall in love with her again. Sounds to me like she is a caring mom who was probably exhausted raising two small boys. Not seeing each other is a sacrifice you both should be willing to make for each other. That will also open your eyes to what kind of step mom she is going to be. Remember the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

[QueenAngie]

Lostsoul, what is going on in your head?

You are not thinking clearly with your brain.
The part you seem to be thinking with is between your legs.

Just have to tell you that I am very, very ashamed of you!

Your wife has given you two wonderful sons and now
is pg and on bedrest with #3.

What is it that you give her in return?
You are having an affair.

Your wife and your unborn baby both are having health issues
and you choose to focus on a previous girlfriend
and have sex with her.

Time to lose your girlfriend. Now.

Lostsoul, you need to grow up and face your responsibilities
like a man towards your wife and children.

I have a lot more to add, but will stop now.

Please get your life back in order.

[MommyDee]

It's completely human to question your relationship with your wife; it's another matter entirely to step out on a woman who's lying in bed incapacitated because she's carrying your child. No, that's not meant to make you feel guilty -- more to snap you back to reality in the situation. Whether you decide to stay with her or not, your wife deserves to have your support and care throughout this difficult pregnancy.

I agree 100% with Survivalist's post; if you are really meant to be with your friend, the time it takes to see your wife through the pregnancy and fully resolve things with her (one way or another) won't matter.

BTW, I know what you're thinking about your kids spending time with your friend... in your/their eyes right now, they're spending time with a family friend. However... your friends/family know the difference, and if you do end up with this woman... your kids will know too. And it won't be something you want to explain to them later.

[mcmama]

Guess you need to make a decision. And it is not without consequences.

If your wife is a stuck up snob, why did you stay married? Sounds like you have wanted a divorce for a while. So why now, when she is sick? Sick being pregnant, with your child. On bed rest.

Guess what? When people get divorced, the courts take a very dim view of involving children in adult relationships. What are you teaching your children? That it is ok to do whatever you want when marriage goes wrong? That it is ok to show disrespect of their mother, and involve them in it? Yeah. You are.

Go chase your dream girl and leave your children out of it. Or give up your girlfriend and go home for a while. You are not pursuing this in a civilized family friendly way.