[maria4040]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted for a while but have been checking in on you all from time to time. For those of you who don't know me I am a 40 yr old married mum of 3 kids, aged 3, 5 and 7, all conceived easily. We have been ttc our 4th and last baby for over 2 yrs, I have had 4 miscarriages in that time. So I have had some suffering, as we all have in this infertility journey.

I am over it, and pretty much on the way to saying enough is enough. I have a guilt thing going about wanting another baby when I already have a family, you all know this as I have written about it before. The urge for just one more is so strong, but its taking a toll on my mental and emotional state, so much so that I get depressed at my failure to conceive this time, my lost chances with my miscarriages, and the thought that I am wasting my childrens early yrs away on something that maybe was never meant to be.

I have a hard time staying on the side of feeling blessed about what I have and not moaning about what I don't have, and THAT is what I need to remind myself about. Its sort of like the glass is half full/or half empty, how you perceive it.

I still find it hard to see pg woman or newborns, in fact only today did my expectant (now) friend I haven't seen in yrs see me in the park with her belly just about to pop, and I came home thinking, poor me, hang on I have 3 great kids, something I should appreciate and remember. I need to work on this, I know.

I am selling all my baby gear this month, as well as my baby clothes, only keeping a few sentimental items, the constant sight of the cot, change table etc is not making things easy for me to get over the fact that I am not meant to have anymore. It's a constant reminder of the 4 babies that I could have had, it does my head in thinking about it. So I need a clean break. 2 yrs is long enough, I don't want to look back on these days and realise I really had it all, and I wasted it.

Wishing you all the very best and hugs and good baby vibes your way. I will check in and keep an eye on you all I am going to get ridiculously fit at the gym and learn to play the guitar - one obsession replaced by another. Cheers.

[MissLnsy]

Oh Maria! I know coming to this decision is a very difficult one. Please know that we are all here for you if you need to talk.

Good luck hun!

[quagmire8]

oh maria, so sorry.....i know this is a hard decision for you. i hope your new hobbies help to heal some of the pain that you have gone through and that you have success with them. i will miss you on here, so you better keep us updated on how everything goes!

[CHRISTY589]

MARIA, WE ARE VERY SORRY FOR YOUR LOST. IF YOU WANT TO CHAT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO EMAIL ME AT MY EMAIL ADDRESS e-mail removed for members safety please PM for it. . THANK YOU, CHRISTY AND ARTHUR RING JR

[Alejandros Mommy]

Maria, I am so sorry about this. I can understand what a hard decision this was for you and your husband. I hope that your children bring you joy and happiness. Please feel free to use the rest of our forum to update us. Don't be a stranger.

[KR258]

Lots of 's I hope you get ridiculously fit and have fun doing it. I know it's hard to give this up but I hope that working out helps you to heal and get out all your feelings. I wish you good luck in all you do.

[MiaCamille]

i know the feeling Maria, good luck

[QueenAngie]

Supporting your very difficult decision! (((Hugs)))

Some things just are not meant to be. I do not know the answer to these tough questions myself.

Tonight, give your darlings extra hugs & kisses
and an extra bedtime story too.

Without the three darlings you have at home,
your life would be much different.
Think of how much your love has multiplied.

(((Hugs)))

[Tracey with 6]

you know we will always be here if you want to check in , you are a valuable member if our community here and will be missed, here's hoping all your wishes come true, hug your kids for me . luv Tracey

[maria4040]

Thanks everyone, oh yes I will keep my eye on you all, as these forums are so wonderful, full of great info! I actually feel like a dark cloud has lifted off me, I feel lighter in some way, like I don't have to have this stress if I don't want it to, its MY choice, so why make myself miserable when the sun is shining and I have 3 little faces loving me.

Don't get me wrong, I still have the yearning and the upset thoughts when I see babies etc, even today, but I can't go on each month going into a big depression when AF arrives.

Hugs and baby vibes your way.....