[SymphonyGirl]

Dreamer, you and I are going through EXACTLY the same thing, and I don't know what to do either. I, too, thought the problem might be me and my sex drive....maybe I didn't have one anymore....maybe I have some kind of a medical condition. But I don't thionk that is it because I was physically attracted to other men I've dated in the past. Physical attraction is not what attracted me to my husband....it was his intelligence, wit, sense of humor, personality, etc. I think deep down my husband knows that I'm not attracted to him physically. But I really don't know what I'm supposed to do because he is a great guy and a great husband and would make a great dad. Do I stay and try to be attracted to him? Do I leave? I don't think there are any easy answers.

[ACard]

It doesn't really matter if you are a women or a man so that is not a big issue. I think many couples face the problem of not being attracted. I sometimes feel that way towards my husband but I know it is because my needs aren't being met. It's funny how that can work. We don't find a person attractive because of their attitude or actions.

[to be a mother]

Is there anybody out there that sees the correlation between being one as a couple and drifting apart in this or any other of the many ways that couples drift apart?
United in all things, "if ye are not one ye are not mine." 99% live (seldom parrallel) tangent lives at best, that depart at varying angles and speeds throughout time. Sure it's nice when you're on parrallel, and phenomenal when you meet up while crossing paths, but doesn't a long term commitment need to be the one thing that you can rely on? The one thing that lasts, that you can take with you?
I realize that most people aren't willing to give up their seperate lives, with seperate friends and hobbies and work and cars and acquaintences and even business trips. I guess what I dont realize is why. Same reason that they do anything contrary to that great plan of happiness I guess, shortsighted views of happiness.
If you are one, on the same level, at the same place, you first would never let it come to this and second would be perfectly able to "come together on it."
Now that you have all let it come to this it is a long hard road back to common ground. If your goal as a couple transcends this life then why, oh why would you not want to get things prepared now? "This life is the time for men(and women) to prepare..."
Is there anyone who thinks that their relationship would suffer under these circumstances? If so how do you propose to correct it after this life? Or does that great magic wand just render everything fixed when you die, since your "pretty good."
In the words of the Beatles, "Come together, right now..." That is the way to correct bad breath, overweight, bad hair, body odor, does'nt like my waffles, he goes off and does bad things, and any other complaint through time or eternity as a couple. Deviating from your set course up that golden staircase as a couple will of course lead to other places than up the golden staircase as a couple. Decide what you want out of the relationship and "make it or take it."

[eunkyung]

You have obviously been dwelling on the fact that you're not attracted to your mate. I don't think you should have mentioned it to her if you weren't going to do your best to work at your relationship and intimate life. Otherwise, you're just trying to hurt her. This goes for either spouse. I hope you know to patch things up if she's truly worth it to you...you thought enough of her to marry her, or was that a lie too? I thought in marriage that spouses are supposed to be as kind as possible ... especially if you're going to be together for the rest of your lives. Or are you just interested in another woman lately? Did you tell her why you had to tell her that truth?

[dspiv20]

I actually do care to hear why you are not attracted to your spouse. I feel for you that you are not attracted to her. I am sure that you do not want to feel that way. But i really would like to hear why you are not attracted to her. Is it physical attraction or something else? Does she try to make herself attractive to you or has she let herself go? I feel horrible for her because i know she must be hurting right now. I guess the only way to fix it though is to be honest and i think you were. I just hope you told her in a loving way and not to hurt her. I think if my husband said that to me i would be extremely hurt but I would also find what was making me unattractive to him and try to fix it.
My husband had a bad habit of flossing his teeth in front of me for a while and I was really turned off by that so I told him and he stopped. Now, I know telling your spouse you are not attracted to her is much more harsh than this example I am giving you but i still believe you have to try to fix the problem and the only way to do that is to be honest.

[dad1234]

Originally Posted by SymphonyGirl

Dreamer, I think deep down my husband knows that I'm not attracted to him physically. But I really don't know what I'm supposed to do because he is a great guy and a great husband and would make a great dad. Do I stay and try to be attracted to him? Do I leave? I don't think there are any easy answers.

As a dad in the same exact situtation, please don't even think about having kids if you feel this way. I did and I really feel stuck.

[JWALKER327]

NiceGuy,
In most men I have dated it wasn't how I dressed, wore my hair, or the perfume I wore...It was always much more the "intimacy". I am now a mother of 3 and I have gained a little weight and that does come up in fights w/ my hubby...but never has he said he isn't attracted to me. I have found as long as I keep the "passion" in the relationship it keeps him guessing...*example* telling him there is something wrong with the washing machine and meeting him there on the spin cycle! That has pretty much nothing to do with attraction just romance and stuff.
I thought when I 1st read this post telling your hubby that is pretty harsh and like wise for a man telling a woman. But I really hope if you truly want to work things out with your wife and so on you try all your options.
Jess<333

[dczock]

I am in the same boat. I am 31, got married in 2004. I wasn't madly attracted to my husband in the beginning, heck I thought as long as I liked him alot and we got along that was enough. It's not. Don't let anyone tell you it is. He bought me every thing, took me on trips, and we built a new house. He's my best friend. I love him, but I am not in love with him. There's a big difference, and yes is the biggest sorrow in the world, knowing that I just dicovered this. In the past 6 months I have been making every excuse in the book not to have sex with him. We both work opposite shifts so the time I spend alone is great. I feel we've both changed since we got married, we agreed on no children.....I always thought that if you really loved someone you'd want to have children together...........well that's my biggest fear...getting pregnant. He has always said he didn't want kids, and that was fine by me, people would say to us, "Oh you'll change your mind once you get married". Well no...we didn't. Does that mean we are not really in love? I don't know, I am so confused. It kills me to think that this is it, this is all that there is to marriage....to my life, i am going to die alone and unhappy. All my friends talk so passionately about thier lives...but I can't. I work, clean, cook, and sleep. Some one out here has to have some advice.

[workaholicmom]

I can completely relate to everyone who says that they aren't attracted to their husband anymore. I am in the same boat, except for I have no reason except for something inside me, to not be attracted to my husband. He is great he sends me flowers, writes me love notes, talks to me all day while we work, we are true soul mates in every way, he is a great husband & father, but for some reason when it comes to intimacy I just don't want it with him.
I know I have what it seems to me is the perfect husband and I'm not attracted to him, he hasn't let himself go we are best friends and do everything together, so I'm not quite sure what is happening. I know it's me, their isn't anything wrong with my sex drive because I want to have sex just not with him and I can't figure it out.
I've been having feelings towards another man I work with, nothing has happened becuz I can't cheat on my husband but it makes me wonder why I have sexual feelings for someone else other than my husband, I wonder what I'm missing from my marriage to see it in someone else.
We have been married for 3 years, been together for 6 years and we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter who is the joy of our life. I don't want to break up my happy home, but I don't think that we should both be without intimacy, I know he feels that there is something wrong but doesn't know what it is.
Can anyone help me?

[hennypenny]

If my partner were to be that cruel to me, they'd be out the door as soon as the words left their mouth.