[christinelove]

I have a question how you guys would feel, and maybe you can help me to come up with a solution. This is long and I need help bad.
I dated my husband in highschool and college. We were both wild in those days and he broke up with me cause he thought I was too wild. He got married to someone he thought would be perfect and she was controlling so he got more into drugs. His parents hated his wife and that made issues with the family. She divorced him and I was in town from California visiting my Mom and I called him up to see how he was. He came over and we were both getting divorced and we hooked up. He is and was clean since the divorce, we had some rough patches at first just from my fear of his healthyiness in a relationship, and I had been through 1 enitire year of life coaching and counseling to heal me from my divorce.
We moved in with each other after about 6 months and we have been together since then. 2 1/2 years now and we just got married. Things area awesome between the 2 of us. We have a very healthy happy marriage and relationship involes no yelling no arguing and no name calling at ALL.

When I came into this family the only thing everyone ie: firends of family, aunts, uncles, mom, dad, brother, and sister-in-law said to me we are so happy you are here because you are not the ex-wife. Well there was already issues with the family environment and I tried to just stay out of any of it and be peace maker. My husband had a huge issue with his siter-in-law due to how close she is with his mother and how she seems to control everything that goes on in the family. So my husband had some anger issues in the begenning of our relationship with his family. He hated his siter in law and cursed at them when he would get in fights with them and he did that about 2 times but he has not done that in about a year.
Well the daughter in law and my mother in law are best friends. I mean they do something together almost everyday and they talk about 15 times a day. So 2 years down the road here I am just working on making sure that my husband and i have a great relationship with the entire family, and his anger is sooooooo not the same. He has only yelled at me 2 times and that was in the 1st 6 months of our relationship. I do not allow that and it does not happen now. We communicate well becasue I learned boundaries in my coaching after my divorce.
Well here it is:
This year my sister in law called me and we talk a lot om the phone. no big deal. She said mother in law and I made an excutive decision that this x-mas we are only going to buy stocking stuffers and we are not to spend over $15 on each other. I said awesome that sounds good. We will have fun just hanging together.

Well 2 weeks later sister in law calls me and says her hubbie got upset becasue that is not tradition so we are all now buying gifts for each other. I said great whatever you all want we will follow. i said I am a little confused how we get you guys to tell us what we are doing and now I have no say. She said you can do whatever you want. I said well that makes me feel weird.
No problem we will be good and do whatever my husband and I decide to do. My husband flipped out. He was pissed. He callled his mom yelled at her and said I can not stand how brother and sister in law and you get to make all the decisions what we are doing. He did not curse at her he just got upset. they hung up and I told him that was uncalled for. we can vent to each other but not them. leave them out of our feelings because they are still having issues with emotions we have.
I explained to him that i think we all just feel hurt becasue we want to be a part and we feel we are not. he called his mom back to apologize she would not answer. he called his dad to find his mom and they were busy. he went to sleep and she called back. i answered and she said father is mad he does not want to do anymore thanksgivings or xmases anymore because it alwasy ends in a fight. i said that is crazy he made a mistake and he was calling back to apologize.
Then, she said if I had not told him this would not have happened, she said i am the one who stirred the pot it was my fault. she said you and your mom may yell at each other but i do not allow that in my family. You should not have called and talked to him. wow i said so now it is my fault. we got into an argument and got off the phone pissed. i have no idea what to do. i feel hurt and i feel she insulted me. oh yeah she said i know how you are you get histerical and if you would not have called this would not have happend, and you stirred the pot. wow that makes me mad. how do you feel about all of this? I told her i do not think it is fair that i get blamed and that if she would look at how far her son has come that was just a mistake and no fight truly has to do with the issue at hand if she would look at that. I just want to yell at her. She and the sister in law are both mad at me now and it feels that the mom dad sister in law and brother have a close relationship due to the relationship of mom and s-i-l and my husband and I are the alienated ones with issues. How would you respond and how should i be to be the mature one besides say I am sorry and I feel hurt.
Please help and so sorry it is so long.
thanks