[pamperedpeterson]

I think this realization is a root cause of my recent depression. I really want another baby! It just occured to me tonight that I will be 30 next year, and I always planned to have all 3 kids by that time. DH refuses to even talk about it. I told him a few days ago that if he doesn't want another child, he will have to start thinking of permanent options, because my IUD only "has" about 19 months left (they're not supposed to be in longer than 5years). That made him shut up, but I don't think it helped convince him. We have been blessed with 2 gorgeous boys, now ages 5.5 and 3, but I have always known I would have 3 children. And I really think a girl would be so much fun! Although, diaper cleanup would sure be different!
He thinks another baby would be "so expensive". BUT we already have a crib, just need a matress, we already have a room for the baby (just need to change it over), we have clothes (girls can wear green and yellow, right? ), a swing, a bouncer, toys. The only thing we would really have to buy right off the bat are the car seat and stroller. And since I am a deal-finder, I am sure I could find those for cheap! But when I remind him of this, he just keeps saying we can't afford another kid. gah!
I want to be DONE with having kids, so I can go back to school (because I LOVE learning, not because I hate being home), but I feel our family is not complete. How do I soften his heart?

[mcmama]

Does he want the third child? Eventually? Or just not now?

Waiting at your age after two children should not be a huge problem with ttc.

Also, I really think you should examine the root cause of depression a little further. Having a baby doesn't usually fix things, it just messes them up more.

Also, you don't have to put off going back to school if there are options available for child care or distance learning.

[QueenAngie]

Whichever way you decide to go with - 2 kids or 3 kids, we're here to support and help you.

You and DH need to sit down and discuss your 5 year plans together.
Is your goal more education?
A job outside of the home?
Another baby?
A big vacation?

(((Hugs)))

[pamperedpeterson]

I know a baby wouldn't fix things, but just knowing what DH wants would sure help! All he ever says is "we're not ready" or "we've already talked about this!" and then gets all huffy. But we haven't talked about it. I have expressed my need, and he says "not now." *heavy sigh*
DH and I agree that I'll go back to school when both (all? lol ) the kids are in school full-time. I've tried taking classes with the kids around, and it doesn't work. We can't afford child care for me to go to school, and we're too far away to try the family route. Honestly, we're hoping that the military will let the spouse use the GI Bill, which would then pay for my college.
Thanks for the shoulder to whine on!

[mcmama]

OK, well, he needs to talk with you one step further - instead of "not now" and you maybe saying "well, when?" try telling him you think he may be right, but you want to see where this works in your plan - so plan for when.

Men LOVE plans. It helps them to feel that things are in control, while not having to do something immediate. And acknowledging he is right for now and wanting to plan tells him you are not badgering him. Men have a badgering alarm that causes them to shut down certain parts of their auditory processes. Phrases like "we need more money" "we need more room" "I want a baby" and "you want to buy WHAT kind of sportscar/atv???" trigger this alarm.

I don't believe in the whole Mars/Venus thing that was shoved in my face at the end of my marriage - that is that women have a responsibility to devise complicated methods to communicate the painfully obvious - but it does take two to make a baby, this is depressing you, and you need a new pattern of communication about this.

The difficult thing could be if "not now" really means "never" - but if that is what he is thinking, you need to know. Good luck, and don't despair - at 30 you have time to work this through.

[littletony]

My dh would talk about this either until I wrote a long letter, 3 pages, single space about my wants, needs and concerns. About how his comments about can't afford or maybe later were more confusing then him not saying anything at all. As a woman I thinik we want to talk and resolve everything immediately but most men aren't like that. I gave him the letter on a friday and told him at the end that we would talk on Sunday. After he read it he came out of his office crying, wanting to talk. I told him that Sunday would be better and suggested we all go to Disneyland (annual pass holder here) for the evening. He respected my issues and when it was finally time to talk, he really opened up. He finally gave me a definative answer. He did want a baby but was afraid, since it took over 18 months to concieve our ds. He felt the strain would hurt our marriage. I admitted that I was really emotional last time and this time would be different. So now after many months of ttc we aren't pregnant but it's ok because our outlook on this possible baby is much different. I know your case is not the same as mine but I wish you luck.